Remember when I shared A Single Mum’s Foray into the World of Internet Dating: Part 1?

Well, Linda Lovelace (as we are henceworth going to refer to her as) has agreed to make this a regular slot! (I’m excited for you because of course I have already heard these stories, mostly over vino…and there are some hilarious ones still to come!)

If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, I suggest you read that one first and then come back here for the next installment!

A Single Mum’s Foray into the World of Internet Dating: Part 2

Firstly I’d like to thank you all for your kind words of support on my previous guest post, I’m glad my escapades have given some people a laugh. Christ knows us Mums can all do with a laugh or two now and then.

Now Ladies with this whole internet dating hoo-ha – Its always a good idea to have some conversation prior to agreeing to a date. I think it’s a good idea to converse via the website for a while, get a feel for the person. Then perhaps exchange numbers and talk on the phone a little.

These two are examples of why the above is a good idea…

THE MOVER

So I met The Mover on a particular website that provides guided communication for the first few steps. First there’s pre-written multiple choice questions to choose from, then open ended questions. All of which are largely idiotic and not anything you would ask anyone you met face to face at a pub or similar. You then make it to the open communication stage.

The Mover and I had been through all the guided communication and it came to the open emailing. Well, within the first couple of emails I noticed that The Mover was a tad over anxious with the whole situation.

For example, when he asked for my number in the first email and I responded that I wasn’t comfortable sharing that so early in the communication trail, he responded asking for the first seven digits only and he would ‘guess’ the other three. I wasn’t completely freaked out by this as I thought perhaps he was joking….

Turns out he wasn’t joking because he asked for the seven digits again (and again) and then he advised me (in his third email) that he was more than happy to relocate and live with me as soon as possible as he would be able to secure work nearby, given his apparently much sought after skill set and superior employability. I didn’t take the opportunity to point out that he had advised me in his previous email that he wasn’t currently working and had, had some difficulty obtaining employment that fit with his requirements.

He also advised he was looking forward to moving in so we could enjoy a blended family life with my children and his. (Did I mention I hadn’t actually met the bloke). It was at this point I pulled the pin on communication and wished him all the best in his search.

I do hope he finds someone happy to move him in after two emails and they live happily ever after, I imagine they’d probably have a fanciful life together and possibly keep unicorns as pets in their little world.

THE ONE WITH THE DOG

I spoke with this one for quite some time, in the beginning he seemed like a nice enough guy although I did note that there was extensive reference to his dog. ‘He’s an animal lover’, I told myself, ‘that’s a good thing’.

Now rest assured I love dogs as much as the next person. Their furry little faces, undivided loyalty, love and their individual idiosyncrasies… but this my friends, turned out to be bordering on obsession.

We had arranged to meet up for a drink one Saturday afternoon. He cancelled last minute as it was too hot that day for the dog to be out in a beer garden. The dog needed to stay home in front of the air conditioner.

My youngest child was hospitalised due to his serious chronic respiratory illness. Consequently (and understandably in my view), I was a little preoccupied and slacked off on the communication a tad for the two weeks we were in the hospital. Once my son was out of hospital and I picked up communication, he sympathised as he knew what it was like…… because his dog had recently had a cold.

Late one night the dog had a seizure, I awoke to a teary voicemail requesting my support through this difficult time….. (Did I mention I hadn’t met the bloke?). I called back later in the day and did my best caring female impersonation. He was peeved that I had taken so long to return the call.

At this point contact was dwindling – through my own choice, although I was beginning to wonder if I was just a bitch. Perhaps I had been on my own too long and now lacked the required compassion a relationship needs? Maybe I was the problem, had I become so hardened that I didn’t care for others’ circumstances any more? Was I so mean and nasty these days that I didn’t care for puppy dogs?

I discussed this with the bestie (over a vino or three), she agreed with me that perhaps the dog thing was a tad beyond ‘mans best friend’. Now you may assume bias given she’s my bestie, but rest assured my relationship with the bestie is such that if she thought I was being a heartless bitch – she would tell me just that. We both agreed that this would get messy should the unwell dog unfortunately pass away.

Christmas came and went, minimal contact was maintained. The bestie had rented a holiday home with her family and invited my kids and I to spend a night there with them. The holiday house was near where the ‘One With The Dog’ lived, he knew I would be there and there was some discussion around whether we would perhaps get the opportunity to meet up for a drink.

The day before I was scheduled to go and stay at the holiday house the dog died. It was sad, as it is when any poor puppy passes. I was compassionate. I was then invited to the dogs funeral. His whole family would be there, he would be giving the eulogy and singing while his nephew played Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven on guitar. His sister was doing the flowers and his Mum had the food covered for the wake. He was pretty sure the dog would’ve liked him to have a date for the funeral.

….. I didn’t go.

Have you ever been invited on a first date more awkward than a dog’s funeral?  If you have we’d love to hear about it!