Have you ever wondered what your husband or partner does all day when they are home alone, and you’ve taken the kids away for a night or two? Some of the answers we found on this Reddit thread of men sharing what they do when their wife and children leave them home alone were eye-opening, others, (like the various, and sometimes hilarious metaphors for self-pleasure) were less surprising!

Take five decorative pillows off the bed and put them in the closet til the morning of her return. (halfslices)

I don’t speak. I don’t play music. I don’t have the TV on. I sit, in complete silence, reading my phone or whatever, but not having to answer anybody’s questions, not having to listen to anybody. Just complete silence for at least 15 minutes.

One time my wife took the kids out of town for the weekend with her sister. From Friday night when I got home from work until Monday morning when I went back, I didn’t speak a word. I just…existed. I watched shows, I played games, I drank some whiskey and smoked a cigar. I cleaned and did laundry.

I didn’t speak. I didn’t have to answer anyone’s questions. (gaqua)

Turn off the lights that were left on in every room and closet. (mantenomanteno)

Do a bunch of chores and stuff while I daydream about what I’m going to do when I have free time. This lasts until they return.(JesseCuster40)

I cook a package of bacon and save the drippings. I cook basically everything in that fat until it’s gone. (osopolare)

Wife and daughter are vegetarian.

I’m not trying to sound cheesy, but I tidy up because my wife works hard and has a pretty stressful job. (BigUseless88)

Get butt naked and do the helicopter with my wiener. (Yankee_313502)

Start a violent movie. Something the kids can’t watch and something she wouldn’t be interested in. (get_off_my_lawn_n0w)

I sit in silence. No music, no mess, no having to please everyone. Just… Temporary peace.

I want to emphasise that, as a hot blooded male with porn access at my fingertips, I fantasize about being alone in quiet darkness and this is more valuable to me than my biological urges.

This is how exhausting raising a family is. (rustler_incorporated)

Usually I go to bed and take a nap. I don’t like to be seen napping (I have a complex about being seen as lazy) and I like the chance to have the bed to myself. (Rhopunzel)

The first thing I do is put off doing the dishes until just before she gets home. “ Oh hey, hon. How did it go? Tell me about it while I just finish up the dishes.” (PolyJuicedRedHead)

Play a video game alone, something they that would think is boring or too complicated. Watch something that they wouldn’t or couldn’t (The Boys, Invincible, South Park) Also strangely enough I like to put on a podcast or audiobook on alexa instead of ear earbuds and clean. (SingleDadSurviving)

A few years ago I had started a new job. We were planning to go on vacation with the in-laws, but the new job kept me from being able to go… they went without me and left me home by myself for 10 days. Also, the job was remote so I was home alone for 10 days…

You know what I did … don’t think I wore clothes the whole time they were gone… (evo-1999)

Did anyone see the tiktok of the husband who ripped out the entire kitchen just to see what was behind the pantry and the wife walks in looking absolutely mortified? Probably something along those lines (candlerc)

Starfish on the whole bed and watch a few episodes of things I don’t normally get to! (Halycon1313)

I had the house to myself last Friday night. I ordered pizza and played video games until I couldnt keep my eyes open. It was glorious. (Disasterous-Entry-879)

Sit on the couch and scratch my balls. (jseego)

I’ll take a long shower and then nap.  Halfway through the nap my wife calls… still love her though. (izovice)

Go to the figure shops/used stores just to browse at my time! (Lord_Bentley)

Thinking. About the cool things I am going to whilst they are out then having a nap and not doing any of them. (Odd_Nefariousness-67)

Clean the house. My strategy is that that will encourage her to leave like that a bit more ! After that, sleep, walk dog, watch football/ documentaries. (February83)

Tidying up the thousands of little messes and piles of toys my kids leave around the house. (post_angst)

Have a beer on the deck, regardless of outside temperature. (thesean366)

My wife will be taking the kids to her fathers house for a few days for her friends moms funeral. I can’t go because of work so it’ll be me and the dog for 3 days.

Step 1: clean the house Step 2: shower Step 3: sushi Step 4: gaming Step 5: melatonin for some deep sleep. (Roosted13)

Tidy the livingroom, Make my coffee, sit in silence for a little bit. Then activate the sound bar, turn that shit up and get immersed in a video game. It’s me time. Then eventually I’ll do the ol Fap n Nap. (aleudeDainsleif)

I spend a very long time making myself a gourmet meal. We normally don’t the time for this when we are all on schedules, so we usually stick to things we know and are relatively fast. (Charmin76)

This is gonna sound fucked, but I do chores. I do the kind of chores that are just easier when I don’t have other people around. People around are usually either doing nothing and not helping, or they’re trying to help and getting in the way. Either way, it’s easier when they’re not there, so I get shit done.

Then I chill out and play video games. (Weaseltime_420)

I clean. My wife works her ass off all day to keep the kids in line. The absolute least I can do is tidy the place up while she’s gone. I blast music my kids don’t like and after 30 minutes I’m off the hook. Then it’s video games and bullshit. She comes home to a clean house and everyone’s happy. (orthopedicshoe)

There are two kinds of people in this thread. Those who masturbate and those who are lying. (sudomatrix)

What do you think your partner does when you and the kids leave them home alone?