Scrotox: Should We Just Leave Our Rude Bits Alone?

I don’t have a scrotum (although my husband has many times encouraged me to think of his as mine to do what I like with). I’ve sometimes wondered what it would be like to drag around a bit of lumpy, hairy, wrinkly skin between my legs and shuddered and thanked God again for making me female. But in order to write about a new trend called Scrotox I had to enlist the owner of a scrotum regarding his thoughts on this new procedure.

According to this article, men are having botox injected into their scrota, also known as OMG, I’m laughing as I type this; “Ball Ironing”. It removes wrinkles, allows the testicles to hang down further (why is that a good thing?) and appear bigger (oh, I get it).

Some are reporting that it makes sex more pleasurable because “my scrotum was more relaxed than before, not loose all the time“. WTF?

My husband is VERY protective of all things to do with his scrotum because he experienced a bit of a disaster with it just after our last child was born. Having finished our quota of children he happily agreed to get the snip and headed off to the local hospital in our small country Victorian town. He was so brave he did it under local anaesthetic which was relatively new back then.

I waited like a dutiful wife and drove him home to rest for the day. We’d only been home about 10 minutes when he noticed the left side of his scrotum was really big and turning dark. Alarmed, I called the hospital to be told “sorry, everyone’s at lunch”. So I called our local GP who advised the application of some ice. While I was off to the servo to get the ice, someone from the hospital called him back and said “Um, is it on the left side”? He confirmed that it was and he was told to immediately get his ass (and scrotum) back to the hospital.

When we got there, they literally threw him on a gurney, ripped his clothes off while shoving iv’s into him and were flying down the corridor. I’m like hello? What’s happening? One of the residents paused long enough to tell me that when the surgeon was doing the procedure, he thought he might have ‘nicked’ an artery but later decided that he didn’t but yeah, turns out he DID. So he was effectively bleeding to death.

He came out of surgery about an hour later and his balls were LITERALLY in a sling. Some sort of sheet was tied to each side of the bed rails and they were up there. In the air. Eventually the apologetic surgeon wandered in and I said how long is he going to be like this? He said you’re looking at a bit of a slow recovery unfortunately.

SIX weeks he was off work. His scrotum was literally the size of a football and he had to carry it everywhere he went. He had to pee in the shower! Then he got an infection and ended up in hospital for a third time, and a third surgery was performed where a corrugated bit of rubber was inserted to allow all the crap to drain out that had accumulated. And yes there was a lawsuit. And yes we won. But not enough to compensate for the hell that he went through.

So now you know why he is extra protective of his boy bits and thus the perfect person to ask what he thought of this. He said: “seriously – it’s  not enough we already have to get a back, sack and crack waxed? Well, you have told me repeatedly how ugly balls are so I suppose anything that makes them more attractive can’t be a bad thing, but having them hang low isn’t healthy if you’re trying to make babies (good point), and if you can’t have it done under general anaesthetic, then no thanks.”

Is this pay back for women getting their flaps fixed? Maybe. But unless you’re a porn star, who gives a shit? And guys, all scrotums are ugly, we get it. Making them smoother is not going to make us stare at them longer or play with them more so maybe save your money and buy us a present instead.