Things To Shove Up Your Hoo-ha: Tried and Tested

Well I bet the title of this post grabbed your attention; things to shove up your hoo-ha tried and tested. Is this about sex, tampons or dildos? None. Of. The Above.

I didn’t think I would ever write an article about my pelvic floor trainer/vibrating toy I have stashed away in my cupboard. In a little velvet bag. In private. But I had to after reading the ridiculous claims Gwyneth Paltrow is spouting about the Jade and Rose quartz eggs she is now selling on her Goop site.

Not the first time Gwynnie has been on the vag-health bandwagon as last year you may remember she spoke of the benefits of steam cleaning our inner workings which you can read about here.

This year it’s about crystal eggs. The claim is that “jade eggs harness the power of energy work, crystal healing and a Kegel-like physical practice as well as detox benefits”. Cause apparently we use our womb as a psychic trash bin  “storing old and negative energy when we should be using it as a place to celebrate ourselves as sexual, powerful beings”. And the good ‘ol jade egg “cultivates sexual energy, increases orgasm, balances the cycle, does some sorta reflexology and tightens and tones”. Oh and “clears chi pathways”. But don’t expect instant results from the Jade egg, it takes around a month of daily use to really start perceiving the results (and may fall out when you stand up). Totally awks at the gym. This little beauty will set you back $66.

Oh and I forgot to mention: it needs to be under the light of a full moon to cleanse or recharge it. OR you could burn sage if you’re in a hurry.

Of course if you’re on a budget and after something more gentle, you can try the rose quartz which brings more love energy and heals wounds for the modest price of $55.

Uh-oh, I’ve just noticed they are BOTH out of stock!

Not to worry ladies, because I have an alternative. Meet the modern day, complete with iPhone app, ‘Vive’ from Honey Birdette. THIS thing is the bees knees. I don’t know how many of you have actually shopped in Honey Birdette but I find it difficult to get out of there without being sold a new toy from the super excited sales ladies in there. Yes, they sell toys – a LOT of them at the back of the store and are they ever enthusiastic about them. Anyway, I got talked into buying this last year.

Advantages over the crystal eggs:

1. No moon cleansing required (you can buy a spray disinfectant to go with).
2. It has a string-like handle thing that hangs outside your body so you can actually REMOVE it without medical aid.
3. The app. OMG, the app. It allows you to start this thing vibrating in different speeds and rhythms. For no reason other than it feels fantastic. Then, if you actually can be bothered doing the exercises aimed at strengthening your pelvic floor muscles you can follow along from Beginners to Advanced which involves squeezing and releasing your muscles. Then it rates your performance. If you make it to the advanced stages, you can even compete against other users. I swear to God.
4. You may find yourself super horny. You may then receive a lot more sex than you thought possible.
5. It’s PINK. Oh wait, so is the rose quartz egg. Never mind this point.

Disadvantages:

1. It occasionally loses connection.
2. It makes you so horny you may lose track of time and take FOREVER to finish writing this article.
3. It’s $200 (but kinda worth it).

I did buy the non-vibrating, non-interactive, plain version a few years ago and it got very quickly neglected and thrown to the back of my bedside drawer because frankly, it just wasn’t as much fun. In fact it wasn’t ANY fun.

So – your choice at the end of the day what you place inside your body but for me, I’m going to stick with modern technology.