The Other Half: The Truth About Onesies
Now, I don’t know about you, but there is a definitive way of finding out if your partner actually listens to you when you talk.
“Honey,” I said to Hubbster one evening. “I’m thinking of buying a onesie to wear to bed at night.”
“Oh right,” came his vague response, eyes glued to the vision of what looked to me like several beefcakes running around a large green oval shaped thing on my TV screen.
Oh right? Oh right? Coming from the man who has a whinge if I even so much as hop into bed in my undies? Safe to say, he isn’t listening.
But, I was unperturbed in my quest to incite a little banter with Hubbster, so last night I beckoned him over to the computer screen to show him a particular onesie that had caught my eye at a recent Target event.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“Yeah, nice,” he replied enthusiastically, nodding with that big goofy grin on his face.
“No,” I said shooting him my well-rehearsed death stare, “Not her! I mean, what she is wearing!!!”
His eyes bulged like a man that was having his neck compressed by a large Boa Constrictor, and I watched as a bead of sweat formed on his brow.
I could almost hear him silently willing himself ‘Quick, think, quick. I should have married Gwyneth Paltrow, she sounds like way more fun when she is mad!”
“Oh,” he said as two comic shaped lightbulbs flashed in the place where his eyeballs were, “I’ll be back in a sec. I just remembered I have to do my footy tips,” and he high-tailed it to the man-cave.
So really, what is a girl to do when her fella is either too scared or too sensible to tell her the truth?
I’ll tell you shall I?
You come here and ask ‘The Other Half.’
You see, I have managed to assemble not one, not two, but five of Australia’s hottest Dad bloggers to join me every Friday to answer the mysteries of the male mind for us. Don’t ask me how I managed it, I still have no idea, but the words of Baldrick from Blackadder spring to mind:
‘A plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel.’
So, for those of you like me, that have thought about adding a onesie or two (would that be onesies or onesi?) to your collection of sleeping apparel, I’m asking the important questions here today:
What do men really think of onesies?
Reservoir Dad
I’m all for it. Women look cute and sexy in onesies.
I’ve always had a thing for women wearing white wooly jumpers – just ask Reservoir Mum. I have no idea why and no inclination to question it. In our draw of adult toys you’ll find several white jumpers and cardigans made of different kinds of wool – sheep, cashmere, alpaca.
I’m excited by the adult onesie discovery. Next date night RM can expect to open a ribbon-secured box to find a warm, white onesie inside.
As to the mechanics of date-night shenanigans? I suggest a subtle alteration.
According to urban legend, an Orthodox Jewish man prepared his wife for intercourse by placing a sheet, with a little hole in it, over her body. This allowed for penetration at the same time that it prevented excessive skin contact.
And that is what we need – a onesie with a little hole in it.
A warm and furry ride for all.
Dad Down Under
I shared my first kiss with my wife in a nightclub and she was dressed to impress, hot, hot, hot! During that first kiss I did not envisage that 12 years down the line the same beautiful, glamorous gal would be trying to snuggle up on the sofa with me dressed like a giant furry condom. I did not sign up to that, I signed up to nightclub girl dammit!
“Can you at least roll the sleeves up a bit so I can see a slither of bare flesh?”
“Absolutely not, I am in a very cosy place right now”
“You look like a giant furry condom”
“I don’t care, I am in a very cosy place right now”
“They can’t be that comfy?”
“Try it on, I bet you a week’s worth of foot rubs that you love it”.
And for the past week I have been sat on the sofa, administering foot rubs to a giant furry smug condom. I get it now.
http://daddownunder.wordpress.com/
Fast Lane Dad
As someone who wore overalls for a considerable period of his working life, I am quite comfortable in an all-in-one type jump/rompa suit. As I look back at the 80’s I do recall the Jumpsuit being quite the fashion statement and as much as I try to steer clear of blame, we have FAME to BLAME for that!
As for this Onesie malarky, if FastLaneMom was to ever grace her – what I deem to be perfect – body with one of these abominations then I would tear it from her, with my teeth. Hopefully I would’t inflict any damage to her perfectness, which I guess would depend greatly on the alcohol level at the time. If however, FastLaneMom decided to dig out her old jumpsuit then I would deem myself only half a man if I didn’t grease myself up, take a deep breath and pour myself into my old motor racing overalls. I can tell you now that even though there are no flaps in either of these ‘To Hot to trot’ outfits, there would be nothing that would stop the animal in her from trying to rip holes in my original onesie outfit. Necessity is the mother of invention after all!
Can you get sexy onesies??
David “Bucky” Goldstein – Aussie Daddy Bloggers
Thankfully my much better half doesn’t own a onesie and I certainly wont be rushing out to buy her one either. I ask you, what real man would want to purchase pyjamas for his partner that actually cover up more skin? For most of us pyjama time means fun time…or at least a slightly enhanced chance of fun time. I need to maximize my chances of scoring points on the pillow, rather than dressing my missus up like a goal keeper. I don’t even care if the onesie has an easy access flap, the only acceptable onesie is the birthday suit onesie.
Travis ‘Chubba’ Bull – Tacklenappy
Chubba had much to say on the subject of adult onsies. You can read his blog post ‘Onsies Give Me the Twosies’ here.
* * * *
Hubbster returned later in the evening from the man-cave, clearly having sufficient time to ponder the place a onesie might have in our marriage.
“You know that flap thing at the back?”
Uh-huh,” I answered arching my brow anticipating the next line.
‘That is so you can go for a wee isn’t it?”
I nodded.
“I’m just wondering whether it is a one way street?”
I think that sums it up quite clearly for us what men think of onesies don’t you?
Tell me, do you own one? Would you wear one (despite what the blokes think?)
Jolene
Jolene enjoys writing, sharing and connecting with other like-minded women online – it also gives her the perfect excuse to ignore Mount-Washmore until it threatens to bury her family in an avalanche of Skylander T-shirts and Frozen Pyjama pants. (No one ever knows where the matching top is!) Likes: Reading, cooking, sketching, dancing (preferably with a Sav Blanc in one hand), social media, and sitting down on a toilet seat that one of her children hasn’t dripped, splashed or sprayed on. Dislikes: Writing pretentious crap about herself in online bio’s and refereeing arguments amongst her offspring.
