I have seen enough “toot toot – chugga chugga big red car” to last a lifetime. The terrible thing is, at one stage I actually started developing feelings for Captain Feathersword. It was as if this dark, obnoxious and slightly manic pirate looked deep into my soul and touched my inner depths. “Ahoy there mi hearties.”  Sigh… is he talking to moi?

I knew I had a very serious problem when I actually Googled “CAPTAIN FEATHERSWORD” to get a better look at this bloke. Eww! He’s just an average looking bloke, who doesn’t look the least bit sexy without his pirate hat and patch on. Why am I so perturbed by my Feathersword fantasy? Surely it can’t be just me who feels this way?

I simply had to go into the cone (the cone of silence) at my mother’s group and confided in my friends about my embarrassing passion for the pirate with ADHD. I was met with “You too? He’s Hot!” and “Allyson you need to get a job, your brain is turning to jelly; the minute you start fantasising about a Wiggle you’re gone.”  

OK, yes I know about my jelly brain thank you very much, but if I get a job I’ll need to find a housewife and mother! Who the hell is going to bake my children’s favourite paperweight muffins and shrink all of their woollens in the laundry? Who will do the shopping, the ironing, the dishes, the nurturing? Who? Who? Who!!   

I was super relieved when I heard “Are you serious, I really fancied Rhys from Playschool – whatever happened to him?”  Oh God, I love Rhys too!

What astounded me most was “I simply adored Anthony Wiggle. You know that new young bloke will never fill yellow wiggle’s shoes…I don’t know how I’ll get over him.”  A tear rolled down my friend’s sad face as she sniffled. We were all dumbfounded in our tight, little, caring cone of compassion and understanding. We knew how she felt, we’d been there.

I’ve learned the Playschool and Wiggle infatuation phenomena does happen to some mums who spend too much of their precious time watching children’s TV shows. DON’T DO IT! Maybe we should all be doing Pilates in the bedroom instead, or an external degree in homoeopathy? Dunno. All I can say is “be gone from my brain Captain Feathersword!”

As arsenic hour descended upon me I realised only three more hours to go till lights out.  I wonder how my husband would feel about wearing my son’s pirate patch around the house after dinner….

Allyson’s top 10 signs you need a therapist, a holiday or strong liquor:

1. You’ve spent the last month in your tracky dacks.
2. You’ve neglected shaving your underarms for more than a year.
3. You’ve developed the scary habit of talking to the dog, cat, or any other pets you may have and start to believe they know how you feel.
4. You walk around the house all day with dental floss in your hair without noticing it.
5. You start to enjoy folding tea towels and find it therapeutic.
6. You get excited about invites to Tupperware parties, or worse, you contemplate attending a Tupperware party (even though the host says you don’t have to buy anything, just come for a drink, what a load of bullshit), or even worse you actually contemplate hosting a Tupperware party. Never heed to this vicious and cruel cycle of buying or selling overpriced plastic.
7. You neglect to yell at the children for leaving the toilets un-flushed and start to believe it’s your GOD GIVEN DUTY to be Chief Flusher for the rest of your life.
8. You neglect the dull, possibly greying re-growth on your scalp of more than five centimetres (for my American friends about 2 inches).
9. You have a supply of Tim tams in your night-table (for my American friends you will need to order these directly from Australia).
10. Young mums (forget about Captain Fathersword), you actually start thinking about a roll in the hay with prepubescent males like that total spunk from Giggle and Hoot. Forget about that damn owl, come to mama!

Join Allyson for more hilarious adventures over at Eat Your Heart Out Martha Stewart.