The first holidays after separation can feel very different from the ones you’ve known before. What was once a time of family routines, shared meals and traditions can suddenly involve two homes, different schedules and difficult conversations. There can also be grief, loneliness, financial pressure and uncertainty about how the children will cope. For many separated parents, the first Christmas and summer holiday period can bring everything about the separation into sharper focus, even when day-to-day life has started to settle.

Ella Hickman, of Hickman Family Lawyers in Perth, has put together her tips on how to navigate the first holidays after separation.

Your First Holidays After Separation

The Christmas and summer holiday period can be particularly challenging because it often involves extended family, travel, presents, social events and traditions that were previously shared. You may be trying to work out where the children will spend Christmas Day, how school holidays will be divided and how everyone will manage the change.

There’s no single arrangement that works for every separated family. Parenting arrangements should reflect the individual circumstances and needs of the children, with their best interests at the centre of decisions.

The Emotions Surrounding Holidays After Separation

The first holidays after separation can bring up a surprisingly wide range of emotions. You might feel sadness about the family life you expected to have, anxiety about spending time alone or frustration about having to negotiate arrangements that once happened naturally. Children may also experience mixed emotions. They can be excited about seeing each parent while simultaneously missing the other parent.

It’s worth recognising that difficult feelings don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. They’re often simply part of adjusting to a significant change in family life.

Agreeing On Parenting Arrangements During The Holidays

Holiday arrangements can require more planning than ordinary weekly routines. Parents may need to consider Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, New Year, school holidays, family gatherings, travel and time with grandparents or other important people. The arrangements that work for your family during the school term may not necessarily work during the holidays.

Where possible, discussing these details early can reduce uncertainty and give everyone time to prepare. Parenting arrangements can be informal or recorded in a parenting plan, while parenting orders are legally enforceable.

Communication & Flexibility Around Holiday Plans

Even when there’s an agreed holiday schedule, things don’t always go exactly to plan. Flights can be delayed, children can become unwell, family events can change and plans can run late. Where it’s safe and appropriate to do so, keeping communication with your ex practical and focused on the children can help.

Flexibility can be useful, particularly as children grow and their needs and interests change. At the same time, flexibility doesn’t mean one parent should expect the other to continually change agreed arrangements at short notice.

Your Children’s Expectations & Emotions

Children can find the first Christmas after separation particularly confusing. They may worry that they’ll miss out, feel responsible for making both parents happy or wish they could somehow spend the whole day with everyone. Some children may openly express these feelings, while others may become quieter or unsettled.

Giving children space to talk without asking them to choose sides can help. Their views and feelings are relevant when considering parenting arrangements, although as parents you should avoid placing the responsibility for decisions on your child.

The Cost Of Being A Single Parent During The Holidays

Christmas and summer holidays can be financially difficult after separation. You may suddenly be managing the costs of presents, food, activities, childcare, entertainment and travel on one income rather than two. There can also be additional expenses when children are travelling between homes or spending time with extended family.

It’s understandable to feel pressure when you’re trying to make the holidays special while also adjusting to a changed financial situation. The financial responsibilities of raising children don’t disappear because parents have separated. But remember, spend within your means – it’s not worth getting into financial strife over the holidays.

Spending Time Alone During The Holidays

One of the hardest adjustments can be having periods when the children are with their other parent and the house feels unusually quiet. Christmas morning or a Saturday morning that would previously have been busy can suddenly feel very different. It’s also okay if you don’t feel particularly festive.

Some parents find it helpful to make plans with friends or family, while others prefer some quiet time alone. There’s no requirement to turn your first child-free Christmas into an exciting new adventure. Sometimes simply getting through the day is enough.

Creating New Holiday Traditions

Some traditions will naturally continue after separation, while others may no longer be practical. That can be difficult, particularly when a tradition has been part of your family life for many years. Creating new traditions can give children something positive to look forward to without pretending that the changes aren’t difficult.

It might be a special breakfast, a particular beach trip, a movie night or opening presents at a different time. New traditions don’t replace the old ones immediately, but they can gradually become meaningful in their own right.

Trying Not to Overcompensate

It can be tempting to try to make the first holidays after separation absolutely perfect. You might spend more money on presents, organise endless activities or feel that every day needs to be special because the children are experiencing so much change. But children don’t necessarily need an expensive or elaborate Christmas.

They’re likely to benefit more from feeling secure, loved and able to enjoy time with their family. Trying to compensate for the separation through gifts or constant entertainment can also place unnecessary financial and emotional pressure on parents.

Managing Extended Family Expectations

Grandparents, siblings and other relatives may have their own expectations about where the children should be and when they should see them. This can create another layer of pressure for separated parents. It may be helpful to remember that the holiday schedule doesn’t have to satisfy every adult in the extended family.

Decisions about children’s arrangements need to focus on their circumstances and needs. Where appropriate, extended family can be included in the plans, but their preferences shouldn’t become another source of conflict between parents.

When There Are Parenting Orders In Place

If you already have parenting orders, the holiday period is an important time to understand exactly what they say about arrangements for Christmas and school holidays. Parenting orders are legally enforceable, so they shouldn’t simply be ignored because one parent would prefer a different arrangement.

If circumstances have changed, parents may sometimes agree to different arrangements through a parenting plan, although a parenting plan itself isn’t legally enforceable. If parents can’t agree, changing existing orders may require a different process.

When Parents Can’t Agree

Sometimes the first holidays after separation highlight disagreements that haven’t been resolved. If parents can’t agree about arrangements for the children, family dispute resolution may provide a way to discuss the issues and work towards an agreement where it’s safe and appropriate. Australian family law generally requires parents who are disputing parenting matters to make a genuine effort to participate in family dispute resolution before applying to court, although exceptions apply in circumstances such as family violence, child abuse or urgency.

The first holidays after separation probably won’t look exactly like the holidays you had before. That doesn’t mean they can’t still be meaningful for your children or for you. There may be difficult moments, unexpected emotions and plenty of logistical challenges, but over time, new routines can become familiar.

For many families, your first Christmas after separation is simply the beginning of learning how to celebrate and spend holidays differently, rather than a measure of how your family will manage in the years ahead.

Ella Hickman is the owner and Principal of Hickman Family Lawyers, one of the leading family lawyers in Perth.

She practices almost exclusively in family law in Perth and across WA, and has a particular interest in parenting and children’s issues, matters arising from domestic violence in relationships, and property settlement cases.

She has a Bachelor of Laws and Bachelor of Arts (majoring in Psychology) from the University of Western Australia and has been practising as a barrister and solicitor since 2014.

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