Reader Confession: The Ping Pong Ball Story

I am writing this article ANONYMOUSLY. Some of my friends follow Mum’s Lounge and I really don’t need all of them to know just what an idiot I can be. At times. Although some of them already know this story which I have occasionally told, after quite a few glasses of wine.

A few years ago my husband and I were down in our shed and decided to play a game of ping pong. It was hot and being silly we decided to play….naked. As you do. And I was in hysterics watching my husband’s junk fly around as he ducked and weaved returning the shots.

The problem? I had nowhere to store the spare balls. I thought of something “hilarious“ I could do. I waited for him to turn his back and I popped one of those balls umm, inside me. You know, just like the girls in Thailand do! Right? That’s a thing. I know it is because I’ve got loads of friends who’ve been to Thailand and gone and see these girls in action. They fling those balls back out at rocket speed shooting them across the bars along with other party tricks like smoking cigarettes, popping out live gold fish and all sorts of other stuff (I believe piercing balloons with a dart is also popular).

It was going to be so funny watching his face when I just shot that ball out into my hand next time it was my serve. Yep.

Only, I am not a girl from Thailand. I did not practice any such skills beforehand. I do not have the muscle power that they possess. My attempt at shooting it out? Massive, MASSIVE fail. Nothing. Happened.

At all.

Damn. Well, OK then this is embarrassing. Guess I will just fish it out with my fingers. You know what happens to a wet, slippery ping pong ball that weighs absolutely nothing? It spins. It is impossible to grab a-hold of. It had no string. It had no weight. Oh. My. God.

Thoughts of a visit to the emergency room to explain that I needed a ping pong ball removed from my vagina sent me into a panic attack. A massive panic attack. My heart was racing, I started to cry. My husband was bent over backwards absolutely PISSING himself laughing.

He hustled me into the house, told me to lie on the bed, retrieved a flash light. And……..a spoon. And within 15 seconds had that sucker out. I have never been so relieved in my entire life. I must have thanked him 100 times for “saving” me.

But then……I went to work the next day. I couldn’t not share this embarrassing yet funny tale with my best friend so I sat at my desk, typed out an email and pressed send. What happened then?

“Your email has been blocked by the IT department for profanity”.

What????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO………………….

Cue Panic Attack Number Two. I quickly re-read what I had written. There was not one word of profanity to be found, nor had I used the word vagina at any stage. I had a friend who was dating a guy in the IT department and she had told me that these ‘blocked’ emails get read. Taking a risk, I confessed what I had done to my friend, begged her to tell her boyfriend to delete it without reading it (yeah, right) and was never, ever able to look him in the face again for the remainder of the time I worked there.

The lesson? Never shove something up your hoo-ha you aren’t positive you will be able to retrieve and know your pelvic floor strength people.