My mothering tactics are all based on the fact that I am lazy. I am mother sloth incarnate. How lazy exactly? In uni, I picked all my classes for four years so that they’re all in the afternoon and I can sleep all morning. My friends knew that if they scheduled group meetings in the morning I wasn’t going to show up. I barely attended classes I had no choice but to have in the mornings.

So when I figured out how hard this mother job was going to be, I looked for shortcuts wherever I can find them. And I found a lot. So here is my list of tips for all the mother sloths out there.

1. Breastfeed if you can so you don’t have to make formula or figure out the right way to make it. The position of the breasts is so perfect that I can even knit, get on Facebook or watch TV while I am feeding her. In her entire first three months, my daughter breastfed while I watched DVD after DVD of TV shows I liked.
2. Co sleeping is magic. I co slept so I didn’t have to get up at 3am to feed. I just popped out a boob and went back to sleep. I could sleep in with my daughter and the sleep deprivation issue was solved for both my husband and I. His co-workers said he looked like he didn’t have a newborn in the house.
3. Get everything delivered. I got everything delivered — from groceries to Christmas presents to underwear and nappies. I never had to leave the house and struggle with the pram and nappy bag. I googled all possible delivery services prior to the birth and it really paid off. This gave me the option to only go out when I really wanted to.
4. Feed her store-bought food, delivered, of course. Aside from the fact that I don’t know how to make baby food, I get more variety. I don’t know how to make tuna mornay, or lamb casserole or risotto. But with store bought food, she can have a wide array of food in her menu. Plus I get the choice to buy organic. Do your research first though.
5. Use disposable nappy — again delivered free of charge. I have no time to wash dirty cloth nappies nor do I have the inclination to research how to do it right (the environmentally-friendly way). Having said that, I choose my disposable nappies carefully so it has the least impact on the environment. A bit of online research will show the difference in impact each brand has and what measures they’ve taken.
6. Hire a cleaner. I have a cleaner come to my house every fortnight. No explanations needed except that now you know why my kitchen and toilet are spotless.
7. Get prepared healthy meals delivered to your door. This is my answer to major tasks like cooking and washing dishes. Plus, you end up losing weight in the process! Ingenious!
8. No routine from 7am-7pm. Not in my house! Aside from the fact that it would cut daddy time with the bubba, it also means I have to be up early too. Having her routine moved to a later time meant daddy can still play with her after work and mum gets to sleep in every morning! Everybody wins!

My list is questionable, I am aware of that (don’t call DOCS yet) – that’s why I avoid mother’s groups (kidding, I’m too lazy to attend mother’s groups). The best advice I ever got was “do what works for you”. I know there are mothers who are morning people, gym people, domestic goddesses and so on. But I am not any of those. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, and although I have accepted that I am Momma Sloth, I was still able to figure out that my shortcuts work for my little one – and is not harmful to her.

P.S. By the way, I aced the classes I had in the afternoons and evenings. The morning classes? Let’s just say, I was in the brink of flunking them. All of them. I also cussed a lot during the morning classes.

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