Yes! You absolutely did read the heading correctly! One new mum has taken to Reddit to question whether her husband’s expectation that she continues to contribute half of the mortgage while she is on unpaid maternity leave is fair.
I’m in need of advice.
I’ve recently been on unpaid MAT since Jan23, it ends in 2 more weeks. Yes my husband does help me with our baby, we take care of our baby equally
I’m struggling a lot with several things and I feel like I have no help. I want to talk about how my baby won’t latch and I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula
Some context if people are confused on my husband behavior. My husband has always been a 50/50 type of guy. I’m not use to dating guys like my husband and I thought it was different but in a good way when we first met. He deems it to be fair. On our first date he asked to split evenually and we have always equally split mortgage/bills/dates because my husband sees me as an equal partner but I feel like he is taking it too far and it makes me distrust him with my life
My husband’s income $80k and my income is $50k. He splits the mortgage with me and he pays the utilities and I pay our phone bill. We split dinner dates. My husband normally pays the groceries and we’re on my husband’s medical insurance
We both have separate accounts. We don’t share a joint account for many reasons we just see so many horror stories of couples have shared finances and he wants to keep our finances separately which I don’t mind but now I am worried this is disadvantaging me. I was venting to my friends and they think I’m stupid for agreeing with this with my husband because I make significantly less money than him so they don’t understand why I’m splitting with him and then they also just don’t believe in the 50/50 thing and I know that’s kind of controversial since it’s a gender thing, but I don’t really want to focus solely on that
My husband told me I need to pull my weight because he’s paying for a lot more than I am to keep the household running. I was unable to go half on the mortgage last month and my husband let that slide but I need to pay it this month. My MAT leave is unpaid like I said. I would have to pull from my personal savings. I only have $5,150 saved up and I would have to pull from my personal savings account to pay for half the mortgage and our phone bill. I just feel like he’s been completely unreasonable with me.
Did she really need to ask if he’s being unreasonable? Apparently so!
If she was unsure whether her husband was being an arsehole before, she certainly wasn’t after the good folks of Reddit let her have their unfiltered opinion on the matter!
Firstly, people were in disbelief that he would be resentful of having to buy food for his child.
And he is upset he has to buy formula for his child. I am appalled. (CM_DO)
Plus, him resenting having to purchase food for their baby is absurd.
He was fine when she was making the food with her body, and he didn’t have to pay for it. Now that he has to pay for it, it’s a major concern? Send him an invoice for all of the breastmilk that was made during the first several weeks. That stuff likely sells at a premium, and since he didn’t make half of it, he better step up his game! (snokinbbq)
People were quick to point out that if he truly wanted to split things fairly down the middle, she was likely already ‘in credit’ for all of the hard work she had already done caring for his child, even before it was born!
Your husband is a fool and you’ve been ignoring it because you love him, but apparently he doesn’t love you. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 split – THAT is a roommate situation. You have given him a shared child; presumably he contributed DNA but your body did the growing, and you risked death to bring the baby into the world, and your maternity leave was all about physical recovery, emotional bonding (necessary for a child’s healthy development) and keeping your baby ALIVE. Go look up adoption and surrogacy expenses to see how much “half” is for this priceless gift! Don’t even get me started on “half” the childcare costs. Now, look to the future – if your husband becomes injured, disabled or unemployed, is he going to be homeless in the future? Roommates who can’t pay their bills get kicked out – spouses support each other and work together as a team to build a future for themselves and their children. It’s time to get to therapy, discuss why he’s acting like an adult who doesn’t know how to cherish a wife, and why you’ve been settling for it. Good luck! (?)
Exactly, he might be doing what OP has been lead to believe is “50/50” with the baby but it’s physically impossible for him to do as much as she is between the birth process, breastfeeding, and likely a dozen other little things that aren’t even considered like the mental load of caring for a baby. Just the phrasing of “he helps me with the baby” is wrong, it’s not his baby to help with, it’s his child too. That’s the kind of language moms use when their 4 year old child helps feed their newborn sibling. (dessert-er)
Let him breast feed too 50/50 (Liveitup1999)
To highlight how absurb her husband was being, commenters suggested other ways the woman could make things fair, and ensure things were truly split down the middle, if he was so hell bent on it.
She should send him a bill for carrying his kid and allowing her body to be torn up while giving birth. He is a tool. Obviously, these financial decisions should have been discussed before undertaking to have a baby with this jerk. (rshni67)
Typically surrogates make 70k salary, plus compensation from any lost wages (such as taking unpaid maternity leave from their day job), plus all medical bills, prenatal supplements, etc. are covered. OP send him the bill. (Sydneysweenyseyes)
If he really wants to split it 50/50 he should be paying her the cost of childcare for half of the hours he works each week. That most certainly would be enough to cover her half of the mortgage. (revolutionary-Tree97)
Your physical labor of growing, birthing, and nursing a child (which will have life long effects on your body) are going completely ignored. If he wants to make this a business and not a partnership then he needs to count ALL the contributions. (cheesencarbs)
Many people thought that this kind of mindset around finances did not bode well for their future as a family or a married couple.
You don’t have a marriage, you have a business relationship. Your husband is a wack job. You will never get the help you need from him. I feel sorry for your child if it grows up with a “father” like that. Quid pro quo and 50/50 is not how a marriage works, because that’s not how life works. (GTFU-Already)
What do you think? What would you say if your partner expected you to keep paying the mortgage whilst you were at home caring for his new baby?