Ask Eliza – “I Caught My Husband Photocopying My Personal Diary!”

Dear Eliza,

I caught my husband of five years trying to return my diary to my special hiding place and confronted him about it. Turns out he’s been reading it every chance he gets for three years. 

We had a big fight because I feel like it is a huge breach of trust and an invasion of my privacy but he doesn’t seem to care. He said that at first, he was worried about me so he thought he’d “look for clues” in my diary! Then he told me how addictive it was, and that he couldn’t break the habit.

It gets worse – he has photocopied pages out of my diary and put them in a binder! And put circles and question marks around things like when I’ve described a lunch date with my sister! He has even made notes suggesting that he doesn’t trust me.

I feel very hurt and betrayed. I’m struggling to get over this and need some help. He remains unapologetic and believes he’s done nothing wrong, he was just looking out for me. He says that a husband and wife shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. He believes he has a right to look at it.

I feel like I’m over-reacting but I’ve kept a diary since I was a teen and it’s one of the last things that’s just for me and me alone. I’ve already given up my job and other hobbies outside the home – he wants me to focus on looking after our toddler and nothing else. I feel devastated that this last simple pleasure has been taken from me.

What do I do?

{name withheld, Liverpool, NSW}

Oh honey, this does not sound good. If this is one of the last things that you have that is only for you, it sounds as though he’s settling you into an abusive relationship without you even realising it. You’ve already given up your other hobbies to please him? That is not a good sign.

I want to make it clear that you have done nothing wrong here.

I would be horrified if my partner (or anyone else!) read my diary. That shit is for my eyes only. Think of all the secrets they know now. Deepest, darkest thoughts that you weren’t expecting to be read by anyone else. All that personal information could potentially be used against you now. I can well understand how devastated you must feel. What a breach of trust!

The other thing you need to think of is that if he is capable of reading your diary, he may have other trackers on you as well. He clearly isn’t happy with your word and needs the reassurance that you are where you say you are. Search your phone for any hidden tracking apps and check your computer for a key logger. Go through your handbag looking for anything that appears unusual – GPS locators come in all sorts of designs and can look like a simple plastic keyring.

This might be just a case of boredom; of a man who has discovered something secret and interesting about his wife that he cannot give up. Or it might be something more sinister than that. Only you can decide which it is, and by the sounds of your email, I think you already know. This guy doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Good luck.

PS, delete your browser history immediately.