When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go ~ A Parody About Incontinence!
By Anna Waters-Massey
Truth time ladies. Hands up if you have ever peed yourself. Come on don’t be shy. Aha yes, see. I’m guessing that at least 38% of you reading this have your hands up. That is the national statistic for incontinence in Australian women. And that is the count for people who have admitted it so can you imagine what the real count might be?!
When I was a hot young thing, BC (Before Children) rocking my bouffant hair, Levi jeans and bustier top, the only reason I peed myself was from drinking too many warm Carrington Blushes and laughing hysterically with my friends in the overcrowded toilet of the local nightclub.
Then I got married and had babies. The next time I peed myself I was so pregnant my baby was dancing on my bladder at inopportune times like lining up at the bank or the supermarket. ‘Oh gosh!’ I thought, ‘my water has broken! I need to get to the hospital stat!’ Nah false alarm I just peed myself. If someone made me laugh too much when I was pregnant, it heralded an underwear change. Likewise, a sneeze.
The next stage of unscheduled pees came after childbirth. Well duh! I just squeezed a watermelon out my nether regions, that area had a lot to recover from. And just when I thought I had recovered my control, I was pregnant again and the whole cycle was repeated.
The kids are now grown, I regained control to a certain degree but along came menopause and the glorious loss of muscle in every part of the body including the pelvic floor. I can almost hear the chairman of the board for incontinence pads laughing maniacally and rubbing his hands together in glee as women rush to supermarkets for his products. (Obviously, I made him a man in my daydream because I just can’t imagine a woman celebrating in the same way over a woman’s incontinence issue.)
There are two main types of incontinence; Stress and Urge. Stress Incontinence is when you do star jumps at the gym and embarrass yourself in your new Lululemon tights in front of the hot guy lifting weights, or you sneeze at work in a meeting and can’t leave the room until everyone else has gone, or you get the giggles at the restaurant and curse yourself for wearing a light coloured skirt. Urge Incontinence is when you get home and put the key in the front door while hopping around with crossed legs, or when you walk past a water fountain in the park on a date. It can also be caused by illnesses such as Parkinsons, multiple sclerosis and stroke.
For me, the urge happens every single time I drive to Brisbane city and reach a certain point in the road just after I turn off the highway. It’s actually ridiculous the way the brain tells my bladder it’s time for evacuation. I convince myself every time I will beat the urge, I prep by having no drinks and going to the loo before I get in the car (I call those the insurance wees). Just before the turn off I congratulate myself for doing so well, but every frikkin’ time I round that bend, all of a sudden, I’m dancing in my car seat fit to burst! What the actual? This, my friends, is the power of urge incontinence.
Back to the facts, according to Continence Health Australia:
- Urinary incontinence affects up to 38% of Australian women
- Over half of those women are aged under 50
- 65% of women visiting a GP report some kind of urinary incontinence
- Only 31% of these seek professional help
Here’s another fact that will have you reaching for your croissants. French women don’t suffer from urinary incontinence after childbirth because they are prescribed 20 post baby pelvic floor re-education sessions. Here’s a thought Mr Albanese, if you want to win the next election, why not follow the French’s initiative? You will win over the female vote, free up hospital beds and save the taxpayer millions in prolapse surgeries and hysterectomies.
Ladies, this is a call to action! It’s time to send the Incontinence Pads companies broke and take back your pelvic floors. There are a plethora of sites online with amazing exercises to regain control of your pelvic floor, train your bladder and improve your urinary function. Do not put up with it. Do not accept that this is the way it has to be because you are a woman, because you gave birth or because you have gone through menopause. Muscles can be strengthened, yes it takes dedication, and you may need a physio to help, but I believe in you! You can do this!
Here’s some helpful sites
Continence Health Australia All the facts about incontinence with some tips and downloadable resources.
The National Public Toilet Map We all know that David Jones and Myer are guaranteed to have accessible toilets but what if you aren’t near a shopping centre? How cool is this? A map of public toilets in Australia!
The Vagina Coach Kim Vopni created the ‘Buff Muff’ challenge. The name had me giggling immediately. I have found her exercises and advice super helpful.
Finally here is a parody song I wrote simply entitled ‘I Need to Pee’. I hope it gives you a giggle. Actually, maybe go to the loo before you watch it.
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I NEED TO PEE
Parody of ‘What About Me’ by Moving Pictures
Well, there’s a lovely lady waiting
At the counter of the corner shop
She’s been patient till now, but the guy in front
is Mr Have a chat and won’t stop
She hops on one foot, she can’t stay put
Frustratingly she pleads
I need to pee! This is no joke mate
just shut the f*#k up and pay for your stuff
Can’t you see, I’m literally knock kneed
And you just talk more than you need
Well, there’s a queue of lovely women
at the toilet of the local bar
But the bloke’s loo is free, and the women agree
their pelvic floors ain’t what they used to be
They’re not too proud, to cry out loud
And rush in to the men’s as they scream
We need to pee! You keep your troughs
but move out of our way there can be no delay
Can’t you see, our pelvic muscles are shot
We need to clench and do more squats
Don’t laugh, cough or sneeze without crossing your knees
The predominance of
incontinence
Can make the proudest woman pee
So listen as we whimper, we need to pee
And now I’m in the supermarket
with incontinence pads
well sexy they’re not, geez they cost a lot
And they don’t look this big in all the ads
I’ll do more Kegels, I’ll put it off
and be sure that I’m seated when I sneeze or laugh or cough
When we need to pee, you best take heed
there is no holding back, it’s a bladder attack
We’re ladies and we’ve pushed out babies
Emergency
I need to pee. Like actually now
Get the f*#k out of my way there can be no delay
Can’t you see it’s beyond my control
I am bursting
And I’m cursing
It’s dispersing
Emergency…Need loo urgently…Bladder category 3…it’s trickling down my kneee
Anna Waters-Massey is a writer, actor and vocalist from the Gold Coast. She loves entertaining people and making them smile with her writing, song parodies and acting work. She is the creator of the comedy series Stage Mumswhich aired on Network Ten and animated series Insta Infamous and Forest Road.
You can follow me on my socials for more of my song parodies.
