The Joys of Perimenopause and Menopause (A Parody)
Witten by Anna Waters-Massey
There’s so much awareness now about women and what we go through with peri, menopause and beyond. Hoo-bloody-ray I say. Isn’t it refreshing! While we’re at, I can think of numerous other awkward subjects we should talk about e.g.: pelvic exams, flooding periods, episiotomies and incontinence.
Most women enter peri menopause in their 40’s and it can last for up to ten years. YAY! The average Australian woman goes through menopause age 51-52. But there are many women who go through early menopause due to hysterectomies, cancer treatments and other illnesses.
Let’s face it this time of our lives is like puberty on steroids. Our moods are all over the place, our bodies start turning into pears, we get joint aches, mental fog, forget why we went to the pantry, can’t remember the last time we slept through the night, can’t be bothered with sex anymore and our vag is too dry anyway. We sweat so much we need to bring a change of clothes to work, we snap more dangerously than a crocodile and we put the angst in anxiety. That isn’t even the whole gamut of things that come with “The Change” as grandma used to call it. It leaves me in no doubt that God is definitely not female.
But ladies we have to look at the funny side so we don’t melt into a puddle of sweat and tears. The wine I used to love now gives me a flushed face, so I know after two drinks I now have a natural blush on my cheeks. The lack of flooding periods means I can wear my white pants again without a worry. My inbuilt heating system, aka hot flushes, means I don’t get so cold in winter. I no longer have to worry about flashing, as maxi dresses rarely ride up and also cover unshaved legs. My mood swings and prickly attitude have heightened my bullshit meter and I no longer put up with wankers. In fact they tend to pick up on my vibe and avoid me. Come to think of it, I have become quite invisible in many situations, no one seemed to notice when I left the café last week without paying…
On a serious note, there is so much help out there to be found. Talk to people, ask your Mums, Aunts and friends what they went through. Visit naturopaths and doctors and find the treatment that works for you. Talk to your partner and kids, help them understand what you are going through. Don’t be like me and wait until you are suffering before you read up about peri and menopause. Knowledge is power, so read everything you can so you know what to expect and so you know you aren’t going mad. It hit me like a ten-tonne truck, and I had no idea what was happening until I was 5 years in! Two great books I recommend are ‘Queen Menopause’ by Ali Daddo and ‘I’m Your Peri Godmother’ by Shelly Horton.
And importantly, don’t forget to laugh. Us women are amazing and will continue to be well after menopause and beyond.
Menopausal Barbie
Parody of ‘I’m a Barbie Girl’ by Aqua
View this post on Instagram
Hi Barbie … Hi Ken … Wanna go for a ride … Sure Ken … Jump on
I’m a Barbie girl in a menopausal world
My pants are all elastic, comfy and fantastic
People rarely stare, I’m over 50 no one cares
There’s been a culmination to my menstruation
C’mon Barbie let’s go party
I’m a Barbie girl in an over 50s world
I’m a human incubator, a people duplicator
Some may say I’m past my prime, I say honey get in line
Life is my creation that calls for celebration
I’m a wife I’m a Mum with cellulite on my bum
I’m a lawyer, a grandma, a chemist
You get moody and hot and I love you a lot
Except when you beat me at tennis
I can shop
I can dine
If there’s wine I’ll always stay
I’m still a Barbie girl and this is still my world
I’m still enthusiastic and I can be sarcastic
These wrinkles show I’ve lived, I have zero f#*ks to give
Because my maturation is a cause for celebration
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ah ah ah yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ooh oh, ooh oh)
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ah ah ah yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ooh oh, ooh oh)
You’ve lost hair on your head and you snore in our bed
You spend more on your golf than my shopping
You kick off the sheets and you eat all the treats
You can laugh then you cry without stopping
I can laugh
I can cry
I can change from day to day
I can shop
I can dine
If there’s wine I’ll always stay
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ah ah ah yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ooh oh, ooh oh)
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ah ah ah yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party (ooh oh, ooh oh)
Anna Waters-Massey is a writer, actor and vocalist from the Gold Coast. She loves entertaining people and making them smile with her writing, song parodies and acting work. She is the creator of the comedy series Stage Mums which aired on Network Ten and animated series Insta Infamous and Forest Road.
You can follow me on my socials for more of my song parodies.
