Dear Hubbster,

Firstly, I would like to say thank you…thank you…thank you, for finally getting us a new family car – one that doesn’t creak and moan, (and bang and knock) and doesn’t have its exhaust pipe held on by cable ties.  The kids and I are loving having more space.  More importantly I am loving that we are able to space the children out across the car so that no one is able to annoy, poke or prod anyone else.  It is heaven.  So for handing me back a portion of my on-road sanity I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You may have to wait for me to than you from the bottom of my pants, it has been a long week and I’m tired.

However…(I know you were expecting a ‘but,’ so I thought I’d mix it up with an ‘however’ instead.)  Besides that ‘however’ sounds slightly more serious, which is more fitting for the gravity of the offence I would like to discuss.  I’m serious….put down angry birds…and listen.

It has been 5 days now since you drove into the driveway with the new car.  Everyday since then, (and yes, I do call you everyday when you are at work for a whinge, a nag, for parenting support, to share something the children have done, to find out where you have hidden the peanut M&M’s, and occasionally for some cheeky phone sex)…but I digress…EVERYDAY since I have phoned you have answered the phone with a paniced “Have you crashed the car?”

The first time it was funny.

The second time I let you off with the reminder that jokes are only funny the first time.  Well, some have more longevity, but not yours, and not that one.

The third time you were saved from a verbal assault by the presence of the kids….ditto fourth and fifth.

So, I’m giving you the heads up…unless you’d like to see what the inside of your rectum looks like with your own eyeballs, cut it out.

For your information, I have only ever had one ‘bingle.’

Yes, it was with a parked car in a doctor’s carpark granted but I was a sleep deprived first time parent, and it was the first week of driving a wagon rather than my little white Barina.  But thankfully when I found the owner in the waiting room to apologise, he was too distracted by my newly-aquired breastfeeding babylons, and told me not to worry it was just a little scratch.  I beat a hasty retreat before his unhappy wife decided to scratch my eyes out.

Oh yes, and there was the time (only two weeks later than I had a little bump in the multi-story car park, with the pillar.  But come on…what a stupid place to put a pillar, right?)  It was just a minor modification and I was never very taken with the shape of the car the way it was.

And before you say it, don’t bring up the time that I reversed out of the drive way and scratched the neighbour’s brand new hubcaps. (The squeeeeeee is still ringing in my ears). For one, it was a scratch not a bump so it doesn’t count, and two, WHO DRIVES TO THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR?  If he had walked across his lawn to ours it would never have happened…that’ll teach him!  Since that day he has always walked to our house, so if you think about it, I actually did him (and his health) a favour.  You’re welcome.

I won’t go into the list of your driving misdemeanors here…I have only got 1 glass of wine left in the bottle and 37 pages left in my notepad.  You know, I know…let’s leave it at that!

Suffice it to say that if you do continue I will be taking detours away from the speed humps, if you know what I mean.

Remember, happy wife, happy life.  You have been warned!

Your loving safe-driving wife,

Jolene

Who has had the higher number of car-related accidents between you and your partner?  And why do men always make a bigger deal out of our misdemeanors than they do their own…or is that just my husband?