Real Housewives of Melbourne – FINALE

Congratulations everyone. You’ve made it through another season of Real Housewives of Melbourne, hopefully with your humour and sanity in tact. The finale was rich with diva antics, dog races and ejaculating trees. Say what you will about the unreal housewives but one thing is for certain, they always create a scene.

The finale opened with a shot of all the ladies (except Jackie) clip clopping with their pooches through a Melbourne park. Gamble had organised a dog race for all the ladies and their dogs and had set the whole track up with hay bales and flags.

In the words of Pettifleur, it was lovely to see all the bitches together. Unfortunately this little exercise was nothing more than a pointless race to again create some competition amongst the ladies. In case anyone really cares Gamble’s dog Cash came first with Figaro a close second. Yawn.

Pettifleur is turning 50 and she’s hired Chyka to oversee her Winter Wonderland themed party. A perfect theme for an ice queen wouldn’t you say? PF was going on and on about what she wants for her party while Chyka was looking more and more confused. Seriously, the more PF shoots her mouth off the dumber she sounds. Chyka said so much more with her silence. It really is true what they say – silence is better than bullshit. Anyway, PF thought Chyka understood her completely and would pull off this party without a hitch. Good luck Chyks- may the force be with you!

Next up Lydia decides to use her kitchen to do some actual cooking. Along with her mother, she whips up a delicious looking seafood pasta that has all the ladies salivating.
Lydia draws comparisons to Nigella Lawson with all her dark hair, spoon licking and voluptuous curves. Lets hope that’s where the similarities end. As the evening progresses the conversation soon heads to the gutter with talks of Wet Pussy Shots and Viagra. It seems out of all the women Janet is the most au fait with erectile dysfunction. In fact she is such an expert in this field that she knows exactly how long a man needs to wait after taking his medication. Good on her for not shying away from the fact that the majority of her bed mates need their own special bed mate too.

Dessert was a spectacular display of kitchen wizardry by the Morris Jones head chef. He was invited to into Lydia’s home to create a culinary surprise for the women. I have to say, it looked amazing. A chocolate cigar shaped dessert, served in a huge crystal ahstray with ash like sweet crumbs on the bottom. Served with a side of cognac. Just divine. And then Petifleur naturally had to show her non-talents again by trying to seductively fit the cigar in her mouth. I kid you not, if she’s not sticking things in her mouth, calling ladies bitches or raving about her lack of underwear she really has nothing else to bring to the table.

Can somebody please create an I PUT UP WITH THIS BITCH award and give it to Chyka. The poor party planners are frantically trying to put together Pettifleur’s party while she stomps her feet like a 2year old throwing a tantrum. All she could do was proclaim I’M FREAKING OUT and proceed to tell everyone how to do their jobs. Are you seriously trying to convince us PF that you’ll be able to tell your hall runner is off-white and not white? Who gives a flying snow flake? Apparently Pettifleur does-

“I’m afraid this party is going to turn to shit. And shit is brown not white like a winter wonderland.”

The one and only story line this whole season has been about the rumour Janet heard about Gamble. The rumour stated Gamble was a stripper and also held sex parties. A claim Gamble vehemently denies. Janet has apologised many times yet Gamble is still stuck on how this rumour has tarnished her name. And on and on it goes. It really is an argument about nothing. Gamble really needs to focus on what’s important in her life and get her priorities straight. And by priorities I do mean firing whoever in her life is telling her that those 80’s hair extensions she’s been wearing all season look anything but skanky!

So now we find ourselves at the party, which has had more hype than the Logies. Which isn’t a lot. Pettifleur has arranged a horse and cart to bring all the ladies to her penthouse party. Everyone arrives looking gorgeous. Beautiful dresses, flawless make up with not a hair out place. Then they all have to walk through PF’s entrance which is resplendent with white trees, fairy lights and real falling snow! Falling snow, which equals cold wet splotches on your hair and face. Or as Gamble eloquently put it:

“The ejaculating forest that came all over Gina’s face.”

Class. These ladies are all class.

The place looked AMAZING and Chyka was walking around with the biggest smile on her face – probably adding up how much this had cost Pettifleur! There was a photo booth, a hanging moon and lots of falling snow. However with the behaviour from some of the women that night I am left wondering if that was just snow that was falling. Hmmm.

Gamble got bamboozled, by a certain Manuela who came over to defend Janet about this whole stripper business. Which then prompted Janet to come over to Gamble and belt out her loudest rendition of ….LET IT GO, LET IT GO, CAN”T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE…
No, she didn’t really. But I sure wish someone had!

The night just got progressively creepier with Pettifleur surprising everyone with a dance. Janet summed it up beautifully when she exclaimed in horror OH NO! IS SHE GOING TO DANCE?
She sure is! Her son introduced this main event by telling us that the song is called Pettifleur and it was playing when her parents first met. Then 9 months later Pettifleur was born. Such a romantic one night stand evening of love.
I’m not sure how to describe what Pettifleur was doing but all I know was that she gyrating and kicking her legs all over the place. It was so uncomfortable to watch that even her son had to look away. It was so uncomfortable to watch that even Janet proclaimed that MAYBE IT’S A LITTLE TOO SEXY FOR FAMILY. Umm, a little? I’m just thankful she decided to forego her commando rule and wear undies.

And just when you thought you had heard the last of the Pettifleur song, there it is again. This time a rendition of it is being played by her son, on clarinet. But that’s not the hilarious part. What had me, and the other ladies in stitches, was watching Pettifleur trying to click and move in time to the music. Gamble said it perfectly:

“That’s really tricky that clicking thing!”

Pettifleur had her eyes closed and was truly in her own little world. In her mind she thought she looked like some cool jazz singer clicking away sexily to the music, but to the rest of the world she looked like an uncoordinated drunk dressed like Bjork.

So after 1 dance routine, 3 outfit changes and 65 mentions of the word bitches, the ladies are finally allowed to just have a drink and enjoy the party.
Except they didn’t.

Gamble decided to confront Gina about why she said her make up artist works on strippers as well. Gina coolly dismisses it as nothing. Jackie enters the conversation ready to rumble and is quick to point out to Gina that it was she who said “we should throw the new girls under the bus.”
Gina still denies she meant anything sinister and dismisses Jackie again. Gamble then does a 360 and starts to defend Gina again. I think this is called Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostage starts developing positive feelings towards their captor.
Gamble then makes the HUGE mistake of telling Jackie that she’s worried about her and her whole psychic thing. She thinks maybe her angels and voices are doing some harm to her.
DO NOT. I REPEAT, DO NOT MESS WITH THE ANGELS!
This sets Jackie right off who then starts pointing fingers at Gina and telling her to F off.

“YOU’RE GORN! GOOORN GINA! GOORN!”

Gina says that Jackie and Janet’s pupils are dilated so she’s just going to walk away. Which really is typical Gina behaviour. Stirs the pot then walks away when the shit hits the fan.

Jackie isn’t having a bar of it and continues to follow Gina outside to the balcony. Profanities are exchanged and threats are made. It really does look like Jackie and Gina have had some nasty words off camera and I’ve been told all will be revealed during the reunion show next week.

The party quickly dissipates with Jackie making a hasty exit with Janet, Gina and Gamble not far behind. Chyka, Lydia and Pettifleur stay behind to kick up their heels and finish off the Moet.

The finale is left there. The women are clearly at war and there are 2 clear factions within the group. Gina and Gamble up against Jackie and Janet along with the rest of the ladies.
Next week promises to be revealing in the sense that we finally see why Jackie and Gina have been butting heads for most of this season. Word is this may be Gina’s last season as a new show may be on the horizon for her. There’s talk of a new housewife replacing Gina with scouts on the look out as we speak. Jackie is keen to break into the US market and is looking at her options over there.

Make sure you tune into Arena next Sunday for Part 1 of the reunion show with Alex Perry back again as host.
This season has been an interesting one to say the least. The women have all been far more groomed and styled for television than they were during the first season. It’s felt a little more contrived and less natural. Especially from certain women that are keen to make a name for themselves outside of the Housewives brand. Whatever your opinions may be I hope you’ve enjoyed this season of the unreal housewives as much as I’ve loved recapping them for you. Till next time, keep shining!

Image source: Twitter: @RHOMelbourne

Watch Real Housewives of Melbourne on Arena on Sundays 8.30PM EDT

Chrystal Psaltopoulos Mother of twins, loving wife and vintage tragic. A child of the 80s who loves pop culture, Danish design and vegemite toast with honey. Loves fashion, reading autobiographies and has a knack for turning trash to treasure. Chrystal’s honest reflections are an insight into her colourful and at times crazy world. You can follow her blog at chrystalovevintage.wordpress.com