The Problems of Being a Shy Pooper

My mum, apparently, toilet-trained us kids when we were really young and part of that training was to chuck us on the toilet straight after breakfast every morning until we pooped.

It’s a habit that’s stuck with me for life. And it’s come with problems.

For starters, I need to eat first; or at least, have a warm drink before things….. start moving…. This isn’t always possible if I’m staying in a hotel overnight or at a friend’s house or travelling on a plane and then everything goes out of whack for me.

Secondly, I only EVER want to poop in the privacy of my own home, in my own ensuite. I cannot stand even the thought of having to go at work, in a public toilet or in someone else’s house. I don’t want anyone to hear me, I don’t want anyone to smell anything they shouldn’t smell. I. Just. Can’t.

Unfortunately bodies occasionally have a mind of their own and despite my best laid plans the call of nature happens when I’m not at home.

The last office job I had was only a five minute drive from my house. That office had just TWO cubicles for around 100 women and there was always a queue to use them. And you just knew when someone was in one of them taking a dump because they wouldn’t come out of the cubicle until the coast was clear so no responsibility could be taken for whatever state they’d left it in. And one day for whatever reason, my schedule was out of kilter and I HAD to go. Bad. So I grabbed my keys, got in my car and drove home because I was busting. I had to go so bad I didn’t even shut my car door. I just opened that front door and ran to the ensuite. Just in time.

Coincidentally my husband also arrived home, in the middle of the day randomly, and walked into the house perplexed having seen my open car door wondering what was happening. I was in such a hurry I hadn’t shut the ensuite door knowing no one was home so he’s in the lounge room listening to me shout (from the bedroom area) “Don’t Come In!” He thought I had another man in there.

And I know it’s weird. I know we all poop. Friends and family members are happy to poop at our house at random times even though our guest toilet is only feet away from our kitchen table which forces us to hum loudly or play music when they’re in there.

And I have learned a few techniques over the years to make things slightly less awkward when I’m away from home; using a ceiling fan to mask sounds, putting some paper in the bowl first so you can’t hear splashes. In a busy public restroom there’s normally enough flushing, hand washing and air dryers going that it’s not too bad but timing is crucial when you’re in a caravan park.

Go in early and you may have the place to yourself which may or may not be a good thing as there won’t be any noises to mask what you’re doing in the event of the Worst Case Scenario; when someone else comes in, chooses the cubicle right next to you and then there is just deadly silence. No one wants to do anything and you are at a stalemate.

And then there’s bush camping where you have to find a spot, dig a hole, pray no one comes around the corner and catches you. And, stress about snakes and bugs biting your ass.

So yeah, I’ve given it a lot of time and consideration and worry over the years and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.

But a word of advice to parents out there toilet training: don’t put your kids on a schedule, let ’em go whenever and wherever the need strikes or they will end up a shy pooper like me. It’s a lifelong affliction.