Tracy Bevan, the former wife of cricketer Michael Bevan, has spoken about feeling suicidal after suffering severe post natal depression with her second child.
Speaking to Jules Sebastian in the latest episode of Tea With Jules, Tracy spoke candidly on the internal dialogue she had while dealing with post natal depression.
‘I remember sitting in a park in the UK and thinking ‘If I kill myself tonight, my mum will be there. I remember looking at the girls dancing in the rain. Olivia looked at me and said ‘I love you mum’ and I go ‘What am I thinking’? And I knew that it was the pressure of having it all.’
The mother of two said she felt guilty for having those thoughts. ‘I had it all on paper, but I thought to myself ‘I love you’ but this can’t be it for me,’ she said. ‘I ran home and rang Michael and explained to him ‘Michael I’m sitting here and thinking of the simplest ways to kill myself and these are the reasons why I feel guilty because I look at my children and think is this it for me,’ she recalled.
At the time Tracy was best friends with Glenn McGrath’s late wife Jane who was going through her own health battles. ‘I felt I had no right to complain, so I pushed it down and I started feeling sad and a bit snappy and that the world is better without me.”
What saved Tracy was seeing her doctor who immediately saw the signs and put her on anti-depressants. A decision that she says was ‘the best thing in the world’.
Having post natal depression is something Tracy wants other women to not feel ashamed of. By discussing her own experiences she hopes to lift the stigma of talking about it. ‘I’m not ashamed of that, and I don’t think any mother or father should be ashamed of being honest about how bloody tough it is to be a parent and to deal with life. You need to be honest with yourself and be able to say it’s okay and that it wasn’t a good day and that you need help.’
Tracy also spoke on the break down of her marriage to Michael. After 21 years together they both decided they were just moving in different directions. There was no one else involved, no lawyers and no harsh words were spoken. Tracy told him: ‘I’m not the right person you need for the next part of your life because this is the road I want to go down and I love you enough to let you go’.
Currently an ambassador for the McGrath Foundation, which was set up by her friend Jane McGrath before she died of cancer, Tracy has focused all her energy into raising awareness for the disease. Tracy has previously spoken about how Jane had come to her hotel room one night, saying she had a found a lump in her breast. The two wives were in England together at the time while their husbands played in the Ashes series.