As a famous woman once said “Skinny jeans don’t make you skinny.*”

Just like beauty creams don’t make you beautiful. I know; you’re shocked right.  Me too!

Over my long career in the beauty industry, i.e. – my bathroom – I have experienced many triumphs and even more tribulations.

I mean, how amazing is the GHD – straight glossy hair in less than 5 minutes, or the fabulous Pedi Egg, that leaves heels as smooth as the day you were born. And let’s not forget the discovery of the amazing self tanning face cream that gives you just that hint of summer kissed without the Snooki glow.

However, as with everything in life, you get the good and the bad.

Here’s what I like to call my Top 3 Beauty Disasters. Drum roll please …..

Coming in at number 3 is an incident straight out of Sex and the City. For that .00005% of women that have no idea what I’m talking about, SATC was a revolutionary series, following the lives of five New York women. It had everything we women love; gossip, sex, romance, fashion and personas we could identify with. (I personally always swayed between Carrie and Charlotte). Samantha has a chemical peel on the day of Carrie’s big book launch. In short, she’s left with face that looks nothing short of hideous. Refusing to let her bestie Carrie down, she pops on what can only be described as a bee-keepers hat, and heads to the launch. Hilarious! Except when it happens to you. I know the label on my whitening cream said apply sparingly 3 times a week- but darn it, surely if I applied a thick layer just before bed those stubborn pigmentation marks would fade by morning? Right? Umm…no.

I’m certain I burned a layer of epidermis that night. Oh well I think beekeepers look kind of sexy.

Number 2 takes us all the way back to high school. A time when fluoro was cool and Milli Vanilli reigned supreme. When we still thought George Michael was straight and all wondered what Andrew Ridgeley actually did. A time when Madonna didn’t look like a chipmunk and could still move her forehead. Okay stop me, I could go on here.

The look I was rocking at the time was a spiral perm with a fringe best described as homage to Niagara Falls. Don’t judge – Taylor Dayne had the hair we all wanted- myself included. So every night before bed I would dab some White King bleach on cotton wool and rub it over my fringe. Yes it smelled bad. Yes I could see smoke rising from my head, and sure occasionally there were hairs on my pillow in the morning. Minor technicalities. That blonde fringe with the dark spiral perm was the envy of all my friends, I’m certain of it.

My number 1 is a real beauty. (Pun intended). As I’ve stated previously, I’ve always struggled with the occasional breakout – even now as I’m writing this I can feel a hormonal, volcanic-like pimple trying to break through the skin on my chin. I’m always ready to try anything that may help get rid of these annoying blemishes – even toothpaste. Yes toothpaste! You see there’s an ingredient in there that will dry out a pimple and reduce the redness. If used correctly this is actually a very effective treatment.

Correctly being the key word here. I however, see myself as more of a pioneer of beauty– I’ll always go that extra mile. In the interest of the sisterhood out there, I will be your guinea pig. You’re welcome.

So over a period of five days and nights I would apply a dab of toothpaste on two stubborn pimples. I kept it on during the day (when I was at home of course) and overnight there it stayed – keeping the pimples and my husband at bay. That is until the morning of day 4 when I looked in the mirror and saw two burn-like marks on my skin the size of a 5 cent piece.

What in the name of Mother of St. Albans was this? I did what any woman in her right mind would do… I Googled it.

And there it was…pages upon pages of articles and images of people that had permanently burnt and scarred their faces with TOOTHPASTE! It very clearly stated that if you felt a burning sensation when applying the toothpaste to wash it off immediately. Did I feel it burning? Hell yes! I just thought it was doing an awesome job in drying up the pimple. There is a happy ending here. I promptly took myself to the local compounding pharmacy where I was prescribed a dose of Vitamin C serum. This was after the pharmacist had a good old chuckle and said, “Wow, toothpaste you say? I’ve never heard of that before.” To which I promptly replied, “You should Google it – it’s very common.”

 * Not really a famous woman, just me.  

Chrystal Lovevintage is the mother of twins, loving wife and vintage tragic.

A child of the 80s who loves pop culture, Danish design and vegemite toast with honey.

Loves fashion, reading autobiographies and has a knack for turning trash to treasure.

Chrystal’s honest reflections are an insight into her colourful and at times crazy world.

You can follow her blog at www.chrystalovevintage.wordpress.com