Your Kid Said What?  Hilarious Things Kids Have Said

Kids can say the most unexpected of things, and often at the most inopportune of times too, can’t they?
If you are a parent it is highly unlikely that your child hasn’t said something that’s had you breathless with laughter, or wishing that the ground would open up and swallow you whole! If you a sitting back swaddling a cute little bundle of joy that is yet to utter their first word, fear not, your time will come too!

Here are just a few of the stories we found on Reddit of absolutely adorable and hilarious things kids have said – and we laughed a little louder just with sheer relief it wasn’t one of our own! Ha!

When My Daughter was 4 she used to go to a ballet class and at Christmas they would put on a show for all of the parents to come and watch so we could see what they had learned throughout the year.
I was sitting watching my Daughters class along with about 40 other adults when the ballet teacher stood and pointed her finger out in front of her to indicate where she wanted the kids to line up for the next routine.
My little angel was the first in line next to the teacher and grabbed her outstretched finger and started to tug on it, the teacher asked her what she was doing and just as the entire audience went silent she replied-
“When I do that to my Daddy he does a massive fart”.
I’ve never been so embarrassed. (Reddit user: Mostly_Useless)

My 5-year-old son had just finished his swimming lesson and approached my wife, who was talking to one of the other moms. “Why are you talking to her? I thought you said she’s a jerk!” Reddit user: Scrappy_Larue

A few months back my wife showed a picture of herself to our 3-year-old daughter. In the picture my wife is about 7 years old. “Do you know who this is?”
Daughter: (gasps) “That’s me when I’m bigger!”
I love that she thought this was actually possible. (Reddit user: Lord_of_hosts)

While waiting in line to get her picture taken with Santa I was giving my 2 year old daughter pieces of popcorn one at a time as a snack. I must have been a little slow with my delivery and she shouted “MORE COCKPORN DADDY” at the top of her lungs.  (Reddit user: blee456)

Overheard in a first grade classroom:
“Well when my Mom and Dad practice wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice cream and watch whatever movie I want!!!”
That was a fun one!  (Reddit user: DoubleWhammyN321)

I gave my son a timeout from swords, light sabers, guns and (Thor) hammers due to him being too violent/aggressive. After about 10 minutes of quiet, I went to check on him and found him building w/ his Legos.
After I told him that I was proud of him for listening, I asked him what he was building. He told me he was building an ultimate Lego weapon so that he could destroy me.
I think he may have missed the point, but at least he’s persistent. Reddit user: Stumplahoma

Son and I are playing catch. I have a terrible throw that sails over his head. I say, “Sorry, that was a bad throw.” He stops, gives me a kind look and says, “No daddy, that was a wonderful throw.” Then takes 2 steps towards getting the ball. He stops again, turns back around and says, “When we say something nice, even when we don’t mean it at all, that’s called being polite, right?”  (Reddit user: omgwtfbob)

Tried to explain to my 7 year old nephew that Santa wouldn’t bring him a 4 wheeler, because he was too young to drive it, and I think it may be illegal to drive them at his house anyway. He replied “What do you mean you think?! You’re a mom! Don’t you have to know all the laws to be a mom?!” I just looked at him and said “I know a lot of laws, but moms don’t know everything.” I saw his little brain exploding over this revelation.  (Reddit user: Cas4040)

My husband was mowing the lawn. He took his shirt off. My son looked at his dad, turned to me and said “Daddy is very skinny.” Surprised, because he’s far from skinny, I said “Why would you say that?” He looked at his dad’s big belly & replied “He has a lot of skin!”  (Reddit user: northshore21)

My daughter is 3 years old and is getting excited about Christmas and Santa Clause.
I told her that Santa will come on the 24 of December to bring her presents and he will come down the chimney.
My daughter replied, ” Why will he come down the chimney? I will teach him how to use the door when he gets here.” (Reddit user: meleen6000)

Once we were in a submarine/museum waiting our turn to look into the periscope. When I told him to be patient, he said “I’m waiting as fast as I can!”  (Reddit user: smikims)

My wife’s best friend was putting her four year old daughter to bed and was super cold so she said, “brrr, I have the coldness.” Her daughter asked what the coldness was and she told her it was a silly way of saying she is cold. So her daughter tells her, “I have to pee, I have the peeness!”  (Reddit user: joeyheartbear)

My friend and her 5 year old son were in line at McDonald’s and happened to be standing behind a very large man. The little guy says very loudly “mommy, I think I can smell his bum”.  (Reddit user: Chastitee)

“Mom, why do you put on lipstick?”
“To make myself pretty, dear.”
“But… Why isn’t it working?”  (Reddit user: Enfors)

Took my 6 year old for a repeat visit to the pediatrician. The doc had gotten a haircut between our visits (3days apart). Son looks at him and yells ‘ who gave you a haircut? You look like a potato’.
I could’ve died right there. Reddit user: srram

My little sister asked me (concerning my pregnancy) “when you eat does the food fall on the babies head?”  (Reddit user: Super_delicious)

My husband took our six year old daughter to the bathroom. He helped her wash her hands then turned to wash his own, when he turned around she was staring at a man at a urinal. my hubby quickly grabbed her hand and as the reached the door, in her loudest voice she said ” that man wasn’t very big was he daddy!”  (Reddit user: purpleevilt)

Put my 2 year old son on the toilet during the latest session of toilet training. He proceeds to make the “psssssst” sound of peeing. I told him, “I hear it but I don’t see any pee coming out” He fumbles around with his penis for a couple of seconds and tells me: “hmmmm, must need new batteries”  (Reddit user: Doc_Hyde)

“Mommy is in a bad mood because she in on her pyramid.”
(Reddit user: ace_urban)

We’d love to hear the cute, hilarious and downright embarrassing things your child has ever said.  Please leave a comment so we can all have a giggle!