Ask Eliza – I Have My Ex Husband’s Last Name and My Boyfriend Wants Me to Change It

Dear Eliza,

I was married to my now ex-husband for 10 years and we have a daughter together. I have kept his last name since our divorce (just over four years ago) as I wanted to have the same surname as our child. I just find it easier to have the same last name and didn’t really feel like changing it after our divorce was finalised.

But my boyfriend doesn’t like it. He says it doesn’t matter if my daughter and I have different surnames. He’s actually asked me to change my name back to my maiden name. We’ve been together for over two years but have no plans to get married as I don’t really want to do that again. But I don’t want to upset my boyfriend either.

What should I do?

{name withheld, Balcatta, WA)

Well this is quite the pickle, isn’t it?

On one hand, you want to please the person you love who is upset by something that’s relatively easily to fix. We all want to satisfy our partners and I can see how this is no different to any other compromise we make in our relationships.

But on the other hand, its a pain in the arse to change the name you’ve had for nearly fifteen years just to make some dude happy. Why should you have to change your name for him? Your marriage is over, your divorce is well and truly finalised. What’s it to him?

It looks like he wants to erase all reminders of your ex-husband. Did he also ask you to change all your furniture, decor, kitchenware and linen? Did he make you throw away all your old photos of when you were married? Has he forgotten about your daughter?

I think you should tell your boyfriend to grow up and get over it. You’re a grown arse woman. You had that name when you met him. He needs to accept that you had a past before you met him, a personal history that included a marriage and a child.

And if he can’t or won’t accept that, tell him to hit the road. If you give in to this request, there will be more to follow. And you don’t need a sulky man-child whinging about silly things like surnames. You have your daughter watching. You need to be a strong and dignified role model for her.

Best of luck!