RHOM – Episode 2

Gliding through the showroom of luxury cars, Pettifleur makes quite the entrance to signal her arrival

She’s turning 50 soon and believes she deserves a $450,000 Bentley as a gift from her husband. “I deserve it because I came to this country with nothing and worked my way up.”

She may have worked her way up to Bentleys but unfortunately she left her Bonds behind.

I was horrified to learn that she was sitting on that brand new leather seat in the Bentley sans underwear. So proud was PF of this fact that she wanted the car dealer to install mirrors on the floor of the car so she can check out her landing strip while she drives. Ummm…ok.

I have to say this about the cast of Real Housewives this season- it’s a very culturally diverse group of women. I’m glad they’ve tried to represent a whole myriad of cultural backgrounds. Actually- just by having PF on the show the producers can tick off at least 6 types of ethnicities and 10 types of crazy!

And have you noticed that the women all look extra slick this season? Rumour has it they have all employed their own personal stylists that followed them around on set throughout the season. I want to know who Jackie’s stylist is; her outfits are so on point. Especially loved her white cape number at the end. I also want to know why Gina is still sharing a stylist with Maria Venuti.

Figaro, and his Louis Vuitton case full of designer apparel, is being given a run for his money in the canine cuteness stakes this season. Cash, the white, fluffy ball of fur belonging to Gamble had to have a trainer come over to teach him how to behave like a dog. Seems Gamble is keen to enter him in a few dog shows. Maybe there’s a category for Dog Most likely to Bite Your Finger and Not Let Go. Cause if there is, Cash has it in the bag.

Gamble and Rick decide to hold a Murder Mystery party for all the ladies and the theme they’ve settled on is witches. Of course all the ladies love an excuse to put some sexy lingerie on so they decide to go costume shopping.

Jackie, Janet and PF all go in search of a sexy witch outfit together. Jackie finds a sexy red number straight away, as does Janet who is decked in black from head to toe with a huge pointy witch hat. PF on the other hand decides to go into a changing room and bust the poor sales assistant’s balls. “Imogen, bring me this. Imogen bring me that. Imogen I want the silver wig.” I swear if there weren’t cameras around Imogen would’ve surely told her where she can stick her pointy hat! There’s a great saying that goes – if someone is nice to you but rude to waiters and sales assistants, then they’re really not that nice. Very true. It was quite uncomfortable to watch that interaction.

However, I was more concerned about the fact that PF was trying on fish net stockings and frilly skirts all without any underwear. She goes commando. And apparently see twerks too. Oh my eyes. Those moves can’t be unseen.

Cut to Lydia and PF in a Hawthorn café getting all close and personal. PF doesn’t waste any time in telling Lydia what she thinks of Gamble- Dumb. Dumb dumb.

“What did you think of me when you first met me,” asks Lydia.

“I thought you were pretentious,” answers PF.

“WOW” replies Lydia. Which rhymes with COW.

In the other corner at a city restaurant, Chyka, Jackie, Gamble and Janet are all giving each other Barbie names. There’s Malibu Barbie (Chyka), Crocodile Dundee Barbie (Jackie??), Unreliable Source Barbie (Janet) and Nouveau Rich Barbie (PF). Personally, I think there needs to be a new one- WHO THE FUCK IS PETTIFLEUR Barbie. Gold Janet. Gold.

Back to PF and Lydia- and we’re all trying to figure out exactly what Pettifleur’s book is all about. Titled Switch the Bitch, it seems to be a story about a witch who was a real bitch, that lived in a ditch. The theory of the negativity and impact society puts on women to be a bitch, to reclaim the word bitch. All women have the bitch, therefore you will be personally aware of the implications of the relative source which counteracts the mobility of all patients. Oh for FFS! No one knew what PF was babbling on about. The theory of relativity is easier to explain to a 3 year old!

Have you guys noticed that Gina is even LATE making an appearance in each episode? I think last night she came in about half way through. Classic Liano.

Tonight’s episode was host to the most awkward wedding proposal acceptance ever. After Gamble told her partner Rick to eat his dinner of crab “If you’re going to have crabs you may as well have them with me,” he decided she was a keeper and proposed.

Gamble pretty much replied with “Thank you. That’s so sweet. Sure I’d love to.”

Rick had so much emotion that his eyes were welling up with tears. Gamble on the other hand seemed to be thinking, shit- what do I do now?! In her defence though, she was super happy to be taking on his surname of Wolf. Gamble Wolf. Very Underbelly sounding, wouldn’t you say?

The ladies finally arrive to the murder mystery dinner and are quickly led to their seats. All the ladies except Gina have gone to a lot of trouble with their outfits. Gina is like me when it comes to dress ups. “What do you mean I haven’t dressed up? I’m wearing black- and there’s a spider in my hair.”

Yep, pretty much the extent of effort I’ll go to when going to a fancy dress! Lydia on the other hand looked stunning. She dressed as the witch from Snow White carrying a basket full of poison apples.

The aim of the game was to guess who the murderer was. All the ladies were given special characters to play that had specific powers. Lydia’s power was mind control. And the line of the night went to Gina for this beauty-

“Lydia had the power of mind control. Which is interesting because I don’t know how much control her mind has.”

Feasting on soup served in mini pumpkins and meals decorated with coffins, the scene looked like something out of a Heston Blumenthal episode. The food really did look spectacular and was a real sensory experience. Sources tell me it was Chyka’s catering company The Big Group that organised all the food and props. A fantastically executed haunted themed dinner.

During the dinner Gamble announced her engagement and PF tried to explain her book to a crowd that could care less.

“ OMG, another Melbourne socialite writing a book.” I hear ya Gamble. I’ve barely recovered from Andrea Moss’ attempt at penning a book.

The last scene is set in another popular Melbourne Café where the women are all looking amazingly well styled again. The topic of discussion is of course gossip. More specifically- it’s gossip about Gamble. Janet feels she needs to let Gamble know that people are talking and saying that she was an escort and a prostitute. Janet also tells Gamble that people are saying she hosts sex parties. Janet tells her that she has a reliable source from Carlos, the pig man. Janet also wonders why she was never invited to these parties.

Who knows? Stay tuned till next week, for the next instalment of the Unreal Housewives of Melbourne. Where we find out exactly who Pettifleur is and why anyone really cares.

Images source: Twitter @RHOMelbourne

Author: Chrystal Psaltopoulos Mother of twins, loving wife and vintage tragic. A child of the 80s who loves pop culture, Danish design and vegemite toast with honey. Loves fashion, reading autobiographies and has a knack for turning trash to treasure. Chrystal’s honest reflections are an insight into her colourful and at times crazy world. You can follow her blog at chrystalovevintage.wordpress.com