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“My Partner is Angry That I ‘Deliberately Misunderstood’ Him When it Came to Naming Our Child!”

Choosing your child’s name can be difficult if you and your partner can’t agree. But what about when you can’t agree on which surname the child should have? One mum has been accused of deliberately misunderstanding her partner’s demands when it came to which surname should be given to their child.

So I had a baby some weeks ago with my partner to whom I’m not married.

We’ve been together a while, and I’ve given many compromises in this relationship. While discussing baby’s name, we had a few disagreements on names but ultimately decided on a name we both liked well enough. The surname was a sticking point: he wanted the baby to have his name alone. I offered to hyphenate b/c logistically it’s easier for the baby to have both of our names. He’s been drinking the red pill cool aid lately – a large bone of contention in this relationship – and went off about how it’s ‘tradition’ and ‘the right thing to to’ and ‘his right as a man’ to have the baby have his surname. He told me I’d be emasculating him and may as well be a single parent if I won’t grant him this one little ask. ‘My word is final – baby’s having one surname’. This was late in my pregnancy and I didn’t have it in to fight, so I told him that I understood what he was saying.

FF to 3 weeks ago when baby’s birth certificate came. He blew a gasket when he saw that I’d given the baby my surname. He rehashed the conversation above, saying I agreed to giving baby his surname. This is where I might be TA. I did nothing of the sort. I told him I understood him, which I did – but I never said I agreed with him. I told him there was no way I was doing all the work of making a baby for him to stick his name on it. When we bought up tradition, I told him it’s also traditional for him to marry me before having a baby but he was happy to ignore that, I told him it was traditional for him to be the provider but I do that too – and I pointed out other holes in his logic. I told him trying to bully me into submission with his red pill bs when I was exhausted from pregnancy didn’t work. He should have known better than to expect me to not share a surname with my child. He said the baby should only have one surname – they do. So why’s he mad?

He went crying to his brothers and mother – all ‘traditionalists’ and misogynists – and now they’re all up in arms.


Some people were unsure what she meant by the term ‘red pill,’ but other Redditors were quick to fill them in.

It originally was a matrix movie reference when neo was offered the red pill or blue pill to stay in the current reality or open his eyes to the real world. But the red pill is now big anti women movement – women belong bare foot in the kitchen and sex slave. (GhostofaPhoenix)


Ever see the movie The Matrix? There’s a point at which the protagonist is asked to symbolically swallow a pill to decide which worldview he will believe in.

A red pill if he accepts that the world is dangerous and he will open his mind and commit his life to join the freedom fighters. A blue pill if he wants to continue to be a contented pathetic sheep, accepting the propaganda from the evil overlords.

The movie isn’t about gender equality. A bunch of very misogynistic people have stolen the metaphor and turned it into a sexism thing. “Being redpilled” means deciding to believe that feminism is evil, etc etc etc. (procrast1natrix)

With that cleared up, commenters were quick to side with the new mum, agreeing that he only wanted to be a traditionalist when things suited him.

He’s TA big time. he is not a traditionalist or he would have married you before HIS child was born. He didn’t – so you can name your child as you please. He still has rights as the father but bullying you is not one of them. (omeomi24)

Frankly it’s also traditional for an unmarried woman to give her baby her surname. The “traditional” argument doesn’t even support him here. (ManicPixieDreamKitty)


Many people loved that she had outsmarted him and refused to be bullied into doing what he wanted.

NTA – honestly that was an epic move, props to you! I do hope you realize you need this person out of your life. Keep your child as far away from this misogynistic man as you can. (Memento_Mori_357)

Obviously, NTA, that shit is petty AF and hilarious. So when are you leaving this jackass? (StonerTherapist-89)

Saying you “understand” is not saying you agree. He chose to interpret it as agreement. It was a masterful dodge that people should probably employ more often. Not a true AH move — it butts right up to the line close enough that depending on your perspective it can be seen as a clever move, or an AHlish move. (Cosmicdusterian)

Others thought that it was time she started seriously thinking about making an exit plan.

💊🚩Isn’t funny how the red-pill and red flags are the same color?

Honestly – no matter what the sex of the baby is – get your son/daughter out of there.

You DO NOT want them growing up in this environment. It’s not “tradition” it’s oppression and your kid is going to grow up learning they either need to be sneaky or bow down to dad’s wishes to keep the peace. (MyCouchPulzOut_IDont)


All the red pillers will downvote me to hell, but IMO, you aren’t married so if it were me, my child would not have his name. Period. It is understandable that he was so overpowering in the moment that you let him believe you would put his name on the birth certificate. Especially if you were outnumbered because he brings his enmeshed family into your disagreements. Also, you are entitled to change your mind at any time for any reason. Underneath this argument is the fact that he is an AH in general, and that would motivate me to distance myself and my child from him in whichever ways I could. (wehav2)

What do you think? Did she do the right thing?

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Jolene enjoys writing, sharing and connecting with other like-minded women online – it also gives her the perfect excuse to ignore Mount-Washmore until it threatens to bury her family in an avalanche of Skylander T-shirts and Frozen Pyjama pants. (No one ever knows where the matching top is!) Likes: Reading, cooking, sketching, dancing (preferably with a Sav Blanc in one hand), social media, and sitting down on a toilet seat that one of her children hasn’t dripped, splashed or sprayed on. Dislikes: Writing pretentious crap about herself in online bio’s and refereeing arguments amongst her offspring.

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