Ask Eliza – “I Still Haven’t Met His Teenage Daughter After a Year of Dating”

Dear Eliza,

I want to know if you and your readers think I am overreacting about this but I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over 12 months and I have never met his 14 year old daughter. I feel like he is ashamed of me or something, and is hiding me away like a mistress. We are in our mid-forties and he has primary custody of his daughter.

He has broken contact with me for a few weeks at a time twice, and when he showed up again he tells me that his daughter made him choose between me or her, and he always chooses her and disappears from my life until she’s over her tantrum. He told me in the beginning that he had a six month rule for meeting his child, which I completely understand and personally agree with, but he refuses to talk about it with me anymore.

I just don’t know if I am blowing this out of proportion or not. Otherwise our relationship is great. He’s a great person and I love him. I can see us having a future together, but it feels like his daughter is pulling the strings.

I have asked him heaps of times for just the three of us to meet but he says she doesn’t want to meet me and that he is working on her. It’s so frustrating but at the same time I want to be understanding. I’m constantly feeling neglected.

What do you think? I’d appreciate any advice, positive or negative.

{name withheld, Adelaide, SA*}

I can see how you would be feeling left out and as though you aren’t good enough. Twelve months is a long time, and plenty of time to have this discussion and get issues like this ironed out.

It isn’t a bad thing that his number one priority is his daughter. But that isn’t a free ticket to treat you like shit and drop all contact at her beck and call. I wouldn’t be putting up with that, not for another minute.

At fourteen, she’s not a little girl anymore, she is old enough to understand that Dad has adult relationships with other women. It sounds to me like she is manipulating this situation for all it is worth, and the zinger is that not only is she good at it, but that it’s working out beautifully for her too.

Honestly, whether your boyfriend hasn’t got the plums to work this shit out or whether he just doesn’t want to makes no difference. If he’s not willing to even discuss something that is clearly upsetting you, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to use these words…

He’s just not that into you.

I mean, I get that it is a delicate situation. Meeting your partner’s children should be handled carefully and with the children’s best interests at heart. But I feel that this is another case entirely. If you’d only been with him for 3 months and he has young children, sure, you need to wait and suck it up. But your situation is very different, and there is really no reason why you couldn’t all meet for a coffee date, even if you have limited contact after that and take it at a pace that would make his daughter comfortable.

But neither of them are willing to do that, and he is more than happy to ditch you for a few weeks just to please her.

I can’t see this working out, I’m sorry. Best of luck with your future.