Ask Eliza – “How Do I Tell My Partner That His Personal Hygiene Is Becoming a Problem?”

Dear Eliza,

My partner and I have been together for just over two years. We do not live together as I have children from a previous relationship and don’t feel it’s right to move him into the family home just yet. We love each other, and things are going well, but I have an issue with his hygiene.

He refuses to wear deodorant, claiming that he doesn’t believe in it. He doesn’t think he needs it and hates the idea of putting chemicals on his skin. In short, he fucking stinks. I don’t know how often he actually showers, but I’m very sure it isn’t every day.

Once we went away for the weekend and he stunk up the bedding so badly that I had to get housekeeping to replace the sheets for our second night. He thinks his natural musk is fine, I do not. It is rank.

Apart from this issue, he is a great guy. Sensitive, caring, good with my kids and loads of fun to be around. But I just can’t get over this hurdle. I’d love to have a future with him, but I can’t stand the way he smells. It’s a massive turn off and kind of a dealbreaker.

Any suggestions?

{Natalie, Robina, QLD*}

Ohh Natalie, this would be a dealbreaker for me as well. Physical attraction is important in a partner, and if you can’t stand the way he smells, you have a problem.

Worse still, if he knows it is an issue for you and still refuses to do something about it, then we’re dealing with a whole nother set of dilemmas. He’s choosing his BO beliefs over you and your future together, which is a pretty big sign, right there.

Perhaps you could try wearing a peg on your nose during your time together? Depending on how observant he is, he may or may not get the hint. That is very bad advice, do not do that.

Have you suggested a more natural chemical and aluminium-free alternative to big brand commercial deodorant? You can get loads of natural pastes, lotions and sprays nowadays. You may not find them as cheap as a can of Rexona from Coles, but they are out there, and if you look on the Google machine, I’m sure you’ll find something suitable for him. Perhaps purchase some and leave it at his place for him to use?

At the end of the day, if this is a dealbreaker for you (as it would be for me) you’ll need to sit him down (downwind, of course) and tell him outright that he either needs to lift his game or you’re ending the relationship. It takes a lot of compromises, empathy and understanding to maintain a successful relationship, and if he won’t do that one little thing for you, then that’s saying a whole lot about who he is as a man.

It’s one thing to live a natural, organic, chemical-free lifestyle, but it’s another entirely to inflict your stank on your nearest and dearest. That shit wouldn’t fly with many women and he needs to get it under control if he wants to continue to enjoy intimate relationships.

Good luck!