People Share the Funniest Things a Doctor Has Said to Them

Depending on the nature of your ailment, going to the doctors can range from a mild nuisance, to downright terrifying or mortifyingly embarrassing. Due to the nature of their profession, doctors can often come across as quite serious characters, so when they do crack an unexpected joke, it can seem all the more funny.

This week on Reddit people share the funniest things their doctor has said, and we’ve picked ut some of the best ones to share with you.

My wife and I had our child late in life, and knew we were going to be one and done, so a vasectomy was gonna happen. Where I live, you need a Dr’s referral to get one.

Coincidentally, my appointment to get said referral was the same week that I started my paternal leave.

At my appointment, Doc walks into the room and says “You’ve been on pat leave for 2 days, and you already want a vasectomy!?!” (phil_in_t_blank)

My husband had an enormous inguinal hernia (a hernia that goes into the testicle). When his doctor saw it, he actually dropped his professionalism and blurred out, “Oh my god, what is that??” Which is funny now but at the time was a little bit disconcerting. (SoldMySoulForHairDye)

I smashed my left pinky toe into a door frame, hurt like a mother. Went and got it X-rayed and yep, fractured. A month later I’m at a routine podiatrist visit and my toe is swollen, purple and the toenail is black. I’m explaining to the doc that I fractured it. He looks closely at my mangled little piggy and says seriously, “Yeah, you’re going to lose that toe.”

What??!!! In about 3 seconds I went through shock of losing a toe, acceptance of losing a toe and determination to continue living without a toe when the doctor says…

“Sorry, I mean toeNAIL. You’re going to lose that toenail.”

Gah! (DadsRGR8)

I had a conversation with a new shrink when I was 12.

“Do kids ever bully you?” He asked.

“Sometimes.”, I responded.

“About your nose?”, he said.

“…No.”, I replied.

That was when I found out I have a big nose. (GrizzlamicBearrorism)

I was out of a coma for a few days, the doctor asked my name, where am I etc. then told me “you were shit on toast when you first got here” thanks doc, that makes me feel better. (FunUse244)

Mine had given me a prescription for one Valium to take on the day of the procedure [vasectomy]if I was feeling nervous. So I was there in the room, no pants, the doctor comes in and asks “Did you end up taking that Valium?”

I hadn’t, so I said “No.”

He shoots back with, “That’s okay. I took enough for both of us.” (Pitbullpandemonium)

When my husband went for his he joked with the doctor, “just take an inch or so off the top” and the doctor said “I won’t do that to you, you won’t have any left” (averyyoungperson)

First OBGYN appointment for my wife when she was pregnant with our first the doctor looks at me and goes “Did you do this to her?”. “Yes”. “Bad boy, now be quiet”. Fun way to break the ice. (zerbey)

When my husband had his we have a few gold ones:

1. when he was signing the consent forms, the nurse said “and are you sure you want to sign your balls to us?”
2. the doctor kept referring to the tube he was gonna cut as the “love spaghetti” 😂
3. after the doctor explained everything, he asked my husband to get undressed from the waist down and went “hold on let me step out and get my pants off too”
4. the doctor looked at me straight face and said “you wanna cut his little love spaghetti?” 😂 (Kit-Kat1319)

I’m a 43 year old male. Doctor walked in real fast, head down went straight to the sink to wash his hands. Said I have “great news” while washing his hands. “You’re pregnant”. Turned around, looked at me and said out loud, “fuck me, wrong person.” (lifeless_clown)

Taking son into respiratory clinic to get tested for asthma and he was worried about shots.

I said to the doctor: “no shots today right?”.

Without missing a beat he goes: “Not for him but I could probably rustle up a couple of glasses and some tequila”.

We had never been to this doctor before but he was awesome. (Yoki_au)

I was in the middle of getting a gyno exam, the Doc asked what type of birth control I used. I said “I’m lesbian”, Doc says “that has proven to be effective.” (Smart-Cry9039)

Me, with red curly hair at the obgyn

“Your hair is so pretty! Is it natural?”

“The color or the curl?”

“I’ll find out about the color in a minute”

We both died laughing. She didn’t mean to say it, but omg it was hilarious. So sad she retired. (Meshugugget)

The doctor was preparing me for a prostate examination and said:

“This procedure can sometimes cause an erection’

Me: ‘Oh, I think that’s unlikely, it’s never happened to me before’

Him: ‘Not you, me!’

He was a joker alright. (rcfvlw1925)

This is my misunderstanding of what the doctor was trying to have me do.

He said hold your breasts, so I did. He said no hold your breasts. I was young and not sure what type of exam this was so I was moving them in different ways to try to I guess position them the way he wanted and he then said HOLD YOUR BREATH.

I passed away that day. (Informal-east5515)

Due to a certain health issue I drink a lot of water, so I naturally brought a water bottle to this appointment. End of the appointment and he can’t figure out what’s wrong but is apologetic about that and sends me for more testing as well as a referral.

So I’m getting up to leave, forget my water bottle and he simply says, “Young lady, you forgot your vodka!”

I’ve seen way too many doctors and heard many WILD things but the way he listened and was respectful followed by this super casual off hand joke destroyed me. (Jessthemess1284)

I had a GP who was a bit of a jokester, and he was booked to remove a mole from my back. When I got there, he told me he was very sorry, but they were out of anaesthetic. The nurse told him off! Then he said ‘nah, kidding – we have heaps. We get the cheap stuff from China,.’ (SereniaKat)

It was an anesthesiologist; he said “here come the pina coladas!” as he administered the gas (_G0LD)

My doctor years ago was doing the old fashioned digit rectal exam. In agony I said “Damn, I can’t believe some people enjoy this!”

He said “It ain’t no picnic for me either.” (valentine-m-smith)