Written by Christina Corcoran

Today was a snow day. In the US this means kids stay home with no school work, but in our post-Covid world when they run out of snow days they have to work from home, kind of like their father.

I had lofty aspirations. I thought I’d work on this story while they complete their work. I only had time to write the title before shit hit the fan.

My third grader was struggling to understand a math problem. Each rectangle appears the same size but has different areas, why? Now, I’m not a math girl, but I could clearly see that one had more rows and columns than the other. But she insisted they were not equal in size. It was an optical illusion because of how they were positioned on the sheet. I begged her to just assume they were equal, but she wasn’t having it.

Meanwhile my first grader was learning about local government. After a brief description of a judge, mayor, police officer, and city council member, it asked, what do you want to be when you grow up and why? I assumed she had to pick one of the four government jobs but she thought she should answer it with what she actually wants to be. Not knowing what to do with this discrepancy, she panicked and refused to write an answer until I messaged her teacher for clarification.

Perfectionism shows up differently in everyone, but the underlying emotion is fear. Fear of disappointing themselves or others. Fear of appearing inadequate. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of failing. This fear paints their world in black and white, all-or-nothing, right or wrong.

Signs of Perfectionism

• Consistently self critical
• Refuses to try something if they suspect they’ll do it wrong
• Quick to shut down and/or give up when something goes wrong or is too hard
• Unwilling to acknowledge their hard work or minimises their accomplishments

From as early as age two, my first born was routinely beating herself up for the tiniest missteps. I thought it was a developmental phase, but instead of growing out of it, her meltdowns got more intense. By the time she was five, I realised it was perfectionism. Suddenly I had to face my own tendencies to self doubt, procrastinate, dwell on my faults, and overreact to mistakes.

Like most personality traits, perfectionism is built on habits that start from an early age. We operate on autopilot, stuck in a cycle of setting unrealistic goals (to do things perfectly and make it appear effortless), failing to reach them, then shaming ourselves for failing.

The P Word

Once I became aware of how this trait negatively affects us, I started reminding them that perfection isn’t the goal. Over time the word perfect became the P word. My youngest won’t let anyone use it, even if something actually is perfect. Now, the P word was trying to ruin our snow day. Time to put down my laptop and put out fires.

Starting with the rectangle problem, I said, “I understand your frustration, but we have to let that detail go and tackle the real point of the problem – do you know how to compute areas?… Yes? Great, do that.” This is the practice of good enough. In a perfect world, it would be more obvious that the rectangles are of equal size, but we can’t always get perfect. Moving on to my youngest, I knew she was half listening to what I just told her sister, so I said, “Look I get why you are scared to make a choice, but your teacher isn’t going to be upset with either option.” She needed permission to let go without fear of letting someone down with a ‘wrong’ answer.

Modelling Less Perfection and More Compassion

You can say all the right things, but what you do when things go wrong has to match what you tell your kids. Next time you mess up, let them see your frustration, but follow it up with some self-compassion. This means giving yourself grace and support, just like you would a good friend. You’re going to blunder. Humans aren’t meant to be perfect. Life hits you with curve balls and you can’t let them stop you.

I’ve been practicing and modeling self-compassion for several years and my kids and I have become more flexible and resilient but today was a ‘perfect’ example of how strong these mental habits are. Trust in yourself and the process.

Christina Corcoran is a writer, specialising in the field of perfectionism. She lives in the US with her husband and two daughters. Currently she is working on her debut nonfiction book about perfectionism and early intervention. She is passionate about helping families navigate this common, but often misunderstood personality trait. When she isn’t busy writing or doing typical mum things, she enjoys gardening (until the chipmunks dig up her plants), cooking (not baking, let’s be clear on that), and reading (an actual book made of paper). You can follow her on Instagram and Facebook and learn more at www.christinacorcoran.com