In news that will surprise exactly zero wives anywhere, one woman is complaining that her husband spends an inordinate amount time in the toilet. However, it’s not just the amount of time he spends in the toilet that she is taking umbrage with, it’s the timing of his bathroom visits that is becoming something of an issue. Whilst her husband’s lengthy toilet visits were less of an issue before their baby arrived, the woman feels as though they are now conveniently timed around their baby’s crying. If he is holding the baby and they begin to cry for example, he automatically tries to hand the child back to mum so that he can go to the toilet, regardless of what mum is doing at the time.

Like many men, my husband spends about half an hour on the bog. I have no idea why, or how, it takes so long, but it’s takes an age.

This didn’t bother me before we had a baby. Now, it irks me no end.

He got back from work today. He held the baby for a whole 5 minutes before the baby began screaming.

So, my husband just hands the baby back to me. I have to eat my dinner (which I made) while holding a screaming baby. I had to ask twice for him to take the baby when he’d finished eating so I could finish.

As soon as I’d finished my food, he’s like “I need the toilet” while holding the baby out for me to take. I simply told him no. I told him to spend some time with the baby and stop palming them off on me.

(Edit for clarification: I asked him to wait for 10 minutes, specifically. I didn’t say he couldn’t use it at all. I feel I should have made that clearer.)

My husband has zero skills in soothing our crying baby. He just hands the baby back as soon as the crying begins, or he just goes “there there” while he continues doing whatever he’s doing. It annoys me that he doesn’t try or practice getting our baby to calm down.

So, am I the asshole for telling my husband not to go to the toilet?

Commenters were keen to point out that the mum likely didn’t get a similar 30 minutes to herself during the day for something as luxurious as going to the bathroom alone, and that it was unfair of the husband not to give her a small break after caring for their baby all day.

NTA. Unfortunately, some men are raised thinking that childcare is a woman’s responsibility.

They also think that staying at home with the baby is not actually work, it’s like vacation. When it’s so hard. You don’t get to sleep, eat, shower at all. It’s exhausting and some men think that they are doing their fair of work by just going to work. I’m so sorry op you are going through this.

Your husband needs to grow up and step up otherwise have no quality time for yourself to take a long shower will affect your mental health. (FluffyBonehead)

NTA

A person home with a baby all day does not get to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom. It simply does not happen. Yes, even if they have to poop. Even if they have a medical condition. The baby pretty much has to come with you or you have to wait for a more convenient time (nap time, etc.). I don’t know why the dad is not expected to do the same. It’s a ridiculous double standard.

The working parent cannot just come home, spend 5 minutes with their child and then spend 30 mins in the bathroom.

I don’t think OP meant that the dad was not allowed to use the bathroom at all lol. Just that they were not going to let him off the hook for an additional 30 minutes when she probably never gets a similar break.

Life with small babies is hard and OP gets a free pass because her husband is clearly behaving like a second child.

NTA since in a comment you’ve mentioned that medical reasons for his long toileting are nonexistent. He’s just being a bad partner and a lazy dad. Time to get him on board with fatherhood, I guess. (MiskatonicUAlum)

Other people counselled the woman to nip her husband’s weaponsied incompetence in the bud now otherwise it’ll become ‘just the way things are.’

NTA but you really need to address his weaponized incompetence ASAP. I’d suggest you go spend thirty minutes on the toilet right after he gets home… (Humble_Pen_7216)

NTA. If you let him avoid learning his own way to calm or sooth your baby then it will always be an excuse for why he can come and go as he pleases but you’re expected to always have the baby. Keep trying to get him to be a responsible father.(Dazzling_Note6245)

Others suggested that her husband may simply be lacking in confidence when it comes to soothing their fussy baby, and the solution may be giving him some pointers on how to help.

NTA. But is this baby number 1? It may take some teaching to help him do it. Is it annoying you have to do this, yeah it is. But tell him hold them like this pat their little butt. Or comfort them by doing xyz. And hopefully he will listen.

My husband did the same thing on the toilet until we made the toilet a no phone zone. So just go in, do you business and get out. He spends so much less time in there (Speedygurl1)

Your husband needs to shape up quick. He chose to have a baby, he is required to do 50% of the parenting as a result. Is he having postpartum depression? Men can also get it, and it’s not often talked about. Is he feeling pressured? Out of his depth? There are resources to help with all of that, and ignoring his baby isn’t one of them. (morbid_n_creepifying)

In this situation it is clear that communication is key. Instead of allowing resentment to fester the new mum needs to be clear about what she needs from her husband.

Have you actually talked to him about skills to soothe the baby? Not just commented that he doesn’t have them, but to work on building those skills and make clear this is something he needs to actively learn, and put effort into? You shouldn’t have to handhold him through this but if he’s not getting there and you are just building resentment quietly that’s no good either. (Voldfishie)

Unsurprisingly, the woman was deemed not to be the asshole for making her baby wait 10 minutes. Many people even thought that if he was desperate to go he should do what his wife would have had to do in the same situation and take the baby with him! Something tells us that wouldn’t have been such a long toilet visit though!

Do you know someone who treats visits to the bathroom as an opportunity for some extended ‘me-time’ when their he