The 23 Most Petty and Hilarious Reasons For Breaking Up With Someone

Ever had a relationship that seemed to be going along just fine and then one stupid little thing happens and you’re just like, “nope. I’m done”?

There might be bigger problems where you’d think it would be a deal breaker, but choose to work past it. But then there’s that one little, petty thing that just finally flips a switch and you know it’s over. There is no coming back from that place. Done.

Or they might chew loudly on the first date and you know you can never accept that as part of your life and you flee into the night without a second thought. Either way though, breaking up over petty shit is often hilarious. Here are some petty reasons these people broke up with their partners.

#1 The Anti-Lefty

“He freaked out when he realised that I am left handed because he heard that lefties are sinister.

WTF

I devoured his soul before dumping him, as is tradition.”

#2 The Touché Douche

“He said “touché” the way we now say “lol”. Like it was just a meaningless filler word used to respond to anything. “I’m not coming over tonight” “touché”. “Grab me a beer and I’ll be there in ten” “touché”.

I’m not even an English snob. I don’t correct other people when they use the wrong “to” or anything. But that shit made me insane. He was also a late 30s barfly/bouncer still living with multiple roommates and dating 19 year olds, but it was the touché that led to the breakup.

He said it FIVE FUCKIN TIMES in our breakup convo. I remember because at that point I was always counting them. Five times!”

#3 Circling the Drain

“I was “going out” with someone when I was 13. We were in a friend’s basement watching a movie, and we were holding hands. For the duration of the movie he would not stop making tiny circles on the top of my hand with his thumb. Over and over and over. I think he meant to be endearing. Being young and meek, I didn’t want to say he was driving me absolutely fucking insane for like 2 hours so instead I dumped him via text that evening. It was like Chinese water torture, thumb-style. The relationship was two weeks long, but 12 years later I still remember how badly I wanted to freak out.”

#4 Too Many Balls

“Maybe not really ‘dumped’ so much as just didn’t continue past the first date, but he arrived to our first date in a truck that not only had a pair of balls in the trailer hitch, but also had a bumper sticker that said “Dodge the father, Ram the daughter”.

The worst part is I didn’t realize that was his truck until the end of the date. We had met online, so we were meeting for the first time in a restaurant. When I got there he was already inside, and I took note of the truck in a more “who the fuck drives that thing?” kind of way. I didn’t think anything else of it until I got to my car at the end of a reasonably okay date and saw him get in the truck and drive away. Killed any chance he had of a second date, that’s for sure.”

#5 The Third Wheel

“I broke up with a guy because he was inseparable from his sister (they lived together, and were in their late 20s). Like we’d go out the three of us, and he’d walk in front with her, or let her sit in the front seat of the car. It was awful.”

#6 Cannot Feel The Love Tonight

“We got into a fight about what the word vagabond meant. He thought it meant someone of royalty and refused to believe otherwise even after I whipped out the dictionary. He was already on thin ice for saying theee-ayter instead of theater.“

#7 Funky Town

“I was 15 with my first boyfriend. We were making out on my bed and he turns around to reach for something, facing his backside towards me and I realise: He smells like poop!!

Cue me spending the next 30 minutes trying to confirm that he actually smells like poop. He did. Broke up with him the next day.”

#8 Geographically Undesirable

“He lived thirty minutes away, and the price of petrol kept going up. I didn’t feel as though he was worth it.”

#9 The Cat Sculpture

“He didn’t buy me a birthday present or pay for birthday lunch, after inviting me out for lunch, but then bought himself a random cat sculpture whilst we were out celebrating my birthday! We were together 7 years but this was the day that marked the beginning of the end.”

#10 The Kiss Goodbye

“I was willing to let some basic annoyances go – he had a voice like Gilbert Gotfried and he was short (5’4″ ish). But he was really an awesome person so we went on a few dates. Third date, he kisses me and shoves his entire tongue down my throat – like thick and choking and it was the most awful experience on the planet. We didn’t go out again after that.”

#11 The Nail Biter

“He would bite his nails then spit them across the room. I can still hear the sound in my head twenty five years later.”

#12 The Roller Coaster

“He claimed to love roller coasters and kept asking me in a condescending way if I could handle riding them. We were at a theme park. After going on a couple of rides he puked, I bailed.”

#13 The Ex

“He kept calling during X-Files.”

#14 Oh no No NO

“My best friend dumped a guy in high school because he had, and I quote, “bologna nipples”.”

#15 The Snake Charmer

“He kissed by rapidly sticking his tongue in and out of my mouth over and over again kind of like a snake tasting the wind… Took all the magic out.”

#16 Hormonal and Petty

“Ate a pint of ice cream and didn’t offer me any. I was pregnant at the time, so hormonal and petty.

There was a lot going on and that wasn’t the only reason I left, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It worked out well, though – two years later we have a beautiful little boy and a pretty solid friendship and co-parenting relationship.”

#17 The Steak Ruiner

“He wanted his filet mignon extra well done.

I made dinner one night and asked how he liked his meat to be cooked. He said very well done, no pink at all. When it was time for the meat to come out, he asked “can you leave it in longer?” Those steaks were overcooked, dry, and leathery as all fuck. He said they were perfectly done.

I can’t be with a man that likes his meat overdone and cooked to shit.”

# 18 The Close Call

“He had blonde eyelashes. They freaked me out. Thankfully I did though, as he turned out to be a freakin rapist!!!!! Listen to your intuition girls.”

#19 The Grammar Nazi

“Grammar and a lot of typo errors. Sorry, not sorry.”

#20 Cool Beans

“He said “awesome sauce.”

I just don’t want to be around people who say that.”

#21 The Flicker

“There was a girl I dated once who flicked my Adam’s apple once and thought it was super funny. I very calmly told her that I didn’t enjoy it in the least. She thought I was kidding and did it again. Blocked her number right then and there in front of her.”

#22 The G Banger

“The first time we had sex, he stripped down revealing a lime green thong. We dated a grand total of four days. No, it did not go well with his body type or personality.”