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Skinny Jeans (1), Arse (0)


Remember those bargain $10 jeans I bought a few weeks ago?

The ones I had a little trouble getting into and slightly more getting out of?  Yes…those ones.

Well, today they took their revenge on me for all the yanking and pulling, heaving and stretching I have been subjecting them to every time I’ve worn them.

After dropping The Woo at kinder this morning, Foghorn, Bubble and I headed to the supermarket as is our usual Thursday morning ritual. 

Foghorn seemed to be mastering the art of lowering his angelic little voice a few decibels to something resembling the ‘indoor voice,’ albeit a very loud one still.  Instead of announcing every single item,  (in varying tones of excited squeals), as he deposited them into my shopping trolley, today he limited himself to only yelling “Peanut butter,” “Yogurt,” and “Chicken.”

(Times like this I thank my lucky stars that I won a year’s supply of Miss De Jour tampons!)

Despite Bubble falling asleep only ten minutes before we arrived, (and having to be woken up,) she was surprisingly content.  She obviously does not take after me in this regard.  I’ll admit, she did need a little coaxing to maintain her happy disposition.  Thankfully though, the baked fruit bar I hastily unwrapped and handed to her halfway around aisle seven was sufficient to avert a potential grocery shopping-related disaster.

Or so I thought.

Bending over to grab some super-strength deodorant (only the Rexona Clinical Protection stuff is good enough for my pits!) I heard a horrifying sound.

It was a sound I hadn’t heard since my university days, on the ground floor in the English Literature area of a huge musty old library.


(That is an e, by the way, not an a, and is my pathetic attempt to replicate the sound).

The seam running parallel with my, (to put it bluntly,) butt crack had given up its tireless effort to ‘make it work’ and split.  At least when it happened back in the uni library, it was below my bum cheek, and although showing a little more flesh than I had intended (especially on a chilly winter’s day in the UK) could still be passed off under the guise of fashion.

Major wardrobe malfunction!

Have you ever seen anyone wearing a pair of jeans with a split down their crack?

That’s right.  No! 

And quite frankly I hope you never do.  Take it from me, it is never a good look!

If only, I had looked like this!

One other thing that differed in this experience, to that of my previous embarrassing jean-splitting one, was the presence of Foghorn’s unmistakeable and characteristically loud voice announcing in a voice clearer than the supermarket PA system..

“Ha ha!  Mummy?  Mummy?  You broke your butt!”


So, I guess the moral of the story is,

·        Stay the hell away from ridiculously cheap jeans.  Remember the false economy theory?  Considering the fact that I possibly only wore them about 5 times they may actually turned out to be the most (relatively) expensive pair I have ever bought, or:

·        Never underestimate the power…or possibly the size…of your butt!  (Maybe I’ll invest in a pair in the next size up….or not.)


Have you ever had an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction in a public place?

Image: Roland Darby /




Jolene enjoys writing, sharing and connecting with other like-minded women online – it also gives her the perfect excuse to ignore Mount-Washmore until it threatens to bury her family in an avalanche of Skylander T-shirts and Frozen Pyjama pants. (No one ever knows where the matching top is!) Likes: Reading, cooking, sketching, dancing (preferably with a Sav Blanc in one hand), social media, and sitting down on a toilet seat that one of her children hasn’t dripped, splashed or sprayed on. Dislikes: Writing pretentious crap about herself in online bio’s and refereeing arguments amongst her offspring.

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