Kids really do say the funniest things sometimes. The problem is that if you are a teacher and in a position of authority, it can be difficult to remain professional and keep a straight face when the funny things they say are inappropriate.

Whilst, as a parent, it can be mortifying to get the call from the school to say that your child is in trouble for saying something that they shouldn’t have, it’s also comforting to know that their teacher, and possibly the rest of the teaching staff had a good laugh about it later.

Here’s some of the funniest things teachers of Reddit report students saying in their classroom.

Not me but my fiancé.

She’s a really great teacher but was having trouble with this one class. One of the students asked her,

“Mrs Teacher, do you have any kids?”

Fiancé: “Oh God no!”

Kid: “That might be for the best” (timidtiger64)

I teach Pre-K. The kids were out at recess and one was riding a bike wearing his helmet, as he should. One of my girls walked by and hit him over the head with our plastic baseball bat. I asked her why she did that. She replied “Eh, he has a helmet on”. I had to turn away and snort before telling her it wasn’t OK to hit anyone, even if they have a helmet. (FaceofBeaux)

“Hey, Miss. Will you touch my weeeeenus?”

*standing there in silent shock*

*student slowly bends elbow and points to it*

“Weenus.”

This was the day I learned what a weenus is; apparently, they had just come from biology. Ended up not really formally punishing the kid (it was, in fact, a weenus), but I did need a minute to control the laughter before I could teach again. We had a conversation about what appropriateness and context are after class. (HeyAnnieAreYouOK)

This was from a friend teaching 2nd grade:

Kid: Miss O! There’s a bad word written in the bathroom!

Teacher: What’s the word?

Kid: It’s so bad. I can’t tell you.

Teacher: It’s okay, you can tell the teacher.

Kid: oh no, I can’t say that word! But I’ll give you a hint. It starts with ‘S’ and rhymes with ‘fuck.’

Teacher: … (LizzyLizAh)

I am a teacher, but the funniest punishment I know of was not for one of my students, it was for my son.

My son is the quietest kid I have ever met. He gets extremely anxious. When he was 4, his grandfather died unexpectedly and he got even quieter. For years, he did not generally talk with schoolmates or ever ask adults, besides me, for help.

I had to explain this to his new teachers every year. By the time he was eight, it was routine to go to parent teacher conferences and have teachers share he was a good student, but they wished he would talk more.

I went to a conference with his second grade teacher and she said, “I need to tell you, [your son] got in trouble for talking to friends in class today. I asked him to stop and he still disrupted the class, so I had to put his name on the board. When you get home, will you tell him how proud I am of him and give him a high five?”

We had one of the best times ever at family dinner that night… (ganhadagirl)

This is more of something a student did. About a month ago I hear a kid yelling “my eyes are burning”. I ask him what’s wrong and he says that another kid sprayed him with something. I go to that kid and he hands me a bottle of Warhead spray candy and says “it’s just water”. When I told him that water doesn’t burn eyes he replies with “well I did put salt in it.” (BrentTX87)

Teaching first grade and a kid came up to me and said “Miss, E just said something bad” So I walk over to E and ask if he said something inappropriate. He shrugs, looks sheepish and says “I said cows have big boobies”.

I literally paused with my mouth open, was not expecting that one… (Caouenn)

I taught literacy for an after-school program (K-6) and it seemed like those kids had too many funny but inappropriate moments. One of my favorites:

“C’mon bitches! “ first grade girl to her classmates as they walk down the hall. (z090_090z)

Not a teacher, but my mom is. At a private Catholic elementary school during mass, a 4th grade boy was giving the Sign of Peace (shakings hands with those around him and saying “Peace” or “Peace be with you”) and instead of saying “Peace” he was muttering “penis” under his breath.

He got a detention but she said it was pretty funny and they all laughed about it later. (sharplky)

I was covering for a teacher named Cathy (late in her pregnancy and due for maternity any time) who had just stepped out for a few minutes.

While I was sitting next to this one 6 year old (Wiley) we noticed that one bench among all of the others was deformed in its construction:

Wiley: “Woah… what happened to this bench?”

Me: “Hmmm. I don’t know Wiley. What do you think happened to this bench?” (hoping he’ll see the difference in construction)

Wiley: “Hmmm…It probably broke because Cathy sat on it since she gained a looooooooooot of weight.”

Me: “…” (Dlatrex)

I had recess duty a few years ago. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right after her and said “She called me the b-word.” When I asked the second student if she called the first student the b-word, she turned to the first one and said “Motherfucker doesn’t start with a b.”

I managed to turn my laugh into a cough, but yeah no more recess for her that day. (mskrabapel)

I worked watching kids at recess and had a Kindergartner come up and tell me that Johnny said the c-word. I was extremely concerned because omg how did they even learn that word??? Crap. The c-word was crap … (melodymoods)

My mom was an elementary teacher and always had a few good ones share. One that stands out in my head is a story about a bus ride on a field trip. Her 2nd grade students started playing some music. At one point, they started singing along and my mom got really excited because they were spelling. “They’re spelling! That’s so great!”

It took her a moment to realize what they were spelling.

An entire bus filled with seven and eight-year-olds was rolling down the road with about 40 little voices singing, “Cuz I’m a motherfuckin P – I – M – P!” (littledetours)

I actually didn’t punish this kid though I was supposed to, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

So, whenever my high schoolers whine about something I say “Into every life a little rain must fall…” which is my polite (and deliberately annoying) way of saying suck it up.

By the end of the year, they’re so used to it that all I have to do is say “Into every life…” and they roll their eyes and grumble but at least they stop complaining.

Well, one day a kid comes in my room and he’s already complaining about something that hasn’t even happened yet. So I say “Into every life…”

And he says “A little rain must fall, I know. But Mrs Dannicalliope, it’s a f*ng thunderstorm right now.” (dannicalliope)

[

Not a teacher… my 10 year old son was hit in the face by a girl and instead of physical retaliation (boys don’t hit girls), he asked her if she “scraped her knees when she crawled out of Hell.” Hard to keep a straight face in that Parent-Teacher meeting! (deleted)

Kid was doodling on the whiteboard at the front of the class and I told him to cut it out because he was going to waste the marker (it was the end of the year and I didn’t want to have to buy more). He grins and then says “But it’s just the tip!” And then another student yelled out “That’s what she said!” I tried so hard to keep a straight face and failed so badly. (deleted)

Taught Speech (public speaking) class. While giving an informational speech on Vikings (students got to choose their own topic), an 11th grade student gave the following transition:

When it came to raiding coastal cities, the Vikings, much like an over-eager or inexperienced lover, came quickly and unexpectedly.

It was delivered with the perfect comedic timing, a total dead-pan tone, and impeccable poise. I braced myself immediately to keep from laughing and felt every student eye turn to me in dead silence (it was a very conservative school and students were looking to me to see if it was alright to laugh). I broke out in a sweat trying to hold back, but was successful.

I had to dock the student 10% for “inappropriate language,” but considering he still got an 85% or so, we both agreed it was worth it. (w103jtf)

I teach reproduction and I asked my students “what is the function of fructose in the seminal fluid?” and my female student said “Flavor”

I didn’t punish her because she could have been sincere but it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard and I will use any excuse to share it. (MKUltra16)

I was explaining what “die-hard” meant to a class in relation to sports. This was a big Rugby Union school in Sydney. Explained that we were really passionate and that if our team won we’d be happy or if they lost we would be sad. Kid asks “What team do you follow sir?” I answer “The Waratahs” (I do love them but their 2017 season was awful). Without skipping a beat the kid turns around and just goes “You must be pretty fucking miserable then sir.” As a teacher I had to tell him off, internally though I appreciated the comment and how quickly he came up with it. (PainlessTruth)

[HS History Teacher] I was walking around helping my students with a short writing assignment about the Opium Wars. A student spelled “addicted” as “adicted”. I told him, “You need another d. Addicted has a double d.” To which he exclaimed, “Yeah, Mr. G, I’m addicted to double d’s too.” (hwanggeumnam)

Kid told me “whatever Mr. Uneven-sideburns” I went over to the mirror and he was right, (so I didn’t punish) (mazdarx2001)

I worked at an after school tuition center thing, and I was in charge of the 6th graders. There was this pretty chubby kid that constantly got teased and one day he sat on a chair and one of the metal legs gave out and bent.

The smartass kid, without even hesitating, said: “Dude, it’s Avatar the last airbender, not the last chairbender”

Class erupted into laughter and I had to hold back my own while I yelled at him in front of the class lmao (SummerCumLauder)

While we were sex ed we were showing kids how to put a condom on this model penis and this kid goes, my mum has one of those and I just broke down. (st_ols)

Has your child ever been in trouble at school for saying something inappropriate but also secretly hilarious?