Why Mother’s Day Leaves a Gaping Hole in My Heart

I dread Mother’s Day, and it’s not for the reason that you may think.
You see, to a mother of two school-aged kids Mother’s Day can be exciting, I love listening to their whispers the week before about the “present” they have been working on. It is all a little sweet.
But and this is a HUGE but, I am estranged from my own mother. I have seen her twice in the last four years and she has seen one of my children once during this time. Most days I am ok with the situation, I mean I was the one to cut off contact. But on Mother’s Day I just feel sad/hurt/angry and sad again.
You see my mother and I had a rough start to our relationship. She almost died while having me and was very sick. She never bonded with me. She was married to a man she didn’t like and she was young. NOW I will promise that those are the only excuses I will make for her behaviour. So not only did we not bond but I am sure now that she had Post-Partum Psychosis, well that is what I let myself believe as I cannot justify her actions any other way. You see from about 8 weeks of age she started to do unfathomable things to me. She did things to me that no mother should ever do to a child.

Read: Breaking the Cycle: Not all Mums Are Good Mums
Which is why Mother’s Day hurts so much, It brings up a shitload of issues that I once again have to deal with. I cannot sit in kindy and let my child paint my nails without bursting into tears. I cannot handle the joy on her face when she presents me the gift that she has been working so hard on, because I am honestly just consumed by hurt. I look at her and think ‘Who was there for me? Who sat across that table and let me paint their nails?’

I look around at assembly watching all of the adult women sitting with their mothers and get reminded again as the seat next to me is always empty.
Who advocated for me when I was being bullied at school? Who made sure that I didn’t get nits? Or got rid of them if I did? Who was my person? A huge part of me struggles with the fact that I just flat-out missed out. Years of therapy have helped but I don’t think I will ever stop dreaming about the mum I wished I had.
And before you get your knickers in a twist, I 100% love my kids. They are literally the reason that I get out of bed really freaking early every morning. But the years have taught me that it is ok to have these feelings, although being estranged from a parent does not compare to grieving a lost parent, it still hurts. You still have a huge hole in your heart that just won’t close up.
My only words of advice are try your best to make the day about you and your kids. Celebrate your awesomeness and treat yourself like the QUEEN that you are for the day. Because hey you deserve it! And hey, if you have a spare five mins call a friend who you know is missing their mum and just tell them how fabulous you think they are x