One woman has reached out to the internet for advice after her parents and sister tried to bully her into being a surrogate for her sister, despite being told by doctors that going through another pregnancy could be life-threatening for her.
Having grown up in the shadow of her older sister, the woman paints a picture of a very unhappy childhood in which her sister bullied and belittled her, and her parents made her feel not only unwanted, but like a financial burden due to her heart-condition.
I (31F) have an older sister Mary (33F). Mary has always been the favorite. Growing up, my parents idolized her because of her looks, grades, she was athletic, and more. She is described as my parents golden apple baby I on the other hand, was both 2 years later. I was an accident. I was born prematurely with a heart condition. Growing up, I was in and out of the hospital receiving countless surgeries.
My parents always threw in my face that I was draining their money, even though my grandparents always paid for anything insurance didn’t cover. She never hid her hatred towards me. She’d constantly bully me and my parents did nothing about it. When I graduated high school, I had enoughI begged my grandparents to pay for me to go to a college states away, just so I could get away from her. That was the best decision ever because that’s where I met my now husband Greg. Greg was a sweetheart. He always made me feel beautiful no matter what size I was.
Thank heavens for good ol’ Greg!
After graduating, we ended up getting married, in which his family paid for because my parents refused stating they spent too much on my sisters wedding a year prior. They didn’t even bother to attend the wedding. We ended up choosing to live in the city we graduated in. I rarely talked to my family back home outside of my grandparents. Greg and I later would have a son together. This was a high risk pregnancy. I was advised to terminate early on as the results could be fatal. Luckily we both made it. I almost didn’t though. The amount of strain it put on my heart was detrimental.
I was strongly urged by doctors to not have any more children and we agreed.
Things take an unexpected turn though when OP and her husband and son decide to move back to her hometown after her aging grandfather becomes unwell. Contrary to her expectations, her parents and sister open her with welcome arms, and are just a little too eager to see her. But, it doesn’t take too long before it’s revealed why!
Fast forward to about 1 month ago, my family and I moved back to my hometown, after my grandpa’s health was declining and I wanted to be near him. As soon as I moved back, my parents and sister started acting very nice to me. My mom would ask me how I was doing and tell me how proud she was of me, which is something she never does. My sister would join and do the same. I knew something was up but my grandmother said to give them a chance and maybe they missed me.2 weeks later I was invited to my parents house for family dinner. While at the table my sister said she had a present for me.
She whipped out a card and I opened it expecting it to be an apology letter. But no, to my suprise it was a letter stating that my sister found out she’s infertile and congratulating me on becoming her surrogate. I was floored. I told her that I cannot have her baby. I tried to explain what my pregnancy did to my body with my heart and she started crying.
My parents began screaming at me for being selfish and not wanting to help out my sister. I explained that doctor’s instructed me no but they said “for family, you take risks”. I couldn’t believe it. I grabbed my husband and stormed out. I can’t help but to feel bad still.
So reddit, AITA for not wanting to be a surrogate for my sister, risking my health in the process?
That’s right folks! Her parents and her sister expect her to risk her life to give her ‘golden child’ sister a baby. They didn’t even have the decency to ask if she would consider it – they outright demanded that she do it! The audacity! If she didn’t know her place in the family before this, she certainly does now. She is the expendable daughter!
People were disgusted by the behaviour of her sister and her parents and reiterated, that under no circumstances should she feel bad in this situation.
Never for a nanosecond consider the possibility that you are the AH.
- Your health won’t handle it, they’re AH for even expecting you to sacrifice your health to have a baby for someone you don’t like.
- You don’t like your sister, she’s only ever made you unhappy. Imagine the emotional trauma of having to carry her kid and then give an innocent soul to the demon in disguise. I couldn’t live with myself if I sacrificed an innocent soul to her.
- They didn’t ask, they told you (that alone makes it a ‘no’ for me).
- Your parents are AHs
- The only reason you should feel bad is because it proves you need to stay NC with your parents and your sister.
Send them a letter that you’re disappointed that your familial relationship has come to an end. Since they don’t care about your life, you will no longer have them in yours.
Then enjoy your family. You’ve paid your dues and you’re doing the world a favor by not helping your sister procreate. (G0t2ThinkAboutIt)
So NTA. You wouldn’t be the AH even if you were completely healthy. You don’t need to explain. You were doing well without your parents and sister; I think you can go back to doing well without them again.
If they really need a surrogate, they should be able to find someone who does it for hire. (dr_lucia)
Many commenters thought that it was best for OP to walk away from her family (except her grandparents) and never look back.
Jesus Mary Joseph and the wee camel. NTA but please stop expecting milk from a stone. Block these people. (DangerNoodle1313)
So the chance you can leave your child motherless and your husband a widow is less important than your sister becoming a mom. Gosh your family are A-holes. They are ok with you dying if it means that she can have a child. Walk away from them. You have done good without them.
NTA. You know you won’t do this. (Accordingtowho2021)
NTA, but it’s time to cut contact with everyone but your grandparents. Also, get yourself into therapy ASAP. What they have done your whole life is abusive and cruel. You need to heal.
It’s worth noting that no doctor would ethically let you be a surrogate. That is beyond the point, but you’d be ineligible anyway. (Dachshundmom5)
Other people thought that she should take the opportunity to tell them exactly what she thought of them and their awful treatment of her before completely wiping them out of her life.
NTA. But meet them again in a restaurant and tell them the absolute truth.
You had a very high risk pregnancy, almost died and literally can’t have more kids of your own because doctors say it’s too great a risk.
But the truth is if you were completely healthy you would never do this for them. They bullied you, abused you, made you feel guilty for being ill all for decisions THEY made. They were horrible parents and a fucking awful sister. If you were fit as a fiddle you would never do this because of what awful people they are. (TwoBionicknees)
What do you think? What would you do in this woman’s position?