Real Housewives of Melbourne – Episode 5

Opening scene is mother and son sharing a beautiful moment of shopping. Pettitfleur’s son is looking for a new suit and of course he takes mummy dearest along so she can pay so she can give him some fashion advice. According to PF they have a great relationship because he listens to everything she says. Yeah, I would pretend to as well if you bought me a Gucci suit and matching shoes!

Unfortunately, Pettitfleur is back to doing what she does best this episode, flaunting her money and being rude to sales assistants:

“You’re here to serve me,” she bellows, “can I have your tie?”

Seriously PF, what did your last slave die of?

Next up we see Gamble with her new girl crush Gina at a Fashion Aid event. I can’t decide whether her obsession is cutesy or just plain creepy. Gina is clearly above it all and calls Gamble “a bit of a fan.” Poor Gamble just wants a bit of love and all Gina is giving her is the cold-bronzed-shoulder.

It’s great to see Gina donating one of her bedazzled gowns to raise money for a good cause- Mental Illness in adolescents. Brava Gina! Also worth noting is the choice of MC for the night, the always stunning Ruby Rose, which fits in nicely with the lipstick-lesbian theme of the night.

It seems Janet is ready for love again so she decides to take Jackie along for a night of speed dating. She’s very concerned that the men may not know she’s an older lady. It’s ok though- she’s told it’s cougar night and it’s called toy boy speed dating. They seriously do have a night for everyone, don’t they?

The best part of the evening has to be Jackie’s running commentary about every man that sits down with Janet. Because Jackie’s psychic, she can tell us everything about them from one glance. Although to be fair, I took one look at Santa Pants myself and thought he was full of shit too! And don’t get me started about the man that can claim to give Janet an hour long orgasm. Who’s got time for that anyway?!

Luckily Janet is smarter than that and heeds some advice given to her by her grandmother – they either want a nurse or a purse. So true Janet! Walk away and don’t look back!

The next day sees Jackie and PF catching up over lunch. It’s the first time Jackie has seen PF since she returned from some detox retreat. PF is quick to comment about Jackie’s hair with a look of disgust on her face. “You did something to your hair…the colour…it looks different.” Was that a compliment? Didn’t sound like it. It sounded like a very jealous lady who doesn’t know how to compliment someone. Jackie just responded by shaking her hair and saying “yes I did. I fly to Sydney to get my hair coloured.” Knowing Jackie it’s probably not a diva comment at all but just her being loyal to a girl friend who’s been doing her hair since they were teenagers. Either way it looks fabulous and PF is jelly.

Chyka joins the twosome for some drinks as well and is quickly swept up in a gossip session led by PF who wants to know what Gamble has been saying about her. Chyka simply mentions the Barbie names from last week and tells PF that hers was Nouveau Rich. For once PF owns the fact that that is exactly what she is because she came from Ceylon with nothing and worked her butt off. That’s fantastic I say- and more power to you girlfriend – but why in Kamahl’s name do you still refer to Sri Lanka as Ceylon?!

Jackie and Ben are looking for a model to be the face of their LA MASCARA cocktail range so they’ve set up a meeting with the world’s most excited model agent. She has seriously taken her happy pills and is just oozing with enthusiasm at Jackie’s every word. Jackie says she’s looking for a model that shines, someone who is beautiful inside and out. She is also looking through some male model pics -much to Ben’s disgust. “There’s no way we’re having a guy as the face of LA MASCARA” he says. “Get back in your box. I’m boss,” she says. Or something to that effect.

Chyka and Bruce have taken another opportunity to promote their business have all the ladies over for dinner. The chef from Big Group has put together a new menu for everyone to try including some pea soup served in a test tube and frozen meringue balls. Everything seems to be going well and the ladies are getting along and laughing with each other. Surely this can’t last. And it doesn’t.

When everyone sits down to dinner Lydia shares some emotional stories about her feelings of being at her son’s wedding. It truly is a heartfelt moment when Lydia opens up and voices just how special it was for her to see her boy all grown up and married. I’m sure every mother out there shed a tear or two. Not Gamble. She was busy making eyes with her fiancé and giggling. Clearly she didn’t realise who she was dealing with. Jackie took no time in calling her out. “What’s so funny?” she asks. “That is so rude. There’s someone crying here and you’re laughing.” Totally put Gamble in her place and allowed Lydia to continue. In a moment of strength and bravery, Lydia opened up and told everyone about the son she lost so many years ago. It’s a story that’s all too common and one that we as mothers can relate to, either first hand or through someone we know. Seeing Lydia like that in a moment of pure innocence just shows that beneath all the diamonds and Diors we all hurt and bleed the same.

What we don’t all share though is Lydia’s innocence when it comes to definitions of words like S&M.

Still at the dinner party, Gamble decides to approach PF and ask her exactly what she’s been saying about her. It soon turns into a bitch fest of who’s got the most money and where did it come from. PF is determined to find out if Gamble has any money and sets about asking her questions. Gamble answers calmly by saying her parents had a very nice home in Palm Beach. Well that settles it then Gamble, you win.

Oh, but it’s not over yet. Now Gamble and PF need to figure out who is stupid:

Are you stupid?

No, are you?

No, are you?

I’m not. Are you?

I’m not. Are you?

I kid not. This is the conversation they had for a full 3 minutes. It pretty much resulted in it being an even tie in stupidity.

Thank God the singing waiters came out just in time to calm the situation and take the focus off Dumb and Dumber!

Gamble then decides to start an argument with Janet about being called a stripper- again! This time Gamble gets upset and wants to leave. Luckily Rick is holding all the logic cells in his brain and promptly tells Gamble to keep quiet and sit down. Gamble pouts like a little girl but does as she’s told.

But wait! The highlight of the episode has to be Janet quoting Kanye West and breaking out into a little rap of her own about Gamble– I aint saying she’s a gold digger, but she aint messing with no broke dudes! That’s it, the season is now complete and from this day forth Janet shall be known as KANYET!

To finish up we see Gamble and Chyka trying to train their dogs – or to be more precise – we see Gamble’s dog trying to mount Chyka’s. Noice.

Next week, Gamble takes the girls to Sydney so they can see exactly where she comes from and where she gets her ghetto hair extensions done. Stay tuned homies!

Image source: Twitter: @RHOMelbourne

Watch Real Housewives of Melbourne on Arena on Sundays 8.30PM EDT

Chrystal Psaltopoulos Mother of twins, loving wife and vintage tragic. A child of the 80s who loves pop culture, Danish design and vegemite toast with honey. Loves fashion, reading autobiographies and has a knack for turning trash to treasure. Chrystal’s honest reflections are an insight into her colourful and at times crazy world. You can follow her blog at chrystalovevintage.wordpress.com