A Powerful Letter to All Parents With Sons

A powerfulΒ letter shared on Huffington Post has had 459k likes on Facebook.
The post reads as an open letter to the parents of U.S. Teenagers. Although really the letter is one that could be read by parents around the world.
The letter prompts parents to start talking to their sons about sex, consent and assault.
How many parents talk to their sons about rape?
The compelling letter states, βThe idea of having the βdonβt rapeβ conversation with your son is more difficult as you donβt ever want to imagine him as a perpetrator.β
The letter has been penned on the wake of the Stanford rape case which has caused headlines as the rapistβs parents have defended their son on his hideous crime.
The former Stanford University athlete, Brock Turner, has been convicted of multiple charges of sexual assault, yet the father said his son should not go to prison for β20 minutes of actionβ.
Turnerβs mother has also penned a letter, defending her son, writing, βMy first thought upon wakening every morning is βthis isnβt real, this canβt be real. Why him? Why HIM? WHY? WHY?β
Of course, the reaction to the motherβs letter was received with the same disbelief as the fatherβs statement.
Both responses show parents need to be having conversations with both their daughters and their sons about sex and consent.
I canβt write much more than what this writer has explained in this powerful post.
To the Parents of U.S. Teenagers,
(An open letter.)
Remember that intimate conversation you had with your son? The one where you said, βI love you and I need you to know that no matter how a woman dresses or acts, it is not an invitation to cat call, taunt, harass or assault herβ?
Or when you told your son, βA womanβs virginity isnβt a prize and sleeping with a woman doesnβt earn you a pointβ?
How about the heart-to-heart where you lovingly conferred the legal knowledge that βa woman doesnβt have to be fighting you and you donβt have to be pinning her down for it to be RAPE. Intoxication means she canβt legally consent, NOT that sheβs an easy score.β
Or maybe you recall sharing my personal favorite, βYour sexual experiences donβt dictate your worth just like a womanβs sexual experiences donβt dictate hers.β
Last but not least, do you remember calling your son out when you discovered he was using the word βslutβ liberally? Or when you overheard him talking about some girl from school as if she were more of a conquest than a person?
I want you to consider these conversations and then ask yourself why you donβt remember them. The likely reason is because you didnβt have them. In fact, most parents havenβt had them.
By contrast, here are some conversations you might have a better recollection of. Iβll give you a telling hint: they probably werenβt with your son.
βBe careful with the way you act and the way you dress β itβs easy to get a bad reputation.β
βThatβs just the way boys are β you canβt give them any excuse to behave that way towards you.β
βYou need to be safe! When you dress that way, some people read it as an invitation.β
βNever go out alone, never walk alone at night, never drink from an open beverage.β
These are conversations often had by loving parents like you. They come from a place of care, they come from a place of concern but most notably they come from a place of upside-down, cultural indoctrination that is hurting, stifling and punishing young women.
The cultural indoctrination that Iβm speaking of goes something like this: It is a young womanβs responsibility to safeguard herself from rape, assault, harassment, stalking and abuse because boys will be boys and some of them just canβt help themselves.
As a writer on issues of sexual health, Iβve talked to a fair share of parents who are more than aware of this screwed-up reality but donβt really know what to do about it.
βItβs unfair and itβs horrifying,β one mother admitted to me, βbut that doesnβt change the fact that itβs true. I canβt change the fact that there are creepy men out there behaving badly. I have to help my daughter protect herself.β
So letβs take a quick look at these βcreepy men.β Who are they, really? Who are the creepy men that are making it unsafe for your daughter to go solo to a party on campus? Who are the creepy men that are catcalling her or slut-shaming her or intimidating her with their words? Who are the creepy men that are stalking her? Harassing her? Attacking her?
Who are these βcreepy menβ and where did they come from AND who in the hell raised them?
The answer, unfortunately, is YOU.
We have too much information to continue blaming the anonymous man lurking in the shadows. We have more than enough data to conclude that the majority of perpetrators arenβt βothers,β they are peers and classmates and ex-boyfriends and friends.
They are young men your daughter probably knows and interacts with. You cannot build a wall up around your daughter to keep these men from entering her world β they are already inside it.
I donβt expect you to welcome this news. I doubt many will even accept it. I want you to know that Iβm not saying all young men are rapists or disrespectful of women β and Iβm certainly not saying that all young men are just hardwired that way.
What I am saying is this: we live in a culture that puts victims on trial with questions like, βwell, what were you wearing?β and βhow much did you drink?β We live in a culture where a mother, concerned about raising sons who βact honorably,β holds young women accountable for the way young men objectify them. We live in a culture where a judge hands down a 30-day sentence to a rapist because his 14-year-old victim was βolder than her chronological age.β
We live in a culture that relegates not getting raped to women and girls instead of expecting and demanding boys and men to be responsible for not raping.
Your son is coming of age in that culture with those messages swirling around him. You might have raised him in a home that perpetuated that culture without ever intending to or perhaps you raised him in a home that taught values in complete contrast to that culture. The more important question is: did you ever directly tell him to never buy into that culture? Did you ever tell him that culture is unacceptable and WRONG? Did you ever have any of the aforementioned conversations?
When you have the βavoid getting rapedβ conversation with your daughter, it is difficult, as you donβt want to imagine her as a victim. The idea of having the βdonβt rapeβ conversation with your son is more difficult as you donβt ever want to imagine him as a perpetrator.
Do it anyway.
Do it because so many parents have thought they didnβt need to and so many people have suffered because of it.
Do it because you love your son and want him to have a bright future.
Do it because not doing it is irresponsible.
Do it for your daughter or for your nieces or for young women in general because while this particular conversation might be terrifying, the much more terrifying reality is young women continuing to be taught to live in fear of men.
That is really what youβre doing when you have the βdonβt get rapedβ conversation with your daughter. You are telling her to always be suspicious, you are telling her to spend her life looking over her shoulder, you are telling her that any man is a potential predator.
βBUT ITβS TRUE,β you might think. βAll of these things are true.β
And youβre not wrong. Sexual assault is pervasive today β 1 in 4 to 5 female college students will be sexually assaulted by the time they graduate.
But sexual assault is pervasive despite the conversations many parents have had with their daughters. It seems that the βdonβt get rapedβ angle is not a successful strategy for curbing this pandemic. In fact, it is counter-productive as it perpetuates a culture where men donβt feel the need to take responsibility.
Fortunately, you do have the tools to curb these crimes. You CAN help to protect your daughter and other young women like her.
And you can do it from your living room.
All you have to do is talk to your son.
What you do think about this letter? Have you talked to your sons about sexual assault?