One man has turned to the internet for advice after finding himself in a very bizarre situation with his wife. Having welcomed their baby daughter into the world 3 weeks ago the couple found themselves locked in conflict over whose surname to give their child. The woman, who has a son by her previous relationship, wants her daughter to have her dead ex-partner’s surname like her brother. Despite proposing various compromises and acceptable alternatives, the man found that his wife was unwilling to change her mind – and even went as far as to label him manipulative when he got upset over the situation.

My wife and I had difficulties in conceiving due to an accident I had when I as younger. After three years we finally had our daughter three weeks ago. Baby and mum are home and healthy, but I have been on the couch due to an issue over the surname.

My wife was previously in a long-term relationship with her ex who committed suicide due to mental health issues after he returned from service abroad. Her son from her first relationship lives with us and is twelve in a months time. Her son has her exes surname. She wants our baby to have her exes surname (she still goes by that name) so that her son doesn’t feel left out from his new sibling and future siblings, and because he had a better name than mine. I tried to compromise by saying since I practically raised her son he can have my surname, that way he won’t feel left out, and she can take my name too. She said no as he has had his name all his life and shouldn’t have to change it to appease me.

I tried to explain that they have two separate fathers so it’s natural that they have different names. I suggested she use her maiden surname and hyphenate it with mine for our baby and she can hyphenate her maiden name with her exes for her son, that way the siblings will have almost the same name. That was turned down too.

We have to register the baby’s name next Thursday. I told her that we should probably gets couples therapy and in the meantime register her with my name. She turned that down too and said she went through the trouble of carrying her and pushing her out, and she should get to decide this on her own.

I even asked her son and he said he doesn’t mind having separate names as he knows his father was his father but I am dad. He doesn’t care if his sister has a different surname. I told my wife this and she said I am emotionally manipulating her son.

We had an argument five days ago and haven’t spoken much. I didn’t want it to continue like this as this should be our happy moments. Two days ago I told her that the baby either gets my surname or we are getting a divorce. I told her that perhaps her dead husband could help raise our daughter with her since she doesn’t want to acknowledge me as the dad. She called me a manipulator and says it’s not fair that she doesn’t get to decide the baby’s first name on her own or the surname (her suggestions for the first name when she was pregnant were feminine versions of her exes name, think Alexis, Alexia, Alexandra for Alexander, and his actual name if we had had a boy).

Today I called a solicitor and she overheard. She is telling me that I am forcing her into a corner with this name thing even though we went with her choice of first name after I sifted out the ones similar to her exes. and my choice as a middle name.

I just want some outside opinions on whether I am doing the right thing. Like what am I doing with life anymore. It’s so messed up.

People in the comments section were rightly outraged on the new dad’s behalf.

Nta

Her behaviour is absolutely ridiculous and unreasonable. I would consider divorce too, can’t blame you.

NTA. Your wife is being ridiculous. And it’s insulting to you and the family you’re building together. I genuinely do not understand her logic here. (pAd7154)

Some people thought that the man had been more than fair in trying to reach a compromise with his wife.

What in the hell….? First off, I commend you for your numerous attempts to compromise. You have been MORE THAN fair, understanding, patient, etc.

Second, this is YOUR child too!! She doesn’t have more of a “claim” on your daughter.

Third, your wife has control issues. The whole MY baby, MY son, – damn. Was it her little swimmer that fertilized the egg??? Has she always been like this? Did this ever come up ( the surname thing) before the baby was born?

Definitely NTA. (Successful_Wish3510)

Others thought that not only was her expectation that her husband should allow his daughter to be named after another man strange and disrespectful, it also pointed to deeper issues.

NTA. She is stuck on her ex husband. She is not over him. She is manipulating you. Whatever she has going on it seems she has not fully committed to your relationship and these things will continue to happen.

Either she acknowledges that what she is asking is ridiculous, the child is not the child of her son’s father. What she is asking is very hurtful to you as you are the father. It seems she would rather have had HIM as the father and that is very disrespectful.

Let her understand that you are serious about your decision and it doesn’t seem too much at this point. Naming my child some other person’s first and last name, is a deal breaker and really weird and strange. (Lucky_Log2212)

NTA, it’s weird that she wants to give your daughter her dead ex’s last name. It also sounds like she has unresolved issues with his death that she isn’t dealing with very well. She needs therapy. (theworldisonfire8377)

She wanted to outright name your kid after her dead husband???

No, absolutely not at all. Hard no.

She’s not moved forward emotionally from this man, you will always be living in his shadow. Leave. Find out what rights you have regarding your stepson, but leave. This isn’t a healthy relationship at all, she needs help. (JudyMcjudgerson)

Whilst many people suggested that his wife needed therapy to deal with her unresolved grief, others counselled him to cut his losses and get out of the marriage.

NTA.

Your wife wants your child to take her exes last name.

That’s the most outrageous thing I’ve ever heard.

I mean if it were her maiden name, sure, much to discuss.

But buddy, you might want to keep that solicitor on speed dial.

And maybe start looking into some custody rights. (eeeeeeeeEeeEEeeeE6)

What do you think? What would you do in this man’s position?