One man, set on having a second child despite his wife’s reluctance after a traumatic first pregnancy and labour, admits that he will resent her if they don’t have another child. After pushing the subject and asking her to produce evidence that a second pregnancy could be harmful to her, he was caught off guard when she agreed to consider falling pregnant again under one condition. In order for them to try for another baby, his wife wanted him to take on a less-demanding job so that he can support her though the pregnancy and postpartum, and be around to help more with the parenting. In other words, she didn’t want to have to do it all alone, but he’s not sure whether it’s a reasonable request!

I am very conflicted about this situation. I attempted to keep the context short but it’s a whole marriage I’m trying to summarize here, so I couldn’t:

My wife and I agreed before we got married we wanted 2 children. She also asked that we not get pregnant after 35. We have 1 child so far. The pregnancy was hard on her physically and ended in C-section. As a result she didn’t want anymore children which I had a very hard time accepting, but I obviously cannot force her.

It has been causing a rift now that we are approaching the 35-year-old “deadline” for another pregnancy. I know deep down that I will deeply regret not attempting to expand our family. We both have only one life to live and one shot to have a family. When I am 50, and it’s far too late to try for anymore children, I think I will resent my wife for her decision. I feel very intensely about this. And yet she feels very intensely about not having more children.

She recently sent me an email detailing the results of some internet research about the medical risks of having a 2nd pregnancy, given her first experience (at my request).

She admitted there’s no medical basis to not get pregnant again and her dr. confirmed. So she said, she will maybe get pregnant again if I quit my current job and apply for a specific job she approves of. It is a government, fully-remote position.

She never liked my current job, which is not over-the-top demanding but it is a demanding desk job in the financial industry with a 45-hr work week (plus commute), only half-remote, with restrictions on taking vacations on 2 weeks out of every month. But it pays well with benefits of course (but only 2 week paternity leave). So the idea is that the government job will be better for supporting her during pregnancy and post-partum / child rearing

Fortunately, people in the comments were not too polite to rip him a new one, and hand his arse back to him.

You’d resent your wife for not wanting to risk her health and her life to give you a second kid?

I swear some dudes just want a brood mare and actually don’t love their wives at all. (CrystalQueen3000)

A 2nd kid is worth risking her mental and physical well being. But apparently not worth him changing jobs…

Does he even care about his wife whatsoever? He wants a 2nd kid but isn’t willing to even change jobs…but expects her to put her health on the line.

I feel so sorry for his wife. (cMeeber)

So, your wife had a difficult pregnancy, an unexpected c section, you went back to working over 40 hours a week two weeks after, leaving her recovering from a major surgery, a rough pregnancy, and a newborn… yeah I can imagine why she wouldn’t want to have another child with you unless things changed. (finianden)

Other, more patient commenters, took the time to spell the situation out to him so that he might be better able to understand.

Given her difficult first pregnancy, I think it’s incredibly reasonable for her to want additional support if she gets pregnant again. She wants you to be present and involved and if you can’t be, she’s not eager to repeat a difficult experience without that support. What is the hesitation for you around changing your job? Could you still afford your lifestyle with the other job? Is there some reason it would make you unhappy? From my perspective, your wife had a difficult experience that she doesn’t need to repeat to be happy. She may be happy having a second child, but the burden of getting there is almost entirely on her. You want a second child. You should be looking for ways to support her and ease the burden of pregnancy and child-rearing so that she can feel comfortable making that choice. She’s presented you with a clear way to do that. If your hesitation is that you don’t actually want to offer the greater level of support and work that committing to that change would entail, then it’s not fair for you to ask her to go through with this. (Winter-Mongoose)

People were quick to point out to him that she was asking far less of him than he was asking of her, yet he felt like she wasn’t being reasonable!

Your wife is asking much less of you than you are of her. If you want a second child enough to pressure her into having one against her wishes, the bare minimum you can do is make the serious lifestyle changes that would make it less miserable for her.

By all means, you can counteroffer some other job change or lifestyle change that will give her the same level of support and coparenting, rather than this specific job. But the idea that she’s being unfair to ask you in general to dial back your work commitments and ambitions to provide the support she would need to raise the family only *you* want, is ridiculous. (Amaranthesque)

Dude no offense but you’re not the one having the kid. Sounds like she changed her mind after a traumatic life changing (and body changing) event which is totally fair. You quitting your job is nowhere near comparable to the sacrifices she’d make for another pregnancy. (buddyfluff)

People were gobsmacked that he was unable to see how entitled his attitude was.

What’s the problem?

Why does she have to sacrifice her health and body just because you want…while you compromise nothing?

You want two kids? Ok…take a job where you can help with them more.

You honestly sound really self centered here. (cMeeber)

What do you think? Is it fair that he commits to helping to support his wife more if he wants another child, or is providing financially more important?