People Share the Dumb Things They Did Because They Were Horny

Can being horny lower your IQ? Judging by a recent thread on popular website Reddit, we’d say the answer could well be a resounding ‘yep!’ We’ve picked out some of the funniest, cringiest, and eye-watering stories for your reading pleasure!

I had it so bad for this Chinese girl at university back in 2004, and she would not give me the time of day, I did everything I possibly could. Then in a moment of insane desperation and browsing shit during the earlier days of the internet I found some sort of self proclaimed wizard living in California who specialized in love spells and I shit you not, my 20 year old brain thought it was a good idea to send said wizard $200 USD to cast the spell. Suffice it to say the spell did not work.

To this day I still can’t believe how stupid I was. Male hormones are ridiculous things. – ThoughtCriminality

Died my hair black.

My roommate was doing it and the girl helping him was redonkulously hot. She came into the living room and told me, “We have some extra dye, I think you would look hot with black hair.”

I looked at her in that lime green tube top and said, “That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

I found out I was allergic to hair dye when, 3 days later, my head swelled up and I looked like that orc general that attacked Minas Tririth in Return of the King with a full head of Elvis-black hair.

It took a whole month of medication for it to go away as my head was bright red under the hair and secreting a fluid that made my hair hard as a rock.

Fun times. – berkeleyjake

Got my dick stuck inside a toilet paper roll once. I was a teenager and horny and so I thought if I stuck it in and let it get hard it would somehow be… pleasurable?

Well, it got hard but when it did it was too tight to do anything and started to hurt. So I freaked out trying to figure out how to get it off. It took way too long to occur to me that I could just tear the cardboard roll.

I was helping my dad close up the sailboat for the winter. We took the seat cushions out and the long one’s had to go in the car between us, kind of stacked up like a wall so we could only see each others heads. Teenage hormones kicked in on the hour ride home and I proceeded to rub one out while looking out the window. Many moons later I told my brothers who then proceeded to tell my dad.

“I always wondered why you were so quiet on that trip” – HantsyPantsy

I had sex with a shower door and accidentally used tanning cream as lube. My dick was pretty brown the next day and smelt of biscuits -seedsinsideyourbutt

Paid for a porn subscription that I didn’t realize I was still paying for until 1.5 years later. $1135 for one orgasm. – BusinessFamous1237

Discovered my dick is too big for a prescription bottle – ZippyVonBoom

Broke my foot a couple a month ago in a car wreck. Was in the ICU for 3 days. Hooked up to wires could barely move to go to the restroom. Than 3 days later they put me into a normal room for three more days.

They finally hooked me up on a portable heart machine to check my vitals.

After all these days. “You know” not being able to “caress the serpent” I was able to go to the restroom by myself. I took my phone with me. And you know where this goes.

So about 3 minutes in. All I hear is banging on the door from a nurse asking me if I’m okay. She was saying through the door my heart rate was up to 170.

Me freaking out totally forgot that I had the portable heart monitor on 😂 I told her that I was fine. That I was taking a number two. And was having a hard time trying to get it out. Making up a total complete lie. Lol

After I was done cleaning up. I had a boot on for my foot. I quickly tucked the phone inside to hide it. I hurried and open the door to find a doctor and five nurses waiting outside. It was like I was dying to them. 😂😂😂 – honeypurr45

After she called me (on the ol’ landline),I crawled up into the bathroom window of a neighbor girl, who was in her parents bedrooms bathroom. She was getting ready to take a shower so I joined her. Her dad was on the other side of the door, watching tv in his bed. Ahh, the mid-seventies…. – Itchy_Focus_4500

Tried to choke my self with a towel. Woke up in a hospital with my mum beside me. – Alice_Mary_Jane

I accidentally locked my girlfriend and I outside her family’s cabin while we were naked with 3ft of snow around us. We were going skinny dipping in their hot tub and forgot to bring our clothes outside with us, so I had to run about 100 feet buck-naked through 3 feet of snow to get back in the front door. – CorrectMarionberry61

Several years back, a woman I had been flirting with called me in the middle of the night one time bc she wasn’t feeling well and asked if I could pick up some medicine and bring it to her place. Went to her place not expecting too much other than maybe earning some brownie points for dropping off the meds. Anyway, she invites me in and asks if I could spend the night with her. That of course gets me all titillated. However, by the time we get into bed, she’s all tired and drowsy despite her best attempt at acting seductive. Next thing I know, I’m lying in bed next to her with my arm pinned under her body while she’s snoring away and farting. I end up lying like that for the rest of the night. Got maybe 30min of sleep that entire night and of course I then had to get up to work a whole shift in the morning.

At least I did earn some brownie points for that bc we ended up dating for not quite a year afterwards. – chewytime

Drove 4 hours to the beach to camp with a fuck buddy of mine. He stood me up and ghosted me. The icing on the cake was losing my keys in the sand and having to pay $300 for a new set to be cut. – Tasty-Layer-7506

Decided to masturbate into a urinal because I was bored and horny studying for finals when I was in college. I studied in an empty classroom in the creepiest old building on campus so that I could be completely focused and not be distracted. I hadn’t seen anybody in that building for 3 hours so I didn’t feel the need to lock the bathroom door or do my business in a stall like a normal person.

So I’m going to town on myself and suddenly the bathroom door opens and I stop mid-fap (foreskin noises stops suddenly). I just stood there holding my erect penis for a second, put it back in and leave without making eye contact. Still have no idea who that person was, but they definitely knew what I was doing and that I’m fucking weird. – PMME_ur_lovely_boobs

Girl offered to jerk me off if I let her copy my answers off of one of our finals. I thought it was going to be sometime after, but nope, it was right there during a lecture. Being a typical young guy of course I wasn’t gonna reject the offer. Still surprised to this day we weren’t caught. – Scarface397

Jerked off in principal’s office to his daughter’s picture. – SuvenPan

I was talking about this the other day LOL.

I once walked 3 miles) at 2am during a snow storm and -3 degree temperatures when my girlfriend called and said that her parents were gone for the weekend.

The things a horny 16 year old kid will do to get laid. LOL – StevenArviv

Many years ago I had one of those abdominal wraps that is supposed to exercise your abs by sending small electrical shocks to cause involuntary contractions. Tried it on another area and didn’t really feel like anything except little non-painful shocks. But still pretty dumb. Thankfully I didn’t sterilize myself. -kgold0

Drove 300 miles at 2am for the booty call. Hardest drive of my life (yup) and being honest, was not worth it. Not one damn bit. But knowing that I’d prob have done it again still. We men are idiots – mercilesskiller

14 year old me got my ballsack caught in the mechanism of a sliding glass top home color printer in the early 90’s.

Rubbing one out while trying to get a copy of it was…..a fail. – Macrophage

I love telling this story because its so quintessentially stupid horny teenager. I was probably 16 and in the depths of peak horomone horniness. I read somewhere online you can put honey in a plastic bag, heat it up to a nice temperature, and fuck it. I overheated the honey, but couldn’t tell when I held it. But when I folded it over and stuck my cock in it, the molten honey in the middle mixed around and… Scalded. My. Cock. A hot bag of honey burned my dick and I could tell no one at the time. – Spenway18

So, there we have it. ‘The Idiots Guide on What Not to Do When You are Horney,’ although we are sure there are still a few chapters that could be added!