20 MORE Hilarious Tweets That Perfectly Capture What Marriage Is Like
It’s always fun to read about other people’s marriages. It makes our own seem a bit more normal. Even if we do only speak to each other in the ad breaks and fight over his incessant fucking whistling, I swear if he doesn’t stop I’m going to take off one of his socks and shove it in his frigging mouth.
Marriage is fun. These Twitter users know the score.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 10, 2014
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) November 19, 2015
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) March 24, 2013
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it’s in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
“I was just about to do that chore that I see you’re starting now”
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 4, 2014
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 24, 2016
ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong
— great, person (@hippieswordfish) November 3, 2015
Her: we need to talk.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) September 23, 2015
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired??
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener! Read our first installment of hilarious marriage tweets here.