Do You and Your Partner Have Enough Sex to Keep Each Other Happy?

I have a friend who recently announced that after more than 30 years of marriage, she’s “quit” having sex. Forever. I was kind of stunned because I’ve known her and her husband for more than 20 years and he does not strike me as being on the same page about this. He’s fit, trim and athletic and is a I-love-life-love-and-adventure kind of guy. So I said “Huh? What? Why?”

She explained that as a larger woman (she really isn’t that large) that she just isn’t comfortable with her body and so that’s it, she’s done with it and that her husband is OK with it.

Somewhat stunned, I said to her (we’d all had quite a few drinks by this stage) “Can’t you just; you know, turn on your side and just ahh, ‘let‘ him? Like, literally it’ll take 5 minutes and you wouldn’t even have to DO anything. Because surely to God he’s still going to want it! At some point.”

She said “Nah, really he’s fine with it. We discussed it and he understands.”

Later that evening he tried to play footsie with me under the table and when they got to the door to say goodbye he turned my face at the last second and planted an unexpected and forceful kiss on my mouth whilst at the same time full-on groping my arse. Awkward. So yeah nah, I don’t think he’s quite as over it as she thinks he is.

Another friend of mine only “allows” sex to occur when her husband deserves it. This can include anything from losing a bit of weight (he doesn’t need to lose any), or cutting back a bit on the booze (she doesn’t like drinking very much) or because he’s fixed a bunch of stuff around the house. He complains about this situation to us when she’s not around a LOT. He is a red-blooded, in-his-prime, attractive, sexy man. I think she is a fool.

And I call bullshit to both of these women. They amaze me with their naivety. One has the attitude her husband just plain doesn’t need this basic, biological function at all and the other one believes it’s something that can be doled out at her whim. Like breathing, sleeping and food they are both holding their partners hostage to receiving what is a primary human need and in my humble opinion they are both treading on dangerous ground and are leaving themselves wide open for them to go and seek it elsewhere. Seriously.

Most people’s sex drives operate on a continuum. Maybe when you first get together with your partner, you both want it constantly. Then depending on moods, hormones or a whole variety of other factors, needs can vary hugely from one partner still wanting and needing it several times a day to the other partner only wanting it once a month. Or not at all. Body issues, weight gain, becoming a new mother can all change how you once felt about sex with your partner. And the same holds true for men not always wanting it as often as their partner. It happens.

But…in order for a relationship to thrive, just like in every other area there needs to be compromise from both parties. Sure you may not feel like it at the moment, but if he is hanging for a roll in the hay, then what skin is it off your nose to chuck the sheets back for however long it takes to indulge him to keep things rolling along smoothly? I, for one, have always held firm to this belief but I know from personal experience a lot of women don’t think this way at all. I hear it all the time “oh, I wish he’d just leave me alone, I’m tired, I don’t feel like it, why should I?”

My husband and I used to be the couple that did it every. single. day. Even right through and including up to the day I had our first baby. And, wait for it – albeit in a slightly modified version, even on the day I got home from hospital with that baby. I know. And over the years things have slowed down to just a couple times a week and there have been days when I couldn’t be bothered but if he’s up for it, then I’m up for it because I’m in this relationship for the long haul and we vowed on our wedding day to make each other happy no matter what.

Having LOTS of sex will not necessarily make you OR your partner happy if you’re both already satisfied. Statistics show that the average adult only has sex two or three times a month.

What will make you both happy is if you’re both getting what you need, when you need it and if that means rolling over and taking one for the team, then I say do it.