Is it just me that hates unexpected visitors? Have I always been that way? I don’t think I have, so something may have shifted in my brain. Maybe it’s different when your kids get older because when they still live at home, you generally have to have clothes on and when they move out (sweet hallelujah) things get a little bit more…relaxed.
My husband has recently taken up mountain bike riding with a mate of his and generally this mate (let’s call him Cookie because that’s his name) turns up here bright and early on the weekend before they head off. I was sitting in the family room in my dressing gown, hair askew, reading glasses on (which are hideously unattractive), reading the newspaper when he arrived last Sunday morning at 7.30am. And do you know what he did? He called out to me from the front door: “Carolyn!!!!! Where are you??!!!”
I pulled my gown tighter over what was a very gaping bosom and thought crap, really? Really? Do you actually think I want to see people at 7.30am on a Sunday? There was nowhere to hide. Next thing you know he’s standing in the doorway, helmet on, smile on his face, “Watcha doing?”
Umm, what does it look like? Go away.
Two weeks prior to this we had just come back from taking the dog for a walk after dinner and there’s a car in our driveway. It was my husband’s brother Paul and his wife Charlotte. They have NEVER called in on us so this was strange. Someone must have died. We invited them in for
wine coffee (I had wine, I don’t drink coffee) and sat around the kitchen table even though I was dying to watch First Dates which I had deliberately planned the timing of the walk around.
I don’t know Charlotte very well as it’s Paul’s second marriage and we haven’t spent much time together yet so I was politely chatting away when Charlotte turns to Paul and said “Are you going to tell Carolyn about the face cream?”
My heart sunk. I had learned via their Facebook pages that they have gotten involved in some Amway/Pyramid type selling scheme for anti-ageing vitamins and skin products. I thought, here we go. Paul looked uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said “Would you like to try a face cream for free for five days?” (very well rehearsed).
Feigning enthusiasm I replied, “sure if it’s free!”
Then I asked him how much it was to buy and he stumbled over this (non-rehearsed) part and said, “Well there’s a day cream and a night cream and I think it’s $180 retail for the day cream but it’s only $120 wholesale”, or something like that.
I guess the aim at this point had merely been for me to fall in love with this product and call him with excitement to order a case-load at which point he would have further answers. I had tripped him up on his first potential sale.
Anyway, I said “yeah sure – why not?”
Charlotte said she would drop some off later that week and they left but I didn’t hear from them again.
Fast forward to this Monday. It was supposed to be the night of the Super Moon.
Well, it still was the night of the Super Moon, you just couldn’t see it in Melbourne.
I sat perched by our front window hoping it would shine through the clouds and by 8.15 we gave up and decided to go and get into our outdoor spa. It’s not technically outdoors anymore as the outdoor room has slowly been modified over time to become fully enclosed but it’s just outside our family room.
Remember how I said there’s no kids here anymore? We get in that thing naked. Starkers.
We sat back, moaned at that feeling you get when you first climb into water that’s 37C, all the way up to your neck, drinks in hand and leaned back to relax. 10 minutes into this, my dog goes tearing up the hallway a million miles an hour and starts barking her head off at the front door.
Shit, shit, shit. I looked at my husband, he looked at me – I said “What if it’s James (our son), he’ll let himself in with his key. Quick! Get out! Go and investigate and get rid of them.”
He very reluctantly got out, toweled off, put on his robe and went to the door. There’s a window in our pantry that overlooks the spa so I was leaning over it trying to listen and see who was there and I hear voices enter the house. I had nowhere to escape to. Why are there people in my house? Why?
I hear my husband say “No, she won’t want to see you. No, she won’t want to see you. NOO Charlotte, she WON’T want to see you.
Charlotte sings out: “It’s just me” as she approaches the family room door. I call out – “No, don’t come out, I’m NAKED.”
She still fucking came out!
She started to walk over to the spa and said again, “But it’s just meeeeee.”
I said “I’M NAKED – GET OUT.”
“Oh,” she says “but I’m dropping off the face cream.”
God. Thankfully they left just after that but seriously? SERIOUSLY?
Maybe we are getting too set in our routine now which consists of dinner, dishes, walk, collapsing onto the couch (and/or spa), drinks in hand and throwing off any restrictive clothing for it to land wherever it chooses and watching the idiot box. The last thing I want is to scramble around getting dressed again and hoping the bathroom’s clean and wondering if there’s any snacks to serve these uninvited guests. We never, ever, ever call in on people without calling first. Like EVER.
Are we weird?
By the way, the face cream actually seems really good. Stay tuned.