One mum has asked the internet whether the punishment she has given her daughter is fair or petty. Frustrated that her 15-year-old daughter always comes to her with last minute requests for things she needs for school the next day and lacks basic organisational skills, the mum decided to put her foot down on letting her daughter go on a school trip to Germany. True to form her daughter Mia expected her mum to pay a deposit for the trip by midnight to meet the deadline, despite having known about the trip for 2 months prior. Failure to meet the deadline would mean that Mia would not be allowed to attend the overseas trip with her friends.
Is this mum teaching her daughter a valuable lesson about consequences and taking responsibility, or is letting her miss out on this experience way to drastic?
I 37f have a daughter Mia 15f. Mia is very forgetful/irresponsible when it comes to school. She is barely on time/late to school most days even though we live a 10 minute walk away. She will do homework last minute and often ask for extensions with work.
She had a tendency to remind me to pay for school related things like lunch money, just before I’m going to bed, or that she needs to take something into school so can we run to the store and quickly get it.
Last month, I went on a wild goose chase to help Mia locate ingredients for her home econ class, after she told me at half 10 she needs xyz ingredients and she just checked the fridge and we don’t have it.
She was reading the ingredients of an email, and when I saw it was dated a week prior, got annoyed Mia couldn’t have told me before when we did the big food shop for the family.
I told her the next time she needs something for school to tell me the day she gets told or the day after latest, or I will not be helping her out.
My husband has stopped helping Mia with her last minute requests and calls me a pushover for helping her out, but when she asked today to put down the deposit for a school trip I put my foot down.
Mia has known since the start of the school year she had a school trip to Germany. Her school sent an email out two months ago asking for deposits for kids to secure their place on trip. It’s is about 150, and Mia asked me today to pay as the deadline is midnight or she may not be able to go.
I reminded her what I said last time about deadlines and organisation and as she chose to tell me last minute I will not be paying for her deposit. She got upset as all her friends from history class are going.
I told Mia that she can pay herself from her savings as she has a part time job, which is more than enough to cover her deposit, but she wanted to save up to buy a new game console.
I told her to pick if she wanted to go on the trip or get a new game console and she called me an AH, and now I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. My husband is on my side but my youngest said it was mean and Mia is very upset with me.
Many people agreed with the parents’ decision and thought that some tough love might be exactly what the teen needed to teach her the importance of being organised.
NTA. Poor planning on your part does not constitute and emergency on my part. At age 15 your daughter should understand the importance of making lists, acting on issues when they arise (trip email about deposit) and not ignoring them till the last minute and setting priorities. I am not saying she should master them at 15 but she should at least be working on it. Mia has hopefully learned an important lesson through your refusal to pay. (No-To-Newspeak)
NTA. It’s beyond time you’ve put your foot down. Mia won’t survive in the real world unless she learns now. (LowBalance4404)
You set clear expectations for your daughter to communicate school-related needs in a timely manner, and she failed to do so regarding the school trip deposit. You’re holding her accountable for her actions and encouraging her to use her own savings for the trip or prioritize her spending. It’s a reasonable response given the circumstances, and your husband is supportive of your decision. (EuphoricLock4294)
However, other people expressed concern for the struggles Mia seemed to be experiencing and suggested that it was the parents job to teach her not punish her.
NTA, but if she has issues with organization and has not been able to figure it out herself, it is your place as her parents to help her navigate this. For example, you can set up a weekly family check in where she actively checks on all the things she needs to do, compiles a list, and shares it with you along with the respective deadlines. Joint activities like that would teach her the skills to be more organized. Expecting her to figure it out on her own without guiding her (and then getting annoyed with her when she fails to be organized) seems unfair, or at least not helpful to her situation. (Solicited_Advisor)
Kids need to be taught how to do things. She’s obviously struggling with it, so help her figure out how to handle these types of things. Kids do well when they can.
I also wouldn’t decide now to put my foot down. I would do it with something smaller like the home ec ingredients or poster board for a project. (sharpcookie3)
Other people were concerned that her poor planning was indicative of a neurological disorder rather than laziness.
YTA. You say she doesn’t have ADHD. But are you aware that girls present differently than boys and are often not diagnosed until later in life?
Big school trip is a strange time to put your foot down. If you know your daughter is forgetful and leaves things until the last minute (an ADHD trait!), then why are you just punishing her and not actually teaching her HOW ti remember things and work with the brain she has? Do you have a calendar in the kitchen or somewhere for her to write everything down? Do you remind her every day at supper to update it? Or are you just expecting that you’ll tell her to do something and she’ll just magically do it without you having to teach her how. (my-kind-of-lazy
In a follow up comment Mia’s mum states that her daughter has been tested for ADHD and was found not to have it. However, she does have dyslexia.
“Dyslexia can affect memory, concentration, multi-tasking and communication. All impact on everyday life. If you’re in a relationship with someone whose brain works differently to yours it can be confusing and frustrating.”
I have a daughter with dyslexia and we went through the exact same things with her. It was frustrating at times. But it was the way her brain worked. We had to work on ways to help her remember. Example, getting her into the habit of putting anything with a deadline as a reminder in her phone. Writing notes and leaving them in prominent places around the house. Lots of visual reminders. Over time my daughter did get better, but it wasn’t because she remembered better or was more organized. She just had learned ways to help that worked for her. Her brain still works the same as it did before. She had to work hard in learning a different way of doing things then the average student and she has now begun her adult life and is managing well.
Dyslexia is much more than just trouble with reading and writing.
What do you think? Should the mother stick to her guns on this, or should she work on a more r