There is nothing that irks me more than watching a paranoid mother pick something off the ground and say to her precious child “Quick darling – six second rule!” She’ll then look around to make sure nobody sees her pop that filthy piece of bread into her kid’s gob. Phew. Still a good mummy. Made it in 5.8 seconds. Not bad, pat pat.

Calling on all mums of the 21^st century to stop being neurotic Stepford Wives. Haven’t any of you heard of the six month or dare I say, the six year rule? A measly six seconds? Puhleeze – that is so…. so not old enough for germs to germinate ladies! Absolutely nothing can happen in six seconds. Bugs and parasites need at least six hours to go ballistic and start festering. If you lose a bean on the floor, a chip at Maccas, a grape on the driveway, don’t have a conniption – take a chill pill and listen to me.

My three year old daughter once scraped a piece of old chewing gum off the seat of a cruddy, dilapidated old bench frequently visited by unemployed boozers. She happily chewed on it until her ditzy mother (moi) realised she was munching away on something foreign.

When I inquired as to what was in her mouth, she replied ”big chewy from bench” grinning from ear to ear and pointing to the seat which now held the back side of a big fat, tattooed and heavily pierced man. Actually maybe it was a woman. Still unsure…

“Oh fucking hell, she’s going to die” is about the only thing that went through my brain as I whisked her off the ground and plunged my fingers into her mouth, pulling out the grey mass of ancient Wrigley’s. I seriously wondered if I should call 000. “Oh God, it’s been longer than six seconds! And it wasn’t even her gum!! Shall I spray her mouth with Glen 22?”

Today my daughter is very much alive and thriving. She developed no communicable diseases, herpes, mouth ulcers, diphtheria or ebola virus whatsoever. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the piece of chewy she munched on for a good minute, may have actually helped her immune system. Parents today spend far too much money pumping healthy bacteria into their children’s systems – take kiddy acidophilous for example. Hasn’t anybody considered utilizing the multitude of friendly bacteria in one’s car?

After the gum incident I somehow “felt free” and started letting my children regularly snack on whatever edible sustenance happened to be in our family vehicle. I hate to be wasteful you know and nowadays if I’m running late to school I’ll often let the terrors graze on a fine assortment of old food on the bottom of the carpet as I screech out the driveway. Never neglect to scrounge in between the seats as well. We have remnants of old kebabs, a few M&Ms, the odd chip, muesli bar bits, dried fruit, sultanas, all good tucker for crying out loud! It’s all there and it’s all quite nutritious my friends.

Six seconds, six weeks, six years…. have no fears.

Join Allyson for more hilarious adventures over at Eat Your Heart Out Martha Stewart.