This Dad’s Mortifying Experience is the Reminder We All Need to Keep Our Adult Toys Locked Away

Ask your kid to find their shoes or their school bag, and you’ve got next to no hope of them having a proper look, let alone finding them. Hide away something in a safe place that you don’t want them to ever find, and odds are they’ll find that shit quicker than a sniffer dog at the airport. So, if you’ve just got your…let’s say…sex toy…casually stored in an unlocked bedside drawer or other equally accessible hidey hole, this is your reminder to lock that shit up, lest you befall the fate of the parents in the story we are about to share with you.

Taking to Reddit, the veritable treasure trove of parenting fails, one man gives a blow by blow account of the moment his wife’s sex toy was found by his 6-year-old, and the cringe-worthy hilarity that followed.

This just happened about an hour ago. My wife was at the store and I was taking a shit. Next thing I know my 6yo is laughing like a hyena. Like that kind of laugh you can barely breathe. I hear my 13yo yell “what the hell!” And starts yelling “mom!” So I’m thinking the boys (6&3) are fighting so I shout out “what’s going on?!”
A moment later my 6yo is at the bathroom door laughing like a psycho trying to tell me. “M***** had a molded weiner, it looks just like a weiner! Hahahaha! It sticks to everything!”

Oh the horror!

I immediately know what he was talking about. I’m torn between laughing and yelling at my 3yo to drop it. So I’m yelling at him to drop it while I’m trying to finish up in the bathroom. He apparently didn’t care as my 6yo proceeds to tell me through the door that he is running around and sticking it to things. My 13yo (thankfully still quite naive) yells “he hit me with it, what the heck is that?!”

At this point I’m on the phone with my wife who is listening and mortified as to what is happening and yelling at me to hurry up and take it from him. Unfortunately, the antibiotics I’m on right now made my number two quite a mess so it’s not so easy unless I want to run out of the bathroom with shit all over me.

A little too much information, but we’ll overlook that, we’re invested in hearing how this story ends now!

So I continue telling my 6yo to tell M to drop it and he completely ignores me. He just keeps saying “it’s a blue weiner! Haha! It sticks to everything!” I’m forced to sit there and play narrator for my wife while I’m trying not to laugh and simultaneously be horrified knowing where that thing has been.
I finish in the bathroom and once again yell to my 3yo that I’m coming out and he’s in big trouble if he doesn’t drop it. I open the door a few moments later and he has the dong suctioned to the wall and is laughing while smacking his face against it. I immediately grab it and tell him to go was his hands and face. My 6yo keeps asking “why do you have that, what’s it for?”… I tell him it was something I bought to be funny and that it’s not for kids to play with. My 13yo just keeps telling me that my 3yo smacked him with it while he was watching TV.
I reiterate for the 9 millionth time to stay out of my room… we’ll be putting a lock on that drawer later today. The only comfort I have is in knowing that the dong gets washed after every use. It is still going in the trash though… it just isn’t right to keep it around after this.
TL;DR : My 3yo found a dildo and ran around hitting his brother and sticking it to things while I was unable to intervene as I was in the bathroom.

Oh dear! He’s described the mayhem so well, that we almost feel like we’re sitting on that toilet right there with him while the excited 6-year-old wields his blue willy-shaped sword at his siblings, donking them gleefully with it!!! Haha! It’s hilarious and mortifying in equal measure.

So, consider this a public service announcement. Lock away your adult toys so you never have to suffer the same mortifying fate!

Have you ever had an embarrassing situation in which someone discovered something you really wish they hadn’t?