Alan Millard has been an anaesthetist for 25 years, which means he’s spent a lot of that time walking into birth suites to put in epidurals for women who are deep in labour. It also means he’s had a front row seat to just about every way a support person can get it wrong, and on TikTok he’s decided to say so, bluntly and in his own words, in a series called Men at Childbirth.

In the first video, Alan doesn’t hold back on who the advice is really aimed at. He says the support person in the room can be a mother or a female partner, but in his experience it’s usually the guys who stuff it up. His first rule is simple: don’t tell her how tired you are. “Sit there, have 15 coffees, but shut the f**k up,” he says. The second is about the nitrous oxide in the room, which is there for her, not for him to have a go on between contractions. He says he’s seen the gas run out because the support person has been using it himself. The third, and the one he calls the most obvious, is don’t tell her to breathe. As he puts it, she’s been breathing her whole life and she’s good at it. His advice instead is to tell her how proud you are of her.

@alan.millard09 #childbirth #dontbethatguy #medicalhumor #womenareawesome #trending ♬ original sound – Alan Millard

The comments on that video split into two camps pretty quickly. A lot of people found his phrase “bang in an epidural” funny rather than flippant, with one commenter writing that the casual way he said it would make them feel calm about getting one done again, and that he’s just being Aussie while supporting women. Someone else jumped in to explain the phrase for anyone unfamiliar with it, pointing out that “bang in” is Australian slang for doing something with ease, usually by someone experienced, not a sign of rushing or carelessness. Other commenters weren’t as convinced, with one calling it a crass way of putting it. Alan has taken that one on the chin. “I admit my language could’ve been a bit more clinical,” he says. There was also a strong reaction to the breathing advice, with one person asking why being told to breathe by every professional in the room felt like the most condescending thing anyone had ever said to them.

The nitrous line got people telling their own stories. One woman described her ex trying to take the gas off her mid-labour and getting angry when she wouldn’t share, to the point that midwives had to put him in time out. Another said she was furious when her partner told her he was exhausted and asked if he could go home for a nap because things were taking too long. A third commenter wrote that her ex-husband complained his hand was sore from rubbing her back during contractions, adding dryly that it’s part of why he’s now her ex. One man shared that he told his wife to “just keep breathing” during their first birth and was told to shut up, a lesson he says he didn’t need repeating for the next two kids.

@alan.millard09 #dontbethatguy #pregnancy #medicalhumor #womenareawesome #trending ♬ original sound – Alan Millard

Part 2 added three more. First, don’t complain about the chair, because the hospital wasn’t exactly planning for two people to be in agonising pain that night. Second, don’t ask how long it’s going to take, because as Alan says, “it’s not a f***ing Jetstar flight,” and asking won’t speed up the baby, though it might shorten the asker’s life expectancy. Third, and the one he’s firmest on, never say “I know how you feel.” After 25 years in the job, he says he still doesn’t know how it feels, which is exactly why he gives them drugs.

Alan has since posted a third instalment, which you can watch here.

When he’s not on TikTok, Alan’s also an author. His debut novel Going Under is a medical thriller following an anaesthetist drawn into a murder investigation after a body turns up on the train tracks, with a pharmaceutical company and his own crumbling marriage complicating things further.

About Alan Millard: Alan Millard is an anaesthetist and the author of the medical thriller Going Under. You can follow him on TikTok at @alan.millard09 and Instagram @alanmillardauthor for more insights behind the curtain of the medical world.

Disclosure: This article contains an Amazon affiliate link. This means that if you make a purchase we receive a small commission at no extra cost to you.