Ask Eliza – “My Daughter Went to a Sleepover but Her Friend’s Mum Broke the Mum Code Bigtime.”

Dear Eliza,

I am just wanting some advice please. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting here or not. My ten year old daughter went to a sleepover at a new friend’s house, and after having a cup of tea and chatting with the mum for half an hour to make sure I was comfortable with my daughter staying over, I hugged my child and left. The next day after she was dropped back off at 5pm, my daughter told me that as soon as I had left, the mum grabbed my daughter’s things, packed everyone in the car and left to stay the night at her boyfriend’s dad’s house 45 minutes away in the city.

I was livid. She had clearly planned to preoccupy her daughter with a friend while she spent the night with her boyfriend. At no time did she ask me if it was okay, and at no time did she indicate that this was part of the plan. And we were chatting comfortably for a long time beforehand so she had plenty of time to tell me. 

She completely broke Mum Code on this one, and I am so angry. My daughter is fine. Nothing happened, and she is showing no signs of distress after the night away. But I can’t shake the feelings of dread that I have. I can’t believe that mother would do that thinking it would be okay with me.

I have learnt my lesson and will not allow my daughter to have any sleepovers with friends apart from her very best friend who we have known since preschool. This mother has no idea that I’m upset about it, and for all she knows, our girls had a lovely time and this will happen again. Over my dead body will this happen again!!

Should I confront this woman? Am I overreacting? I would love to hear what you and your readers think. 

{Rebecca, Windsor, NSW}

Thanks for your email, Rebecca. I can well understand your anger. I’d be horrified if this had happened to my child. Imagine her sleeping somewhere strange, knowing that you had no idea where she was!

This woman definitely had this little overnight stay planned all along. The fact that she packed up and left for her booty call immediately after you drove away is a fair sign. And she had to know that you wouldn’t have approved or she would have told you in advance. I think you’re right, she had plenty of opportunity to tell you her plans, but she didn’t. She lied by omission.

It’s hard to believe that a fellow mother of a ten year old daughter would think this was an okay thing to do. We place a lot of trust in other mums (and their family in general) when we accept an invitation to a sleepover, and she absolutely shattered that trust. You can never trust her again.

I wouldn’t say anything to her unless the invitation was extended again, the incident is over and thankfully, with no harm done. But if she rings or texts asking if your daughter would like to sleepover a second time, give it to her with both barrels.

Explain exactly why this will never happen again. You need to describe how shocked and angry you are that she took your daughter to sleep at someone else’s house without your permission, how that is not acceptable under any circumstances and that you would never have approved.

Tell her that you know she had always intended on taking her into the city, and that her behaviour placed your child at risk while sleeping in a strange man’s apartment with his father present. Tell her you don’t care how well she knows and trusts these men, that you personally do not. She disrespectfully took that decision away from you, while only thinking of herself and what she wanted.

As you said, you need to be more careful with sleepovers at friends houses. You placed a lot of trust in this mum, and she didn’t give a shit about you or your child, plain and simple. I think you’ve learnt from it, and you and your daughter are incredibly lucky that nothing life changing occurred. Please, don’t ever be so trusting again.

Best of luck to you both.

What do you think? What advice would you give to our reader?

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