A single mum has found herself at the centre of a parenting dispute with her ex-partner over whether or not her 8-year-old should be allowed to attend the first ultrasound of her dad’s pregnant partner. Wanting to include his daughter in the excitement of expecting a new sibling, the dad plans to take his daughter along to all of his partner’s pregnancy related appointments. However, his ex has concerns over this. For one, she doesn’t think it is appropriate for her child to miss school to attend these appointments, and two, she is concerned that these types of appointments aren’t always good news for expectant parents, and she doesn’t think her child needs to be there to witness any complications. What do you think?

I, 32 F, have been split from my daughter (8F) dad (31M) for over 7 years. We split when she was almost a year old, and have finally become amicable with one another about co-parenting. A month or so ago, his fiancé (21F) announced she was pregnant. My daughter was thrilled to have a new sibling on the way, as I have made the decision to not have any more. Our custody arrangement is currently every other weekend, but for the most part if he asks to take her for something, I have no problem with that. It is not often reciprocated, but that’s a whole other topic for another time.

Now on to the issue…her step-mom’s first baby appointment is next week. Her dad asked if he could pull our daughter from school to take her with, so she could “see what the process is like.” I said no, I didn’t think it was appropriate, and that if he wanted to take her to the gender appointment, that was fine, but with this being the initial one, and them just checking to see how far along, how mom and baby are doing, etc, I didn’t feel that was something she needed to miss school for. He then told me I was being controlling and a jealous b**** because I’m not having any more, and I’m keeping our daughter from seeing the miracle of life happen, along with the process of how pregnancy works. He then went on to say he wanted her to come to every appointment, not just the initial one and that it’s his daughter to, and he gets a say on what she is exposed to as well.

I again voiced that I understand where he is coming from, but she is also 8 years old, and doesn’t need to be at every single appointment, and again, if she wanted to go to the gender ultrasound, that was completely fine with me. She still has school, and doesn’t need to be missing it for these appointments.

She has been beginning to ask questions about sex and where babies come from, which I’ve done my best to answer honestly, but with 8 year old answers given, and she knows about periods and that there is different anatomies that when put together create life. However, I just don’t feel she needs to be missing school to attend her step mom’s doctor appointments.

My friends are torn–some say I should just let her go and not be holding her as a pawn. Others side with me and think it’s a little strange, and that she doesn’t need to be at every single one, even the initial one.

So, AITAH?

Commenters agreed that it was possible that the couple could miscarry at this early stage, and having a child of 8 years old in the room wasn’t appropriate. Aside from that, the doctor may need to ask private questions that a child of her age didn’t need to be privy to.

Yikes. The biggest reason to not take a child to these early OB appointments is because there’s still such a high chance of miscarriage. There’s absolutely no reason to put an 8 year old in a situation where she’s potentially going to witness that tragic news.

Let her keep some ultrasound pics. Take a video of the heartbeat if OB allows it. Involve her that way.

And sure bring her along to the 20week anatomy scan!

NTA (Ready_Tank_7463)

Exactly. I was at a routine pregnancy appointment once when I found out I’d lost my baby. Everything had been great up until then, and I was past the usual miscarriage risk (in my second trimester). I was so grateful I didn’t have my kids with me.

Aside from that. It’s a dr appointment! They may talk or ask about things that you won’t want to discuss in front of an 8yo. It’s one thing to have a 2-3yo with you because you don’t have a babysitter. It’s super irresponsible to take your child out of school for a medical exam like this. (Engineer-Huge)

NTA
There are a lot of appointments for pregnant women and while it might be cool for her to follow the process, it’s not appropriate for her to miss school that much for it.
Dad and step mom can keep her updated on the progress and what the dr says, but she doesn’t need to be at the appointment.

Not to mention if she’s there and it turns out there is something wrong with the pregnancy. She doesn’t need to find that out first hand and they don’t need to worry about making sure she understands what the dr is saying if there is a problem.

you say you’re usually accommodating when they want to take her somewhere on your time. If that’s true, I don’t think you’re “using her as a pawn” at all. I think you’re doing just fine. . (MoonChild1898)

Others pointed out that early ultrasounds could insome cases be more invasive than merely rubbing a lubricated wand on the outside of the abdomen.

Plus, the new girlfriend might have a wand with a condom on shoved up her vagina. (TarzanKitty)

An ultrasound technician even weighed in on the discussion pointing out that young children often lose interest in the grainy ultrasound images very quickly as they are too abstract for them to make out properly.

As an ultrasound tech in an OB office, thank you. These appointments and ultrasounds are not for entertainment. They are medical exams with potential for devastating news. Plus kids are interested in the scans for about three seconds and then lose interest, it’s too abstract. (hyperpensive)

Finally, a sex educator also shared their opinion on whether an obgyn appointment was an appropriate place for a young child to be.

I’m a sex educator. I believe passionately in the importance of teaching kids about human sexuality in age-appropriate ways from the get-go, starting with teaching toddlers correct names for their body parts and that no one has the right to touch any part of their body without their consent. But you roll out information in an age-appropriate progression. He wants to skip past a lot of information that’s far more relevant for her right now. Her job at this age is school. Whereas learning all the details of pregnancy medical care can absolutely wait, and do not take priority for now over reading, writing, arithmetic, social studies, science, and learning about puberty. She does not need to know at age 8 about transvaginal ultrasound. All that’s likely to do is make her unnecessarily scared of doing her first ob-gyn exam in a couple years. Many women will go their whole lives without a transvaginal ultrasound, so it is not essential to know about at this age. It’s one of the most invasive things a woman will ever experience in a gyn’s office, so he’s way off base to think this is a good intro point.

This is the age for her to learn that bodies change at certain times in life, and that one of those times is called puberty and is coming soon for her. Talk with her about what that will be like, and why bodies do that, and how boys’ bodies change too. That’s age-appropriate sex education. Not the nitty gritty details of a pregnancy, which is info she’s hopefully years away from needing.

Part of the conversation can be that pregnancy is another time in a woman’s life when different changes happen to the body. But she still doesn’t need to take time off from school, let alone go to a doctor’s office, to learn about that. Hasn’t he ever heard of books?? NTA. (SearchApprehensive35)

What do you think? Is this mum right to stand her ground and refuse to allow her child to go to these ultrasound appointments? Should she allow her daughter to go to a later scan when they find out the baby’s sex, or should all appointments be off the table?