Ask Eliza – “My Best Friend Isn’t Talking to Me Anymore – Is It My Fault?”

Dear Eliza,

Lisa is one of my best friends and she’s been telling me for years about her parent’s fantastic farm out in the country and promising me that she would invite our family (husband and teenage son and daughter) to spend the weekend with them and that invite finally came a couple months ago.

The plan was for myself, my husband, our son and her husband to ride our dirt bikes around the property through the day while she and my daughter rode horses and then we would all cook dinner together and hang around in the evening for drinks and play board games etc.

On the Monday prior to the weekend, my husband told me there was a possibility he would have to work so I let her know. Just one day later she told me that she’s now invited three of her girlfriends she went to uni with to spend the weekend there (as well). I met these women on a girl’s trip to Tasmania last year and had a terrible time. They all seemed to look down their nose at me when they learned I didn’t go to university and barely spoke to me. I asked one of them how long have you been here from England (because she had an English accent) and they all laughed at me because…….she fakes an English accent. WTF.

I KNEW my husband wouldn’t want to spend an entire weekend with them AND the entire dynamic of the weekend had been changed from a cosy gathering for the 6 of us to something entirely different. So I sent her an email saying thanks for the invite but I think we’ll just try for another time as I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t have the greatest time hanging with her friends.

I got back a scathing reply saying how dare he judge her friends before even meeting them! I couldn’t believe it so I wrote back and said that he didn’t judge them at all but that I hadn’t had a very good time with them in Tasmania and I knew that it would just be easier and better for us if we made it another time.

Now she’s not speaking to me at all. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have just sucked it up and went anyway knowing what we were in for?

{‘Confused’, Montmorency, VIC*}

Firstly, you are absolutely correct in saying that your friend changed the dynamic of the entire weekend. There is a world of difference between two couples (and your kids) spending a quiet weekend together doing the activities you had planned, to her inviting (without consulting you) three of her friends. Especially since your daughter would have had to spend her day with four adult women instead of horse riding with Lisa which in itself, is unfair to your daughter.

Secondly, I can see how in your mind you would wonder how the evening would play out too, with such an uneven number of females to males in the mix.

Lisa should have asked you first whether or not you would be okay with her inviting additional people before going ahead and doing it. It sounds like she was desperate to go to the farm come hell or high water!

Having said that, you probably should not have mentioned the fact your husband probably wouldn’t have gotten along with these women whether you knew that to be true or not. It put her on the defensive when clearly she was just trying to make everyone happy. You should have just used the excuse your husband had to work and that would have been the end of it.

In this instance, I think you were both in the wrong but if you want to mend the friendship I think you should be the one to offer an apology first.

Good Luck!