As I find myself reaching the final stages of my pregnancy, I reflect back on all the time spent “Googling” symptoms. Symptoms that in hindsight offered little insight into what I should have expected with reference to the glory of pregnancy.
Therefore, being a mother of four children under the age of five, I believe it is my duty to create a more believable and somewhat relevant list for those starting out. Perhaps for those in their first trimester ever curious as to what lies ahead of them.
The “Top ten signs of pregnancy” list that you will read over and over again on the internet is although helpful, really fails those who are searching for the synopsis on the reality of what is to be expected.
In my experience, this following list, my version, has proven to be authentic time and time again.
Walk with me.
Martyrhood’s Top 10 symptoms of pregnancy:
- Where is my vagina?
You will find that you and your vagina will become estranged through no fault of your own. You know she’s down there somewhere, you just haven’t seen her in a while.
- Did someone say haemorrhoids?
During the art of love making, your partner may just happen to mistake a haemorrhoid for your clitoris. Try not to make him feel inadequate. Inform him that he has hit the spot, all the while hoping that in his efforts he unwittingly pushes that puppy back up inside your anus where it belongs.
- Either no shoes, or thongs, even in winter.
Your bare feet are riddled with calluses because you can no longer bend over to reach the bastards. Or they have become too fat to fit inside your normal shoes. Either way, it’s not pretty.
- Hormonal facial hair.
You suddenly have stubble that would rival that of Kenny Rodgers. Get plucking.
You are insatiable. You find yourself looking at others in a different light. Do the words Evander Holyfield phase mean anything to you?
- Everything annoys you. Everything.
You may or may not threaten to punch a stranger in the face for breathing too loudly.
- Dinner anyone?
You could serve meals off of your plate sized areolas.
- Tears for Fears.
Tears are the new black. They could be because you’re happy, sad, or indifferent. The important thing is that you are crying. The reasoning is irrelevant.
- Heart burn.
Grab a shot glass and a bottle of Mylanta. It’s about to get crazy in here.
You will contemplate killing someone for the last piece of chocolate. Then mount their head on your wall as a sign of victory …and as a warning.
Although these are the ten that have been left out of the status quo you’ll unearth on the internet, I strongly believe that the list you do find is still relevant.
Therefore for your convenience I have decided to collaborate with the internet experts and expand on their version.
- Light spotting
Once implantation occurs you may slightly spot. This may be a sign of implantation or a sign that you are trying too hard to fall. Your partner may just need to keep his penis in his pants for a while because he is more than likely breaking your vagina.
- Frequent urination.
You may as well set up camp in the bathroom, because that is where you will spend the majority of your time when pregnant. Especially at night when you’d rather be sleeping, or be tossing and turning because you can’t get comfortable. Even if you cease drinking at a certain hour to curb the time spent out of bed, it is to no avail. Your body will store fluid like a camel in your lovely lady lumps.
- Elevated body temperature
This one is important for those that are charting. When you are pregnant your body temperature remains elevated, although may dip during implantation. This is enough to depress the crap out of you and make you believe that all that sex and chaffing was for nothing. In this time, try not to drink a bottle of wine and smoke a packet of ciggies to commiserate. Your foetus will thank you for it.
- Missing your period
No shit Sherlock. Some women still spot though, but not many.
You will be absolutely rooted. You will feel as though you’ve run a marathon, without having left the confines of your couch. Enjoy this time, especially if it is your first pregnancy. Once that little person comes out you will never, ever, rest again. Never. Not ever, not until you are dead.
Your ligaments are stretching and if you already know that you are pregnant, this will make you freak out. Welcome to parenting…the trepidation begins.
You will want to hurl yourself out of a window in order to make the nausea go away. This is a terrible, terrible time. Apparently it is a sign of a strong baby though, so rejoice in it. This is only the very first form of torture your beloved little person inflicts upon you. Enjoy. Also, always remember to wipe your mouth post heave.
- Tender breasts or nipples
A light passing breeze may be enough to make you reach for you boobs in agony. It’s all hormone related and it passes. Just in time for you to try breast feeding, where another form of child inflicted torture unfolds. Only this time you will bleed, a lot.
- Darker Areolas
Think “Wake up Jeff” kind of colour purple.
Bran baby, get it into you. Now! Quick, before you explode! Your arse will also look like that of a baboon. Not pretty. Fortunately only a select few will be privy to it. Even then, that will be too many.
So there you have it. A concise list of symptoms woman may be able to expect of the miracle that is pregnancy.
Have I left any out?
Please feel free to share your experiences.
Find more fabulously funny post from Romina over Martyrhood.
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