Mum Shares Her Hilarious Vagina-Clenching Story of How She Accidentally Impaled Herself on a Shampoo Bottle

A mum has shared her hilarious take on a recent incident in her bathroom involving her two toddlers, poop, a shampoo bottle and her vagina. This is one of those stories where you feel bad for laughing but honestly, you simply can’t help it. As painful as it sounds, the way this woman wrote about the accident is just too funny.

Writing to the popular Reddit sub TIFU (Today I F*cked Up), the mum of two, known only as u/Theblackholeinbflat, related the vagina-clenching tale of how she came to be impaled on the bottle of shampoo while bathing her sons.

I’m giving my sons a bath tonight, they are both toddlers, one and two years of age. They’re wild in the bath, so it’s always a struggle to get them both clean at the same time.

I was sitting on the floor by the tub, washing their hair. I had the shampoo bottle sitting on the closed toilet seat next to me for ease of access.

I got their hair washed, stood up and brushed myself off. Then went to sit on the toilet seat… With the shampoo bottle still there.

Before I continue, this isn’t some normal smooth shampoo bottle. This shampoo bottle has a pump that sticks out and sharp edges on the pump head.

So I sat on the shampoo bottle, it tore through my leggings and scraped its way into my lady bits. I screamed like the dramatic bitch I am and jumped up and down while my sons laughed like this was some twisted game.

The bottle came out with blood on it, but before I could check out the damage, a poop landed on me. My youngest had started to relieve himself and my oldest was throwing shit bombs at me like my youngest was some sort of sick Pez dispenser. I had to pause my dramatics to deal with… all of that.

So I pull them out and get them dressed, then tend to my injuries. I have a tear between my urethra and vagina as well as on my clitoral hood which will need stitches.

Not as dramatic as some TIFU stories but I’m waiting for a doctor and had nothing better to do than tell my shame. Also, pretty sure no one believes the “I sat on a shampoo bottle” story I’ve been telling here.

TL;DR not everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.

The poor mum’s post racked up thousands of upvotes, hundreds of comments and ten awards, so at least she has that going for her I guess.

“You should probably avoid all poo for a while. Sham or real,” responded one poster.

“Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel so bad for you but at the same time I’m laughing like a mad woman,” added another.

No more tears, my arse.

Source: Reddit/TIFU and giphy