Pensioners Coffee? Milk? One Lump or Two?

You’ve seen the sign before, right? It’s usually sticky taped to the coffee machine in one of the food court vendors glass cabinets, above the chicken snitzels and to the left of the chicken and advocado focaccias. But have you ever wondered what pensioners coffee is? You know, as in…

Well, for those of you who have wondered, let me tell you, I’ve been doing a spot of sleuth work – let’s call it ‘Granny-watch’ – and I think I have it pretty well sussed, exactly how to make a perfect cup of pensioners coffee.

Step One: If there is one must-have item for the ‘pensioners coffee’ it is the milk jug. At a certain age, it seems, older people decide that your run-of-the-mill milk carton is no longer sufficient. It is far better it seems to pour the contents of the carton into a milk jug. Covering the jug with a lace doily is optional.

Step Two: Leave the jug on the kitchen bench. You’ve lived through a world war, and managed before the invention of refrigerators – a little warm sour milk never killed anyone.

Step Three: Disregard the best before date on the coffee tin. They are a 21^st century gimmick that companies employ to trick consumers to throw away perfectly good products and buy more. The same applies to the cheese. Just cut the green mouldy bits off. She’ll be right.

Step Four: Feed your cat/Yorkshire terrier with a tin of food that costs more than a cup of pensioner coffee, ‘because they don’t like the cheap stuff.’

Step Five: Add a teaspoon of coffee, a lump of milk and pour on the boiling water.

Step Six: Sit back and lament the fact that, for some reason you can’t quite fathom, they just don’t make coffee like they used to.